Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

My T of 7.5 years just “yelled” at me on Saturday night bc I need to get my **** together and use my support system. That I can not do this all alone. Yeah, yeah!

Must be something in the air at the moment!

help. please, T and E. I can't do this anymore.

You said to lay low if there was an idictment and stay home. Idk. I went to the makeup section at Target this morning to get a face mostiuizer and I had no anxiety or issue with anything.

I'm hopeful that I will be able to smooth things over next week.
The last thing I wanted to do was transfer my confusion to you.
It's loud in my head at the moment, even without the Critic.
Although I half expect him to butt in again, because the closer I get to my truth, the louder he is.

Utterly useless. I wish you would pull your £ucking finger out. Look lively! Wake up!! If you won't fight me, you at least need to have smart things to say. Maybe I need to call it a day with you. Is blandness enough of a reason to end with you? Would most people seem bland in comparison to the previous fireworks?

Did my email on Tuesday offend you? The Nashville shooting was making me angry for that reason I told you about. But you didn't respond that email or the one from today.

Sorry about the food again. Its warm out right now and its making me so sleepy I'm already in bed. I get thats probably just a BS excuse though.

Dear T,
OK, that's not the session I'd hoped for. Maybe it was my own fault. And of course I shouldn't have asked about vacation email policy or if you'd give any information at all about what you were doing at the end. If anything, I should have asked that at the beginning. Still...I could have used more connection and warmth. It seemed there at the start, then faded out. I think there were some good insights there, some of which I need to consider more. But not what I was hoping for today. Again, partly my fault.

Please travel safely. See you in 10 days.

Love,
LT

Thank you, L. SO much.

T: You are wrong. I absolutely was and am a waste of space. I was quite useless today, nor do I see that improving.

I know we don't normally respond here Velcro but you are most certainly NOT a waste of space.

Seconded!

oh, but i am. i literally slumped on her couch and stared into the distance for an hour. my mind and body are done.

Which reflects that you are in a bad place right now, not that you are generally a waste of space - you are not

This is an impossible place.
I don't want to hold what I know, but I don't want it to impact anyone else.

I really needed our session Monday and you rescheduled stuff so we could still work together before your Easter break. Now I've had to cancel through circumstances outside of my control and have to wait nearly 2 weeks before I can see you again. The pink elephant stuff isn't going away though. I don't want to have to deal with it on my own until we resume on the 11th. Your reply to my email was ok but I couldn't tell if you were relieved or annoyed about the cancellation.
You likely haven't given it a second thought. Unlike my brain that examines everything to the nth degree....

I just hope that circumstances don't prevent us from meeting in person next time. Apart from H, you are the only person I see f2f. I need that connection.

I'm hoping I can get involved in work projects this week to help take my mind off the dark stuff. But I feel too exhausted to concentrate and work situation is inherently stressful anyway.

My thoughts are already spiralling... 9 days to go

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Four more sleeps until I can address the mess I feel like I have made.

E and T: I truly am not sure I can do it much longer. I don’t think I will actually be able to tell either of you the actual depth of my despair. There is no reason. I will not go to a psych ward, and I can’t afford in many ways to go back to Wellness.

I want you to help, but there isn’t anything left to do.

I have never felt so proud of myself or so exhausted.
I made the phone call and survived the curveball.

You were so busy rambling about food today that I totally forgot to tell you about my uncles girlfriend who is in the ICU. And now I feel guilty for forgetting about it.

Dear T,

See you in the morning, and for the first time in what feels like a very long time, I'm not dreading it.

I think I can be pretty confident that you would never ask me something that bluntly.

I understand that she is a volunteer, but it seems seriously callous to enquire about the specifics.


I think I'll need you to move if possible on Thursday.

Dear T, why do crises happen when you're not available...?

Firstly I had to cancel our session this week due to events beyond my control. Now you're off for the rest of the week and have family visiting. Which normally wouldn't be a problem, except I've been hit by a totally unexpected issue and really need your support and you can't be there for me. Not blaming you, it's just a crap set of circumstances aligning all at the same time.

Samaritans it is then.

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Thanks T-I’m glad you can fit me in tomorrow. Thanks.

E-I’ve written you SO much lately. You keep saying it is always ok to write you. I hope I don’t abuse it. I would classify as what I am going through right now is a crisis, so it isn’t like I am just chatting over email.

I really hope you're ready for the chaos that tomorrow's conversation will bring.
The first part will hopefully be OK, a simple chat about scheduling next month, but after that...it will likely get weird.