Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Why do you always take a sip out of your non clear water bottle whenever we talk about something that annoys you? Like when you mention your husband or the possible covid wave.

I hate the fact that I'm the one left crying in tears, whilst you post about how great your hotel room is and that you spent £200+ on dinner.

I am confused by your response of 'that sounds final' to my statement of how you'll be gone (maybe gone for good). You are quitting. You have no clue for how long. You have no clue what your life or my life will be like if you ever open up a practice that I could go to. You have no clue where you'd be practicing at that time because you have no real plans to reopen. Maybe you have hopes/dreams. You won't tell me anything because you don't know.

When you rubbed at your eye, I wondered if that was due to a tear.

I want you to change your mind -- of course I do. And knowing me, given the amount of pain this has caused, I'd probably have some level of amnesia about it - to stay away from the pain and be just so damm happy that you are not leaving. 7 weeks - 14 sessions. A lifetime, no time at all. It's far enough out for you to reconsider or for me to consider/wish/dream that you will change your mind. It's now been almost 2 weeks since you told me. I know it wasn't a dream. It's real. This is really happening. I read the last few chapters of the Zoe letting go book. As long as I keep writing to you, you'll stay alive in my head and heart.

Tuesday, I need to sit where I can see everything. I need to face ... "our past?" Grieve the loss of future moments? both... something completely else that I don't understand? I couldn't do that yesterday - see the puzzles, see the bridge, the pillow.

I'm glad you loved the blanket. I'm glad I kept it and glad I was able to give it to you. I'm glad you still show excitement at the things I give you. And you said that you would keep the things I left with you. I doubted in my head the longevity of you keeping those things, it was nice to hear you say that they would be kept because they are a good thing of the time we spent together and not a burden. I still wonder how long legally you are required to keep something - if at all.

My missing of you is so strong today. It is a missing, not a longing. This is up there with one of the top 10 hard things to live through. I told someone else that you were quitting and I'd been seeing you for 8 years. The person said that would be like losing a family member. The person has no clue as to the type of therapy we've been doing or the frequency of my contact with you. And they still thought that after 8 yrs, it would be that hard.

I had a panic attack about food last night. Just because of the way a lot of foods have made me feel sick lately. And also the pizza incident the other night which caused me to be very sick all day on Friday. I only ate 3 slices by the way. So I googled fear of eating, and eating disorder stuff came up along with other things. I guess its worth a mention to you even though you'll have a field day with this information.

So glad that I see you tomorrow.

Plenty to talk about, but you know that already.

I think the 'plan' will have to wait.

Yeah, don't be surprised if I call you tomorrow...

...however, in the morning light, nope, not gonna do it.

I dislike my brain atm.

Thank you for your recommendation today.
Next time I'm out of my tree, I'm going to try an online sound bath.
I love that you understand me well enough to know that would be something I would enjoy.

Dear T,
I feel like the filter between my brain and mouth went on lunch break in the middle of our session. Perhaps it was my second cup of coffee this morning?

Sort of wish I hadn't mentioned the "male" and "spouse" parts of the seeking approval thing, but maybe it's important that we look at the full picture? I agree that the "approval" thing is sort of key here. And acceptance, but I suppose they're on the same spectrum. More to discuss later this week (and beyond).

At least I didn't ask the question about the glass fish, I suppose. Maybe it's better we don't talk about that.

Love,
LT

My mom was worried about the cancellation fee but it was only $15 more then my already low copay. I was ******* my guts out so yeah.... plus I did email you last week.

Navajo rabbit. I've been staring at this email for a good 30 minutes now, wherein I'm asking you for a one-off session. Why can't I press send?! Just because I told myself earlier that I wasn't gonna do it? How stupid is that?

...still trying to press send...

Ok Pdoc I paid you. The 2 emails and 2 texts you sent today seemed a bit excessive since you only sent me the bill 2 hours ago.

I sure appreciate your being able to schedule me this week. I promise I won't get all stupid-uncomfortable if any lengthy silence happens this time. I figured out what that was all about last time (almost 6 weeks ago already!), so I'm not really concerned about it happening again. I mean, me getting uncomfortable.

October has always been my favorite month. Something big has happened these last 3 Octobers. Theres even a song that goes "It started feeling like October."

So I feel like going back to in person sessions in October fits the pattern.

I feel petty, but I also changed my Spotify rating for your podcast from 5*s down to 2.

Dear T,
Hope you weren't annoyed by my email for scheduling--I just realized I had a time constraint for that day and wanted to make sure I could get something that worked for it. But it also isn't close/urgent enough that I'd want to bother you with a scheduling text. I sorta thought you'd reply tonight, as you usually do for scheduling, but I guess you'll just response in the morning like a normal email. All good. Again, just hope it wasn't annoying. And, if it was, then, I mean, whatever, I think that's on you!

Love,
LT

Ok, so I met with potential new T... let me tell you finding a new T is going to be very draining.

I know you have to go... but why.... oh why. This really sucks.

What a disturbing dream I had this morning. I hope there's other meaning behind it than my first instinct says. I'll share it with you tomorrow. I've been writing down a lot of dreams in the past 6 weeks and have been able to work with almost all of them, but man the one I had last weekend is still sticking with me and this morning's probably will for a while too so I'm sure we can find some time tomorrow to work with them a little. this morning's was very short - just one specific image, basically. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

My appointments are on Thursday, I get paid on Friday. Normally this wasn't a problem, but lately I'm living paycheck to paycheck so now it's a problem.

Dear T,
Thanks for accommodating me for that day. Not sure why I was concerned about your having not replied last night--maybe because I still feel a bit anxious regarding what I mentioned Monday? Even though you seemed fine about it yesterday...
Love,
LT

I am having a really bad day today. Bad dreams last night with you in them are leaving me feeling distress and thinking thoughts that are like 99% inaccurate, but I can't shut them up. Why does my brain/mind do this to me?

I'm looking forward to meeting with you since I have legit stuff to tell you and we can get our in person October sessions worked out.

The one thing you said you would never do is ghost me, yet here we are. You always said you would reply to a text or email within 24 hours. But a text on Tuesday no response, an email on Thursday and no response. And a text this morning and no response.
The last thing I wanted was a rupture before a three week break, but now it seems like I don’t even have a therapist at all anymore.
I would normally worry that something had happened to you but I can see you’ve been active on social media this morning so I know it’s just you choosing to cut contact.
I can’t believe you have done this. I thought you were different. But clearly I’m so toxic this is how any all therapeutic relationships are destined to end.

Well you finally text me back to confirm that you’re terminating me. I only have myself to blame. I always knew it would end this way but you promised it wouldn’t. You promised I wasn’t too much and that you wouldn’t abandon me. But you have. Two years of twice weekly therapy. All for what? For you to confirm exactly what I already knew, I’m too bad and toxic for anyone and everyone will always give up on me and walk away.
There isn’t words to describe this pain. And I don’t have the strength to feel it. SH urges and SI in overdrive and you don’t even care.