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#826
Oct 05, 2023, 06:51 PM
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I wrote out what I need to say tomorrow and I hope I have the courage to say it all.
I've kinda made a mess of things I suppose. |
 Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, unaluna
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#827
Oct 06, 2023, 04:41 AM
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That was a hell of a question yesterday.
Still trying to figure out what you meant, and kind of know what you meant at the same time...that's a difficult place to be. I want nothing more than to be able to speak his name in peace rather than anger...and yet if I 'let go' of everything he gave (that became tainted by the choice he made) then he's really gone...and that feels like something I'm even less capable of handling....
__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
| ArtieTheSequal, Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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#828
Oct 06, 2023, 05:30 AM
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Expect me to be a sweaty, shaky beyotch today. Bringing me to the hospital would be the icing on the cake because we're celebrating a thing tonight we were supposed to celebrate last time I detoxed, but pushed off because, well, I was a little busy eating Ativans. Although I don't expect you to bring me to the hospital because I haven't done anything that could kill me or anyone else in almost a whole day so I'm better now.
__________________
[Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here] |
| AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, Elio, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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#829
Oct 06, 2023, 12:02 PM
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holy crap i'm nervous. 3 hours til i see you again.
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, unaluna
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#830
Oct 06, 2023, 02:55 PM
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Dear T,
Still feeling OK about today's session, even though it was a lot. I do think that was an important insight about why I can continue with you, but couldn't with ex-MC. I'm glad you're willing to keep talking about these things with me. This little part of me wishes you would have just lied about accepting it. But like you said, if the truth came out, then it would have really hurt. You seemed emotional when I said, "I had the thought of , 'Why can't you just give this to me?'" Maybe you're finally comprehending how this has affected me? And feeling sad for causing me pain? Or maybe not that even, but just empathizing with my pain? Which I think is what I really need--the empathy and understanding (not your guilt or anything like that). Love, LT |
| ArtieTheSequal, Elio
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#831
Oct 06, 2023, 04:13 PM
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L, I hate you.
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#832
Oct 06, 2023, 04:46 PM
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Why indeed (was I nervous)? Because, I knew half of today would be about what I didn't want to talk about and have been avoiding by continuing to run away, that's why!! But, thanks for bein' an *** kicker and makin' me talk about it anyway.
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| AliceKate, Elio, LonesomeTonight
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#833
Oct 06, 2023, 04:46 PM
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Dear T,
I sort of wish I could talk to you for a bit. I don't know what I'd say in an email though? I'm not even entirely sure what I'm feeling, sort of a mix of things. Not even bad things, necessarily. Just stuff I wish I could talk through. But I suppose we can do that Monday. Suppose I could try writing about it, like for the memoir, as I need to do that anyway! And maybe I'll email at some point. Need to figure out what to say first, I suppose. But maybe I'll just write it for me (and maybe my memoir instructor). Or post it here. Love, LT |
| ArtieTheSequal, Elio
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#834
Oct 06, 2023, 04:51 PM
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...and holy crap if I actually DO any of your suggestions.
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| LonesomeTonight
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#835
Oct 06, 2023, 05:36 PM
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October 8th 2021 - the last time I ever actually spoke to J. She died four months later. Two years. No time at all, yet also a lifetime ago. I never thought I would still miss her this much. Processing J's loss further with you is tricky, as we are going through our own difficult stuff at the moment. It's too much to deal with. I need to find a way to manage it.
Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk
__________________
To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
| ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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#836
Oct 06, 2023, 05:44 PM
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Quote:
 
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 AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight
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#837
Oct 06, 2023, 05:52 PM
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I didn't say this to you today, but I really do wonder how you have managed to put up with me for so long. Although you did mention today that it's almost been 12 years since we started doing this and that we've been talking about my marriage off and on for most of that time. I know, I know, believe me, I know. But I still don't know how to just make that decision and not look back. My problem with decision-making is, I ALWAYS look back. I've never known how to just make a decision and run with it. I second, third, quadruple, quintuple, etc guess myself to death over every.single.decision. regardless of the size of it and this particular one would be enormous.
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| LonesomeTonight
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#838
Oct 06, 2023, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
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| unaluna
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| unaluna
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#839
Oct 06, 2023, 06:47 PM
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Quote:
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| ArtieTheSequal
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#840
Oct 06, 2023, 06:57 PM
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Quote:
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#842
Oct 07, 2023, 10:01 AM
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okay, so I see what I did. I tricked myself into coming in, by convincing myself the bogus reason was necessary and the only one. Well, whatever got me back in the door I suppose. I know my defenses were way up yesterday.
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, unaluna
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#843
Oct 07, 2023, 11:04 AM
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I feel like you're sick of me. Just the way you asked why I come in.
Well, too ****ing bad. You only deal with me an hour a week, maybe a little more with notes n ****, but I deal with me 24/7 don't you think I'm sick of me too????? You've only become a bytch to me since the rehab dx'd me with BPD and you and Dr. P agreed.
__________________
[Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here] Last edited by MuddyBoots; Oct 07, 2023 at 12:35 PM. |
| Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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#844
Oct 07, 2023, 12:40 PM
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Doing some more thinking. You are right, of course. I haven't "turned it over". It seems that what I have done instead is re-written that step in my head to add "...and then continue to take it back and beat myself up with my failure on a regular basis because I’m not worthy of the letting go.”
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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#845
Oct 07, 2023, 02:08 PM
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...and yes; here we are.
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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#846
Oct 07, 2023, 03:59 PM
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& oh yeah L: I really appreciate your explanation. I wish you would have explained it that way ****ing 12 years ago, but whatever. I'll take it now, and let it be enough.
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| Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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#848
Oct 08, 2023, 01:01 PM
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It's an odd feeling but after almost 17+ years of struggling with depression, pretty much since I was 14 . I actually no longer feel like I am depressed.
Maybe it's just early days. I do get tired, but it doesn't feel like I have the same heaviness. Day 18 of gym.
__________________
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| AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, unaluna
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#849
Oct 08, 2023, 03:26 PM
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Trying to hang on to the fact that you didn't ask me to 'let go' of what Steve inspired in me/gave me...but simply asked me how it would feel.
The answer?
Possible trigger:
__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
| Elio, LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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#850
Oct 08, 2023, 07:32 PM
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12 more sessions... 5 weeks.
If only I could shrink myself to be small enough. 
__________________
"Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
| ArtieTheSequal, Elio, LonesomeTonight
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