Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I don't feel like emailing you. I called my doctor again for the second time today. And I'm still waiting for the other one to call to set up the exam. I haven't emailed you at all this week but I guess everything has been mostly physical so its been unecessary.

Is it weird though that I already have my outfit planned out for when we go back to in person?

I still don't know when. September maybe at this point. I miss in person but these other issues suck.

Trust a poet born nearly 1200 years ago to find the right words for my situation.
The title is beyond apt, too.

A Gift of Grace - Ono no Komachi

Dear T,
Well, it's a bit eerie reading my journal from when I was 18 and seeing very similar words to what I've said to you and others. I mean, recurring patterns much? I knew they were there, but reading them made it hit home more.

Do I talk about some of that tomorrow? I'm mainly unsure because I'll have pick up D at camp immediately after the session, and I'm afraid I'll be all emotional. But maybe it would help you understand more--especially how this is about something much bigger than you, something that was there at least 28 years ago. I mean, we've talked about it, but maybe sharing some of my actual words from that time? Plus that card from the guy I dated. Or perhaps I should wait?

I just wish I'd written consistently in there--it's like I'm missing some important episodes of a TV show. It's perhaps in printed-out emails somewhere? Or some other journal that is hiding, either here or at my parents'. I suppose I could ask people I knew then about it, but I don't know that I want to go there.

Anyway, I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow in terms of what I want to talk about.

Love,
LT

Thanks for sharing your autopilot moment over the weekend.
Seems kind of ironic that it happened on Sunday when I was floundering...but you don't know about that yet.

I'll get to that next week.

Love,

Lost

I feel nervous about meeting tomorrow. I am anticipating a lot of earnest talk from you and it makes me uncomfortable and irritable. I am growing to like that you are careful and thoughtful, but the other one's flippancy was definitely more comfortable for me. In a way.

I don't think I've never not emailed you once during the week to update you on things. I don't know if you will comment on it or not. Its not that I've been doing all that good. I've just been exhausted mainly.

I'm doing good today. I'm not sure what to talk to you about today. I think I got everything under control on my own. Or am getting it under control.

What do I pay you for? Do you do anything other than "feeling into it"? I am not sure how that helps me.

I feel like celebrating that 2 weeks ago today I got out of the hospital. June was such a life-altering month for me all the way around and that's a very good thing indeed. I've never felt so content within my own skin, so in touch with my body, so grounded-without-trying. And to think, it all started with that one 'little' question that you asked me on June 9th...

Thank you. For everything. I remember you told me in December of 2021 when we stopped then, that it doesn't have to be sad; and I'm actually not sad now. But at the same time, I know I'm going to miss you. And when I do, I'll remember to be grateful for how much this relationship has meant to me for so many years, and I know that I'll always have the version of you that lives in my heart to talk to.

"Thank you" just feels so inadequate.

I wish I had explained myself better when I said that therapy was starting to feel like one of those boxes I mentioned. What I meant, and I sure wish I'd had these words earlier, was that lately I feel like I'm trying to be something there, that I'm now realizing that I'm not. That being, what I think you want me to be. Eh, I don't know if that makes any more sense than what I did say, so, oh well. I'm sure that you somehow still understood the spirit of what I was saying, even if the words didn't quite make sense. You're intuitive like that.

Still, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I'm using what I've learned in CoDA though and trusting you to manage your own 'stuff' if I did; also cuz you said I never have to apologize for anything there... so... I'm taking you at your word. I just finished a poem about the boxes thing and about what I said today. It's in my poetry blog, so if you ever do look at it again, you'll see it.

How do I explain to you that I've been S for 3 days and I can't get out of bed or take a shower and I've had too many OTC meds today and I just now dry swallowed 2 melatonin and I'm listening to the song Mad World?

I hope we can sort through this. Would it help me to show you my journal? I feel exposed doing that, but maybe I can shoulder the shame of it.

I am worried about you going into pseudo-theory stuff because it's very isolating for me.

Ha. Locking me out of the building is the least subtle way of telling me to leave you alone. Pretty basic use of metaphor, must try harder, 3/10.

I think my depression is just related to my gallbladder pain. At least today its all physical and I don't feel like I did these past 3 days. Honestly I'm not even thinking of that thing that was causing me so much distress. I just put on my favorite TV show all day and managed my meds correctly and my mental health has been managed even if my pain sucks.

Dear T,
While walking to my car, I think I figured out what that started again, the look for some sort of paternal acceptance figure, after all that time: I became a mother. I'll need to think on it some more, but that makes sense. It drew me back to my childhood and those unmet needs.

Had this been a couple years ago, I probably would have sent you a sentence or two email telling you what I realized. But I can just wait until Thursday.

Love,
LT

I would give a lot to know what you're telling the supervisor or discussing in personal therapy about me. And to know what's on your mind right now. It's been so long since we last saw each other. Do you remember me? I miss you so much

I was out today and I thought yeah theres no way I'm physically ready to go back to in person. It wasn't like with my transference T when I would ache to see her in person. I really can't make it in now.

Okay let's even forget that it's not really appropriate for you to follow my Instagram (moreover it's private). However, the fact that you keep watching almost all my stories is literally killing me. Maybe I shouldn't care so much, but I do.
Do you simply swipe through them quickly? Do you watch them attentively? Does it make you think of me even for a second?Pleaseeeee tell meeee

Yesterday was one of the most challenging f2f sessions we've ever had. I feel absolutely wiped-out.

I had my doubts about going into that topic this week, particularly because you are now off for 2 weeks and we don't meet again until August. You said you'd leave it up to me whether our next session is online or f2f. I'm feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment and right now just want to give therapy a miss for the forseeable, but I know that's just an automatic reaction to feeling so exposed and vulnerable about what we were discussing.

I'm sure by the next time we meet I'll have got over it. I just have to tolerate sitting with it for the next 19 days....

At least I have legit things now to talk about on Friday.

Thicko. It's just a matter of time til you say #notallmen.

Although we became friends and you're no longer my T, I miss you more than ever.
It feels like you're no longer mine.
What was the point of it all. You knew how attached I was to you but you still befriended me. Things were beautiful and now you've left me.
I don't know what to do. You've really hurt me.

I told you I had been listening to the song Mad World and Adams Song by Blink 182 this past weekend. You of course knew the song. You asked if thats how I felt last weekend and I said yeah. We agreed I'd keep on talking to my mom if those feelings came up.

You seem to get the level of physical pain I am in instead of being like just call 911 or go to the hospital. My mom likes that you don't overeact to these situations the way some of my other therapists have.