Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Day 10 of gym done.

Ha the story about getting passive aggressive emails was funny, not a good look for your brand.

(None of them were from me)

Dear T,
Is it that I wish you would say more? Or is it that I have trouble believing some of the things you *did* say? Maybe a mix of both?

I want to mean something to you--not just "I value you as a client", but "I value you." But I really don't think I can say that out loud. It makes me feel shame to even think it. And I really don't want you reiterating the nature of the relationship. I can certainly think of people I knew solely professionally (that I wouldn't consider friends) that I valued.

But I wonder if this is something important to talk about, not in terms of you specifically, but about the effect I want to have on others? Do I need others to value me that way in order for me to value myself, say? And how can I shift that script?

Love,
LT

If you thought my high libido talk was about you, it wasn't. Anyways though its back to normal now after getting back on the Prestiq the pharamacy was out of for a couple days. I don't know. I think its back to normal. Idk. It wasn't about my transference T either. I was having some strange thoughts though. This is a pretty tricky situation to be in honestly. Because like it could happen, but I'm not sure how it would play out. And I know we have been meeting for close to a year, but I'm not sure I want to spill it all.

I'm the only one in your life who doesn't get to meet and celebrate your baby.

If I’m shaking like a tweaker in session today, it’s because, well, I am a tweaker…
We need to discuss this kinda bull shyt today

My drinking over the past 36 hours is worse than it was before the programs. Lotta good forcing me into that did, eh?

Really wish I had gotten your voicemail saying it'd be a phone appointment before I had drove all. the. way. to the mental health center. I feel like I'm going to puke again.

Thanks for saying I'm not a hopeless case by the way. I still think I'm going to end up dying somehow from my lack of mental health but I'm ok with that if you're ok with that.

Oh L! I don't deserve you. What you said today means the world to me. Your trust is priceless. Seriously, thank you! This alone might get me through your leave. I love you, L!

Day 11 of gym done.

Who would have thought spending my money on myself on simple things like face masks, and actually eating out more often would help me feel better.

It beats sending you payments that were almost as much as my rent.

Dear T,
I had a realization of a parallel between you and my mom, based on something you said about her today, plus your joking about another topic later. I kind of want to share it with you, but I don't know if it will seem like I'm psychoanalyzing you. But it's more pointing out possible similarities between how you and my mother handle certain things, which could explain some elements of that form of transference. And why some enactments might be happening.

I'll ponder it between now and Monday. Along with the question you asked me, about what I'd feel if I got that one thing I wanted, what effect it would have on me. I've come up with a sort of answer to that, but am not totally sure. Hm--I also need to do writing on the memoir, so maybe I can figure it out through writing?

Love,
LT

Dr. S - well that was that. I'm glad you see this as an interruption rather than termination. And it felt genuine around you not being mad at me, your nods at me saying you caring about me, and you contacting me should you ever start practicing again. You did add the caveat that if you were practicing in a way I could see you. If the only reason I couldn't see you was geography, I would still want to be contacted. I didn't tell you that. I can't believe you are 'gone'. And I still want a mailed letter from you. BTW, what were you doing that you used my crayons/colored pencils? I'm not mad, I'm curious. It kind of feels weird to know you used them without me. yeah don't know what the feeling really is. Sorry I cried. - me

Hi L. So I've pretty much decided I'm going to call you on Tuesday afternoon after my procedure is over and I'm back home, assuming I feel up to it, or Wednesday morning if I don't. I need to talk to you and I hope you'll have time/space for me.

Dear T,

I think that one thing I want that we were talking about may actually be about my dad, not my mom. Still trying to figure out what exactly it would give me if I got it, but maybe I have one piece of the puzzle. How about you just give it to me and we'll find out?


Love,
LT

J (case manager),
Please tell me finding housing is going to be easier than I think it is. I don't give a flying fk where I am as long as I'm not here and as long as I'm not within an easy drive of my dad's.

Thanks for emailing me back last night and being ok with what I ate. You said food seems to be part anxiety and part eating disorder stuff but you weren't pushy. Today was better food wise but I might have been a bit heavy on the hot unsweetend tea and I'm kind of hungry now but also lazy to go make/ get food.

I could do with going to group tomorrow, but I've left it too late to sign up.

Now I have to wait until the beginning of November.

Not sure how I feel about the "new" dx. I mean, had it before even though you don't know it, it just kinda got lost for various reasons. I'm not that surprised though, you did kinda hint at it a few months ago.
--
I feel like J is on on-call right now. I wanna call. Kinda drunk. Feel like she'd IEA me though, such a stickler for the rules.

Right now I am very mad at you.

I told my mom I was just tired today and thats why I was lying down, but something was heavily on my mind all day that was getting my dysphoria going a lot and I just needed to lie down today to deal with it. I want to email you, but going into detail in email might be awkward.

I feel sad and for once it has absolulty nothing to do with my transference therapist or therapy in general. Idk. I just feel sad. I did email you. I don't know what you'll say.

Today had to be a forced rest day. I have learnt from all the times at the gym I have pushed too much too soon.

I’ve been starting my days with gratitude and whilst overall I have been happier. The truth is I still missed you and I wished we could talk. At times I have hated you and wanted revenge, but it was just replaced by hurt.

You did give up me.

I am not sure if I have done much healing yet.

I am worried about my 23 year old cousin who is sick and sad for him.

You probably do not want a message from me, so this is day 74 without you.

I know I shouldn't be wishing my life away but damn I wish it was tomorrow night and the hospital stuff was over with. I'm dealing with the anxiety okay I suppose but I still wish it was over with.

I would like to thank my whole ****ing treatment team for not telling me they changed the crisis line number.

i'm a dork. i've been imagining the upcoming conversation when i call you to try to schedule on each walk i've taken today. SUCH a dork. although i'm having trouble hearing your voice in my head these days, hmm.