[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi, all.

Does anyone find that they tend to 'hold back' with their therapist after a break, or try to protect them in a sense?
I was talking about anger today.
R said she could feel it, and accurately translated what it was 'saying'...but I didn't really let it out.

It's strange to think of it taking time to feel comfortable again...she's only been away two weeks.

I always ask the question 'Who am I holding it together for?' but maybe the question this time is 'Why do I feel the need to protect R from the intensity of this?'

She's seen me cry...it shouldn't be a big deal for her to see my anger.

I know this is something I should probably discuss with her, but I'm aware that it could end up being a block to the One Thing that I've said I would like to do alongside her next week.

I'd be very grateful for any thoughts.

Take care,

Lost

[stopdog]

Well no - I am sure that is not surprising. I don't really feel a need to protect any adult from me - I trust adults to take care of themselves and therapists actively signed up to deal with stuff like this - so let them.
At the same time - I don't think it is unusual, from what I have read, for someone to feel the way you do

[Therapy reviewed]

Feelings are not rational. On some level your subconscious FEELS it was your anger that sent her away.... Feelings don't have a concept of time. 2 weeks doesn't register. Just that there was an absence and it must have been your anger that done It becuse someone somewhere in the past didn't accept your negative emotions.

Maybe

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thank you for the reminder that feelings aren't rational.

I should have said that the break was scheduled, due to the school holidays.

[LonesomeTonight]

I don't feel that I hold back so much to protect him, but to protect me. I feel shame about missing him/struggling when he's only gone for, say, 10 days (granted, I see him 2 or 3 times a week usually). I feel like I should be able to cope with it better than I do. So I don't want to admit "I really missed you" or "I had a rough time." It's easier to just say I managed OK.

Though I suppose in a way it's protecting him. I know he deserves vacations and without them, he probably would burn out to some extent. So I don't want to seem like I'm trying to make him feel guilty for going away. I tend to cry when he tells me he's going on vacation, and I hate that. Partly because it may seem like I'm trying to make him feel bad and partly because I want to be the client who is just like, "OK, enjoy, I'll be fine. See you when you get back!"

I've told him before that it's like the adult/cognitive part of me completely understands why he needs and deserves a vacation. That part is fine with him going. But the little kid/emotional part is sort of holding onto his leg, like, "No, don't leave me!" He said it was a good description, and he knows that I realize he deserves vacation and am not trying to make him feel guilty. Which does help to know.

[SlumberKitty]

Oh yeah. I protect my T from things all the time. I haven't been angry with her but I have been a lot sadder/unwell than I have told her just because I don't think she knows how to handle it.

[LostOnTheTrail]

It's strange, because I'm not angry with her.
I've no reason to be angry with her.

The anger that I'm feeling is grief-related, but...even though I know she can handle it, it's hard for me to let her in.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

It's strange, because I'm not angry with her.
I've no reason to be angry with her.

The anger that I'm feeling is grief-related, but...even though I know she can handle it, it's hard for me to let her in.

It's vulnerable to let people in. I get how it can be difficult and scary.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I feel similarly, Lost. My anger at L is more about my grief of her going on leave than her doing something wrong.

However, I don't protect L from my anger or any emotions. We've worked hard for me to learn how to appropriately express my anger instead of turning it inward to despair or shame. It has really helped me to express my anger with her. It actually lessens it and helps get to the root of the problem. In this case, my anger is telling me that I fear for my safety when she goes on leave. So we are working on plans to keep me safe while she's away.

[comrademoomoo]

Do you know how to express anger in an angry or unsanitised way? If you are someone who holds onto things very tightly and finds it difficult to move through feelings, this could be information about your inner conflict. So, rather than wanting to protect her, maybe parts of you are keeping hold of the anger in order to protect other parts of you. In some way, repressing the anger and closely holding the grief is serving you - holding it together keeps you safe from the (perceived risk) of feeling. If you express the anger, it could get messy and painful and you wouldn't be in control. Ultimately, of course you would become able to resolve some of the grief issues, but that in itself might be threatening - making room for other feelings is unchartered territory.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks, Comrade.


I can't say that I know how to express anger in an unsanitised way.

I feel things deeply, that is for sure.


