Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I've been restricting today and since we meet tonight instead of the morning, its going to be an issue unless I can shove something in between now and when we meet in several hours.

Dear T,
I'm glad I asked about the fish placement. I should have just asked sooner. What you said made me feel a lot better about it.

It also occurs to me that you might have responded much differently had this been, say, 4 years ago (as in, pre-pandemic and earlier in the therapeutic relationship). I could have seen you saying something like, "I get to decide where things go in my office." Instead of explaining to me the meaning and logic behind putting it there, how it's in "the circle." And sort of reassuring me.

I suppose we've both come a long way in nearly 6 years.

Love,
LT

Thank you for cancelling last minute for personal reasons and reschuleding for later this week during the morning. I had no idea how I was going to be able to function for a night session, or explain my food situation today.

See you in the morning...thank goodness.

I may want to talk with you before my 10/3 surgery thing. We'll see how I feel about it as it gets closer.

Well that potential T was a dud. I can see why you were less than thrilled about me checking him out.

I wrote you a letter letter on paper. I was going to slide it under your office door since I was in the neighborhood. I even drove to your office building. I parked outside and debated. Eventually, I decided not to deliver it. I think it was the right choice. I have to figure out what I need to do so that I don't spend all day journaling, especially once I return to work.

Still nothing in the mail from you. I wonder how long it is going to take me before I stop hoping/wishing/looking for something.

Yeah, I was fast asleep about half an hour before our session would have started last night. This morning I'm awake and feeling pretty decent though.

Dear E,
I didn't drink on my discharge date... but I did the night after. I was feeling so uncomfortable and there were three beers still in the fridge. I know I should've taken my PRNs but I wanted immediate relief not have to wait half an hour-45+ minutes. It really doesn't help that the IOP you sent me to is across the street from the state liquor store either (did they do that on purpose?).
I'm sorry for being such a disappointment.

I really need to talk to you.

Dear T,
Thanks for keeping me pointed in the right direction!

I think you were kinda annoyed when I said "I think I'm feeling like this because of this extra weight I am carrying." A 190 person can have pain the same way a 300 pound person can. Just saying. Overall it was a good session and I'm glad you agree with me that I wouldn't abuse muscle relaxers

I think I'm having therapy withdrawals

Dear T,
I think stuff from that concert will provide some good fodder for tomorrow's session. Now I just need to get some sleep so that I can be somewhat coherent for it (doesn't help that H has to get up early for PT!) Maybe I should have just done twice this week...eh, we'll see tomorrow, I guess! I feel like I've had some pretty insightful sessions when I've been really tired--seems like I'm less censored then, for some reason.

Love,
LT

I did exactly what you said to do with my meds and only got an hour and a half of sleep last night. Not tired at all. I don't think you understand the extent that my sleep is broken. That makes about 14 hours over the past four nights total. I am falling asleep fine half the time, just waking up wide eyed and bushy tailed within three hours.

Just sat down to do the next lesson in my online art class, for the second time.

First time I found I couldn't focus.

This time, a bizarre choice of anecdote touched a nerve.



I don't want to be like a turtle without a shell for the next week or more.

So you are online in the video program and your dot was red for a little over an hour. I'm watching T TV. How am I going to feel when you go offline? I can't tell if it is leaving me feeling better or worse.

Email if I think you can be helpful. What kind of guideline is that for me - when I rarely know what will be helpful or know where the line is between helpful and burden.

Well, you added two more sessions which I'm grateful for, but that only works out if the baby comes on its due date. Still, less than 2 months away.

This 'middle ground' between the aftermath and the next anniversary date is exhausting.

I know you 'can be' right there in the hard moments, but the way this has worked out still means that I'm going to be watching the video on the day that I am not sure I will be able to.

ok, I am a bit surprised at no response to my email; yet. I get it, it was one of the reasons we'd been struggling as an alliance. Even if I understand it, it still hurts. Why does it hurt? You'd say something about caring/love - why were you able to bring that out in me? I haven't been like that with other therapist and lots of other people are not like this with their therapist. Maybe it was just because of the psychological state I was in at the time we met.

ETA - ok, your reply came in. It would have been more personal had you said something jokey about the word I used. It seemed pretty impersonal and professional. Intentional or not? Perceived or Actual (real or not real)?

I've been more focused today on what my physical therapist wants me to be doing, but I feel kind of sad right now.

Dear T,
I hope you're not dead. Or annoyed about the email--it was in your favor! I was letting you know you undercharged me! You've said before how scheduling and financial emails don't count toward email totals. And I also didn't want to have to spend time talking about money (particularly when it's about $5/session) and having you potentially go back to your notes when I'm only seeing you twice next week anyway. I wish we'd just signed something when we agreed on the new rate. Then we'd have the same thing to look back on. Maybe I just shouldn't have said anything, but I didn't want you later realizing you'd undercharged me and being annoyed...

But I mostly hope you're not dead. Maybe you're traveling or something? If you haven't said anything by tonight, maybe I'll send an email confirming the different time tomorrow, as you just said it was fine to do that. That would at least confirm the "not dead" part...(plus, I have this tiny speck of doubt in my head about whether the change to 1:30 was for tomorrow or Thursday...)

Love,
LT

I took one shower already. I'll have to take 2 more including the one before we meet on Thursday. So that will exceed the goal you gave me. I still have to take the walk though. I've got stuff to do for my PT too and I've been lazy this weekend and just kind of ignoring everything. But I did watch a bit of non news TV this morning and my food intake today wasn't terrible. I ate some steamed vegetables.

Dear T,
Glad you're not dead, but I feel weird about your reply and the fact that you completely ignored the billing email (I responded to that, so you had to have seen it). I'm going to feel uneasy walking in there tomorrow, I think? Even though I don't feel I should be feeling that way. Couldn't you have at least acknowledged it in some way? Like "Got your email about the billing--thanks for letting me know!" I'm just worried you think my one comment was passive-aggressive, when it wasn't meant that way at all?

Maybe I'll send something else brief about it, I don't know. I shouldn't have just asked about the time.

Love,
LT

I did meet a couple goals but I feel kind of guilty about doing nothing this weekend and barely even getting out of bed. Idk. You'll probably say I needed the rest. I'm not sure whats up with my mom either who has been zonked out on the recliner all afternoon.

I also never told you something intresting that I probably should have mentioned by now. Its nothing mental health related. Just a fun fact really.

Dear T,
Please don't be annoyed about my brief email. I just don't want to wonder until 1:30 tomorrow if you're annoyed. If you are annoyed for some reason, I know we can talk through it, and it will be OK. If you aren't, then I won't have to stress over it.
Love,

LT