Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I don't know what I was talking about today when I said pre pandemic was the last time things were normal. I mean I do, but its tough to talk about it.

Basically it was New Years Eve 2019-March 17th 2020. The time when I am pretty sure I got covid on New Years Eve 2019 and when I started my injections on March 17th 2020 and the world shut down and the telesessions began all at the same time.

That was when I was working and going to therapy in person and Covid was there but **** hadn't hit the fan yet.

Idk. Do I just miss working and seeing you in person? I need to get this physical **** under control before I go back to work, and I'll be back in person with you on October 5th.

I guess doing telesessions for so long is starting to remind me of 2020 even though it was my choice and I know it was the right choice.

your description oh my!

I took a benadryl which finally got me relaxed tonight. I only had the one glass with one tablespoon instead of 2 this morning. I didn't hear back from my doctor though but my therapist was very understanding and helpful when I met with her this morning.

I should have added, that is stopped for some unfathomable reason. Like tom cruise is running across the top of it!

I went out today. I had to really push myself. It wasn't fun.
Just health wise. But I got out at least.

I swear its not possible. But why does it feel like my SAD is starting extra early this year? I woke up from a 3 hour nap today and it was starting to get dark... and yeah..

I am sad and busy pretending that I'm not.

Boo.

i've really made a mess of my life. ****.

I took a shower for the first time since Tuesday afternoon. It didn't make me feel better like you thought. Basically just OTC pain meds, Carafate, and 3 hour long naps help. I smell like Old Spice and American Crew though.

Dear T,
Congrats on the victory!

Also, I miss you.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I'm having one of those days where that word you use so easily with me doesn't seem to fit.

I don't feel brave right now. I feel like I'm struggling with something impossible.

See you in a few days...

Hey L. So I realized when I woke up this morning that I've been sliding toward depression again lately and because of that I hadn't taken a shower since Thursday. I got up and showered, and it did actually help me feel marginally more positive. Then I got dressed and cleaned my living room, put various boxes of yarn in a closet instead of leaving them on the floor by the couch, and sorted the piled-up mail (throwing away most of it!) That further inspired me to unload/load/run the dishwasher, and put in a load of laundry. I'm feeling a little bit better. Having the day off work today for the holiday helps too, I'm sure. I have the tools to get through this low period, I just need to use them. I think that's what you'd say. Right?

Hey again. So I just forced myself to go out of the house and run a couple of errands, had to get cat litter and pick up some stuff at the grocery store. At the pet store I took a few minutes to play with the kittens. They're so adorable. One of them kept sticking his paw out one of the little holes in the glass, he looked just like my Rascal looked when he was a kitten; I miss his sweet face. It's been going on 2 years since he crossed the rainbow bridge and I still think about him often.

I've been out twice and taken a shower once since we last met. So I'm following your advice. And also my primary doctors advice as well.

I just had a realization about why i've never felt 'good enough' for my Mom. I remembered something she told me when I was pregnant with my son - she mentioned how lucky I was to be having a child because I wanted to. Because when she got pregnant with me it was because she thought she had to because that's what all her married friends were doing, starting families. So. Because she didn't get pregnant with me because she wanted me, it's just natural that i'd never be good enough. Yeesh. Why did she have to tell me that? It has never left my brain.

Dear T,

I hope you're home safely or get home safely. And not too late so that you'll be OK for tomorrow. I'm still debating about Thursday/Friday--guess I'll see what I'm feeling when I see you.
Love,
LT

I give up. I can't do this. I am so mad at you.

17 sessions left. My heart is breaking.

I kind of keep hoping you might message me today and say that you have time to talk. At the same time, I don't think you are going to do that, so maybe it's a fantasy.

I do and don't understand.

And if you were ever able to see me again, I wouldn't trust you the same. I don't want to say never because maybe I'm wrong and maybe the connection we made is deeper than what I think it is. I just don't seem me trusting or being able to believe that we have the time we need/want to get to things. And without that belief, I'm not sure I can let the parts be themselves.

I am not pleased with yesterday's cancellation.

I'm glad your understanding about all this stuff and you said "email me anytime." Yesterday.

Thank you for your calm presence today.
It's been a while since I've felt so much emotion in your company.

Dear T,
Thanks for being a safe space where I can dump out all those fears. Thanks for not seeming judgmental or acting like I was crazy. And things like this are part of why I'm reluctant to reduce sessions. I can seem mostly fine, then the OCD takes hold. And as I said, glad I kept tomorrow on the schedule.

Love,
LT

I really appreciate you switching my appointments around like that and being so understanding about needing different days. It was nice that you said you were glad for me that I was getting this help.

I had my mom listen to that song we like. She didn't get it.

Heya. You know, this poem-writing is actually helping more than I expected it would, especially the most recent one. That, and getting out of town for a couple nights. I've been working on my gratitude practice, and using the Mood Elevator tool to bring myself up to curious; to do that I had to get curious about why I've been feeling so low. And still praying every night and sometimes during the day too. Slowly, slowly I'm starting to feel better.

tonight i decided that instead of continuing to wish someone else would answer this question for me "what IS it about this relationship that I can't let it go" it's high time that I sit down and try to answer it for myself. here goes nothin'.

Today I have been dealing with one hell of a therapy hangover, but that wouldn't surprise you. You know how intense that was.