We have probably acknowledged it, but I feel uncomfortable staying in that anger space because I then feel unwell.

[InkyBooky]

Trigger warning for discussion of suicide-

Possible trigger:

Is this related to grief around your friend's death? If so, it's common for a death by suicide to leave survivors with complicated grief- which can be harder to move through than uncomplicated grief. Particularly with suicide- there can be a lot of shame, anger, guilt, and confusion around the death. Having lost my 30 year old brother to an especially traumatic death by suicide (traumatic for both him and for those of us left with him in the aftermath) I can relate to the complicated and horrible myriad of feelings.

It's not easy to articulate these feelings to anyone- even a trusted therapist. It's just a really, really difficult topic. I still don't know how to discuss it with anyone other than my therapist. My experience is that most people, no matter how well meaning, just can't hold it or even face it. Despite their sympathy or compassion, it's incredibly hard for most people to sit with the facts of it or to witness my true feelings and experience. I also have a lot of anger related to abuse and neglect that my brother and I experienced (which contributed to his mental illness and ultimately his death). But even without that extra layer I would still feel the need to protect others from this. To protect them from me. From him. From the story. From the feelings.

You're not alone in that instinct to shield others from your anger or pain.

All I can say is that your therapist is very likely trained, skilled, willing, and able to handle your anger (and any other feelings accompanying your grief). So hopefully you can trust in that. Trust in her. She is there to help you process the complicated feelings. She's truly the one person you don't have to protect! Vulnerability is hard but it's the only path to healing. Best of luck in this difficult journey. Hugs.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks so much, Inky.

You hit the nail on the head.

I tend to think she's seen me at my worst...working virtually over lockdown was hard...but this is another level.

When Steve made his exit, I was still working with R virtually, so it feels like we've only had a year of talking about it properly.

We're back to working face to face now, thank goodness...but because I'm a wordy person, I have to find the 'right' way to talk about all this.

I wish I could drop that, but it's difficult.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Do you know how to express anger in an angry or unsanitised way? If you are someone who holds onto things very tightly and finds it difficult to move through feelings, this could be information about your inner conflict. So, rather than wanting to protect her, maybe parts of you are keeping hold of the anger in order to protect other parts of you. In some way, repressing the anger and closely holding the grief is serving you - holding it together keeps you safe from the (perceived risk) of feeling. If you express the anger, it could get messy and painful and you wouldn't be in control. Ultimately, of course you would become able to resolve some of the grief issues, but that in itself might be threatening - making room for other feelings is unchartered territory.

Not to interject too much in this thread, but this resonated with me, Comrade. I have trouble both feeling and expressing anger. That I've been able to both feel and express it toward Dr. T (rather than just turning it inward) is a sign a considerable progress for me.

It has led to things being a bit messy, but I think, in my case, they needed to get messy for me to really unlock some other feelings about things not related to him. It's taken some time to unpack it all, but I'm getting there.

One of those things is tied into what led to the whole "I love you" mess (hm, perhaps that should be my memoir title?) That I said something to him in anger that he said was "very offensive." And I kept having this thought of "I'm sorry--I love you."

It took me some time to really unpack that, the deeper meaning behind that comment. I realized that I had this false belief that if I really loved someone, I wouldn't knowingly say something hurtful to them in anger (and, conversely, had a sort of belief about how someone should act toward me). Which came from my parents (who rarely, if ever, expressed anger toward each other).

Anyway, sorry for the tangent, but thought I'd share some anger-related insights I've had lately that your comment brought to mind. And how it has ultimately been helpful (if painful at the time) to *not* protect my T.

[East17]

Yes I can relate to the 'holding back' thing, especially after a break. It's almost as though I need a couple of sessions to settle in, to feel comfortable and allow myself to believe that the trust is there again.

You are right that this is something which might be a valuable topic to talk to your T about, but it has to feel the right time for you, as in when you 'want to' do it rather than thinking you 'ought to'.

Complicated grief throws up so many difficult emotions and feelings, especially anger, and sometimes it can be hard to separate out exactly what or who you are angry at.

You say you have to find the 'right' way to talk about it all; and having to find just the right words myself, I do get that.... but really there is no wrong way to talk about it, however you express it, will be fine, and your T will understand.