Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I was so ***** stupid.

I like how you'd understand how a shirtless selfie would make me feel a lot better. Our session on Thursday is actually on the 3rd anniversary of the best day of my life.

E: I hope you write back tomorrow. It is a little worrying that you didn’t respond today. I won’t worry unless it gets to mid-afternoon tomorrow and I haven’t heard from you.

T: I hope I can see you this week.

Seriously what is the fkng new on-call number? I don't even know my case manager or T's extensions (lost them) and it's after hours so it's not like I can call anyone to find out. This tornado is taking over my life and I don't know how much more I can take.

Petty I know, but I removed all 6 of my comments on your different YouTube videos. Given that you have less than 5 comments on each I like to think it makes a difference.

Day 14 of gym done.

I am holding so much grief and pain. I feel hopeless and defeated. I think it's time to give up my dream

hugs, scarlet.

Sorry about the sort of drastic difference in my appeareance between our sessions. I compared pictures from 2 weeks ago to today. Its just been getting off meds that were making me sick and quitting coffee and stuff. I don't know if you'll have an issue. You knew about my stomach bug and me just feeling unwell and stuff. Our new afternoon time slots might make you be harder on me if I haven't eaten all day though.

I have lost the urge to call you now that yesterday is over and it went so well. I feel like I still owe you an apology though for the gazillion codependent behaviors I engaged in there in the past, but you'd probably remind me that I don't have to apologize for anything I say there. Even though I think I do as far as amends go for my CoDA program work. And I wanna talk to you about this situation with H. so I guess I'll still call. Or maybe email.

I'm starting to feel abandoned by the team again. If I don't get acall from J by the end of the day I'm gonna be really upset. I feel like I completely spiralling and you guys have no clue because everybody changed their ****ing number anad no one told me.

ok i emailed

hmm. maybe you're just super busy today, or more likely you're just done with me, now. sigh. probably you're done with my bs. I guess I won't bother you anymore. Maybe I should have called but I was a little nervous to. I'm sorry.

now i'm starting to wonder if you'll even answer the phone if i get up the nerve to call.

it's not logical that you wouldn't answer though. i just need to shut up and wait 24 hours and then call.

no more of my stupid bs. i'm calling tomorrow on my lunch break.

E: I really hate that we keep talking about all this body stuff. I know I choose what to talk about or not, but I know that this issue is all consuming right now, and certainly won't improve if I shove it all down. I am SO glad I will meet with you on Monday. I hope we can really figure out this email situation.

T: No open sessions this week? I think this is the 3rd week without seeing you. Should I say goodbye?

12 more sessions. 12 more hours. It's not enough! Not enough for all the pain I'm carrying.

Please see how bad this is. As if I don't struggle with shame enough, I got it shoved down my throat that I'm a "danger to others."

I'm pretty annoyed you switched our session to telehealth. I was looking forward to seeing you for the second time since May. I spent $14 on 2 drinks at Starbucks to make sure I'd be alert. And now I just feel disapointed and with a stomach full of coffee.

Update: you could have at least responded to my frustrated email reply instead of just sending an email with a zoom link. If you are that sick I'd rather you cancel altogether instead of being weird and getting my mind racing for a week.

I ended up taking a half hour stress nap this morning since I legit needed to see you in person today. I guess theres worse things to be doing then stress napping

holy hell i am so nervous to dial your phone number. what the heck.

Thank you for being willing to see me tomorrow. I appreciate it a lot.

L, thank you for believing in me and my dream. I know you want it for me as much as I want it for me. But it has to be done right. If there's a chance, I will have to work my butt off to manage myself. I cannot do this naively or blindly. I will not be like my family.

I didn't realize how bad I had heartburn during our session. I did ask if my voice sounded weird but I don't think that was related. After we were finished I went to the bathroom and immediatly threw up some bile. I feel a lot better now though but our session wasn't very good today just because of it suddenly changing to zoom and stuff.

Dr. S. Just cuz I said you don't have to reply doesn't mean I don't want you to reply. - me.

I don't really get though why you are eating big bowls of potato chips during our sessions when we are talking about eating disorders and food restrictions and triggers and stuff.