Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
Hope you're OK, as normally, you do invoicing over the weekend and you didn't. I imagine you were just busy. In which case, it's probably good that I didn't email. Not that I knew what to say or what I wanted from you anyway.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
I felt sort of pushed into that topic. I understand it's important to talk about, but I had some insights from Friday's session that I wanted to share, and I guess I thought you'd reference that at some point? I may end up emailing you later, I'm not sure.

Also, I feel a little bad that I was lamenting our local sports teams but didn't mention what's going on in Israel. I hope you don't know anyone there who was hurt or worse. I don't know where exactly your family hails from. But I also know you don't like making things about you, so asking would have seemed inappropriate.

Guess I just felt like we were on different pages today. Disconnected. But I do appreciate some of the supportive stuff you said. And your handshake at the end felt warm, with your comment of "I know it was a difficult session." Still may email you... (though H made me feel better about not mentioning Israel).

Love,
LT

Well I missed you today.

Day 19 of gym done.

You sent me the name of the doctor. But I think you gave me the wrong one. He is a weight loss specialist. Not a primary doctor Iike I asked. Idk how to even bring this one up to you.

But thanks for the info about the vitamin and possible nausea side effect.

Dear T,
Please reply tomorrow morning with something supportive... I tried to be very balanced in the email, saying what felt off while thanking you for what was helpful. But I'm really anxious. And wishing I could have a cigarette. Which I haven't felt in a while. So it's clearly triggering something. I probably was too broad in the email and maybe a bit too low-key. But I hope you can give some sort of helpful reply in the morning. Not just "Thank you for sharing. Talk to you Wednesday." Though I'm bracing myself for that...

Love,
LT

About two weeks ago, I submitted one of the poems I've written since Steve died to an online magazine.

They had a themed issue on the subject of grace...and I thought it fit, even if that's through gritted teeth for me.

This morning they emailed - 'We liked it, and we spent extra time with it, but we don't have a place for it in the current issue.'

It's hard to seek publication for such personal writing - I feel like I'm running around saying 'Please, see me.'

It's a difficult balance to strike...

Oh J,
It is sooo you to try to make me feel good about a week where I spent over half my bank account on alcohol, drove under the influence (multiple times!), fought viciously and broke up with my girlfriend over her sending me the text "ur my wourld", punched a hole in the wall, spent most of the time flipping back and forth between "I am better than anyone" and "holy fck I should sui before anyone sees this mess," started binging again, and--worst of all --gave myself shytty bangs.

Thanks for trying

So I call you in a crisis. No answer. I write you an email about something else, and you respond? Wtf? I don't understand you sometimes. And tonight's email response sounded pissy. You don't seem to be able to view yourself through my perspective and see that you've been different. I don't need to know why, but I wish you would see that you are different.

This isn't feeling great. You are no longer registered with any official body, you have disappeared from the directory, you have been away for the past three weeks, you haven't replied to my scheduling email. This feels horribly familiar. Even if this turns out to be a series of coincidences, I want you to be more aware of my jitteriness given my past experience. I know you aren't very organised and you aren't admin strong, but there is a real issue with you not being registered. You seemed incredulous in the last session when I said it means you aren't accountable. It literally means that. Where is my safety net? If I had a serious issue with your practice, where is the body which would step in? For someone who talks about trust and safety a lot, you don't seem to get the basics.

Dear T,
Your reply did really help. I was bracing myself for defensiveness, but got empathy, admission of your overlooking my desire to change topics, and an apology. I had considered asking if we could meet today instead of tomorrow, but I feel OK waiting now, especially as I'm pretty tired. And want to think more about what I do want to actually talk about. As I said, I had something planned for yesterday, but want to make sure it's really what I feel I need to address--I feel like this one thing you said Friday might warrant further discussion, too, but I want to think on it a bit more first.
Love,
LT

The whole family emergency email made me nervous. Especially since 2 weeks ago you gave me the classic "you're stuck with me." Therapy speech I've gotten twice in less than 5 years from 2 other therapists.

I think new temp/rebound T finally got a little clue as to the type of support you used to give. I don't think he can give it - I don't think he believes he should give it. Why in the world did you think he would be a good fit for me? Maybe he'll at least find that 2nd slot a week sometime over this week. I'm not even sure if I should continue with therapy with anyone. The head manager is making me stick to the 2-3 month guideline it established. Overall, we are not happy about it. Instead we want to do damage to ourselves and you to find out from one of these people and feel bad about it. Such an infantile fantasy. So what. You were mommy to some of us and those parts are playing havoc with my inner world.

I wonder, would you rather I finally just let go of you?!

Perhaps I never should have called you last week.

Dude. Listen to what you are saying. She HAS to retain her impartiality in order to continue to help; she has no "rather".

Perhaps - you should take as long as you want. In god's time, not your time.

yeah, i know....

Thank you for replying to my email..
Sorry about the nudge.

Will you be in person tommorow? Or will I have another telesession where I can't really talk about things I want to say? I know you mentioned earlier this week you had some issue. Idk if you resolved it or not.

Ok. I just do.

Art - hope you don't mind the response.... my response to "just do it" when I'm not sure between a choice... is "just do which one?" Leave or recommit?

I'm staying for a reason and I want to leave for a reason. I know you went through the concept of if something isn't a for sure yes, then it's a no theory. My ex-T (look I said that without crying) would pick the one that she thought I didn't want and ask me how I'd feel if that happened. In my case around something like this, how would I feel if I left my relationship - got a divorce. And no matter how many times I fantasize about a life being different; the concept of divorcing my wife; her not being there - is like a part of me being cut off or ripped out. I miss what we had and would love to get it back. So I hold out, hoping that some how, some way we'll figure out what will make things be different (possibly both of us being done with menopause -- would be helpful ).

How would you feel if you were to decide on divorce or your husband came to you and said he wanted one?

Do you know your reason for staying?

I don't think it is as simple as "just do it" until you know which you really want to do.

pm'd you

Dear T,

Would you call me gross, too, if you knew thoughts I'd had regarding you before? I don't want to talk about this one comment you made about the other client, especially on a Friday, but I may have to?
Overly cautious trigger warning:


You seem to understand transference more in many ways, but that comment makes me wonder whether you really do?

Love,
LT

Dear L,

Today I feel like I am just a horrible person, and I cannot stop beating myself up in my head. I never should have called you last week. It was not my intention to come back and talk about where we ended up last week; not what had I intended at all. And the only way I can see for it not to have happened, is for me not to have called you at all. It is my fault entirely, I accept that, and I need to just ****ing LET.YOU.GO.

I'm sorry.
Me

Art I was just sitting down to reply to your PM, but in response to this post. I'm sorry for butting in, but you went back and spoke to someone who has provided you with a sense of continuity and comfort for over 10 years. It would make sense that you would return when you have gone through a trying time with your physical health. Try to be kinder to yourself. You've not committed a crime or harmed anybody.

Sometimes you do have to go back to see that it was right to leave.

thanks Lemon. that's a good point, at the end there. i'll keep reminding myself of that.

I got that quote from a Grey's Anatomy episode.