Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I think my weight shifted really suddenly. My hips seem to be gone now and my jeans fit good but my hoodies are fitting weirdly. Thats supposed to happen. My weight is supposed to shift to my stomach. I just hope we don't have too much of an issue with food and my weight at out next session.

Since you mentioned it again the other day - I checked to see if the CoDA meeting I used to go to was still in existence but it's not. You will be happy to hear, though, that I didn't stop there; I did a little further research on the website and found an online one that works for me day/time-wise and it starts an hour from now so I will be brave and log onto it and see how it goes. Yes, it was helpful when I went before and I dug out my book/workbook and am re-familiarizing myself with the info before the meeting starts.

eta: I enjoyed the meeting. I'm going to log onto this one again next Sunday evening. maybe I'll even get brave and share next week. We shall see. I'll spend some time working in the workbook again before then.

T: I can't believe I told my parents. im exhausted. and now I might not see you this week if I get a bed.

E: I REALLY need to talk to you. If I am inpatient, I really, really hope they will still let me see you. That probably will be a stipulation.

Sorry if I get you sick. It didn't fully hit me until I got home. I thought it was just my stomach again.

I’m drowning. I feel like such a selfish, useless person. I hate myself.

Dear T,
I told you that would be fine. I was even fairly likely to cancel Thursday's session. But I still feel weirdly upset that you asked this early to replace me with someone else. I mean, I didn't feel right saying no. And if I did say no, I wouldn't feel right potentially canceling Thursday.

And I'm honestly bothered by your comment yesterday that you'd prefer I didn't come in Thursday, even if it was tongue-in-cheek. It's not my fault you have to go to some graduation and aren't working Wednesday. And that you filled up your Thursday schedule. Well, now I guess you're still stuck with the whole 9 hours!

I guess at least this way I don't have to make a decision (I mean, I could have said no to your text, but if I'm already on the fence, it seemed wrong to say I wanted to keep the session).

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I'm so glad we had that conversation today.
Although it definitely wasn't the kind of session I'd have chosen, it enabled me/us to keep it light before you go away for a week.

I appreciate you reminding me that your therapy clients are your priority...and that your professional relationship with me takes precedence over any training...

It's also good to know that you wouldn't divulge if someone asked outright.

Now I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do about the SL support group, before their next meeting.

how have you had such infinite patience with me and my BS? I suppose that speaks to how you continue to do your own work - that you haven't yet given up on me. And I totally meant what I typed in here the other day thanking you for your unflinching honesty. I'm ready to hear it all - bring it!!!

E: I miss you. Don't worry I never would tell. Tomorrow is my intake appointment. I really hope a bed isn't open until Monday. That is a long time, so it probably won't happen, but then I won't be able to see you. Its been a long time, for me.

I think I am going to check in with you tomorrow to see if we can do a 30-minute phone session on Friday at my normal time. I have been thinking SO much about that question you asked me - and I wanna talk about it. And about going back to CoDA. We're old hat at doing phone sessions, I don't need no stinkin' Zoom haha. A phone session is easier logistically since I'll be at my sister's house; I can just go for a walk around her neighborhood.

Dear T,

Well, I teared up multiple times during tonight's concert and full-on cried once--to a song I associate with ex-MC that I hadn't heard live since that night I emailed him. But it was OK. I was OK (and am still OK). And it was a great show.

And I'm not going to email you regarding my reaction to the cancellation thing. I can't see how it would possibly go well (especially as tomorrow you'll be at that graduation and you have a very long day of clients Thursday, so you'd likely be in a cranky mood). Might mention it Friday, but I'll see how I feel.

I mean, I do think there could be something to learn from my agreeing to something even though I'm not entirely OK with it. Both the deal around the session and my saying OK when you said someone else needed it.

Love,
LT

T and E: The inpatient stay is now half of what it was. I got off the phone with them and had a panic attack. Everything keeps changing, and I hate that.

t,

something has changed between us. it’s nice. seems we have more in common than i thought. thanks for the disclosures.

me

E: I hope you will be ok and recovered enough from your trip to help me tomorrow. Everything is changing. There is so much uncertainty.

Dear T,
Ugh, I wish I hadn't seen that post about the accident on the intersection next to your office on NextDoor. I couldn't tell what vehicle the overturned one was. I will do my best to not check in with you. I'll at least do so over email if I do... due to what happened the other time (though this is literally right there; the other was just nearby--and it didn't say this was a fatal one, or even a bad injury, though the one vehicle was on its side).

Though based on the posting time, if that accident had just happened, it would have been at my original session time, when you were having someone else come in. So you most likely wouldn't have been on the road? Plus, from what you described before, you generally don't take the route that involves that intersection (I do sometimes though, when I'm leaving your office). So I will tell myself that you're OK.
Love,
LT

i kinda need you rn ugh i maytext youtotomororw you sai di could

I am trying so hard to be courageous and proactive when it comes to dealing with the local support group.

I need to find a way to communicate with them before the next meeting, because I can't always reach the right words when working on Anniversary Time.

can we talk tomorrow maybe i should have already asked and i didn'twant to betooassuiming or whateer but aftertonight i realy wanna tlak wth youuuuuu

i mean i think it's good in a lot of ways btu omg toooo

nah i don't deservei you i need to justgo tobed and try toseleep this off

I hope that you do a good job today, better than your usual drivel. And what I really mean is that I hope I put in the work and can allow some connection.

I don't know why our brief text conversation this morning left me feeling emotional.
It was in a good way for once, I think.
The thought that we will actually sit together on that day, of all the possible days...is a balm.

Thank you for getting it, too.

Oh god, what a cringefest.

And as if your teeth weren't bad enough, I now notice that your fingernails are dirty. Ugh. And wearing a lace cardigan. I just can't.

Dear T,
See, that's a side benefit (for you) to my loving you--I look out for your health (even though chances are good this is allergies). I imagine many (most?) of your clients probably wouldn't give it a second thought and would just roll on in.

Though to be honest, I also have a lot of work to finish up today, so this way, I save 45-ish minutes of driving time. But if I was feeling perfectly fine, I'd have just come in person made it work timing-wise.

Love,
LT