Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Artie, i couldnt take a last banana or cookie or anything either

(deleted that last post - depressed much, Artie?! Sheesh.)

Thank you for being so perceptive.

Thank you for today, L. I will cherish this memory forever! Thank you for trusting me with this gift you gave me. And the gift you gave me last week, too! I will always remember them. It meant so so much to me to be included. No one has ever included me in their pregnancy. I love you, L!

G, I don't want to see you or talk to you. I'd rather go it on my own. You are not my therapist and never will be. I think I should have chosen J to be my interim therapist. I don't even know what to talk to you about. I'm not sure we have anything in common. And there's nothing I want to work on with you. I do not like you, G. Please remember your place in all of this. And don't take my dislike of you personally. I don't even know you! I don't want to know you. Just be a good emergency contact for 3 months, okay? Otherwise, I will go it on my own.

Given everything that’s going on in the world- I didn’t feel like I have the right to complain about missing you.

It’s officially been 3 months without you and I removed the counter tab I had running for you yesterday.

Scarlet, hope it's OK to reply here. Is it still an option to choose to work with J instead?

It's too late. We'd have to get insurance to approve J instead.

Ah, OK. Sorry about that. I hope G works out for you then.

Today is 3 weeks. I'm not so sure if emailing you would do more harm than good at this point.

In this moment I hate you and I still hope that some how this will miraculously change to where you will contact me and say you found a way to keep seeing me. Fantasy, I know. I'll be surprised if you ever contact me and say you are available to see me again.

I know it was kinda weird of me to do the session yesterday lying in my bed. But I only had 2 options. My bed. Or the car. My niece was over. The painter was all over the house. It was kinda a crap show in my house yesterday.

I do hope you forget about those candle things you said you were going to bring me. Accepting something from a therapist is a bit too much for me. Clients have boundaries too. I told you I had a ton anyways.

Dear T,
Wish I could talk to you. I feel I messed up that conversation with H. I know I could email, but I don't think it's at that level of being worthy of bothering you on a Friday night/Saturday morning. (A year ago, I definitely would have emailed--maybe even more recently.) Guess we'll just talk about it Monday.

Weird question, but I wonder how the conversation would have gone if your wife had said what I said to H to you? How would you have reacted? Just curious. Like your suggestions were probably tailored to how *you* would have received it. Rather than how my H would. Or maybe I just did it all wrong, which is fairly likely. Joking about the one thing first probably didn't help...

Also, I'm glad you liked the small piece of my writing I shared (though it was awkward reading it out loud!)--and that you told me you wouldn't lie and say it was good if you didn't genuinely think that. Hope my instructor thinks that, too!

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I popped in to the Cathedral this morning to replace a postcard that I bought last week and managed to damage in the process of getting it home.

They have a spectacular art installation at the moment...and it was good to get a second chance to see it.

It just so happened that Alan was there. I appreciated the chance to speak with him again, as I hadn't seen him since last December, when the hug happened.

He was very kind.

Unfortunately, 'How's life?' doesn't leave a lot of room for 'How's grief?'

Made me wish I hadn't done what I did all over again.

See you Thursday,

Lost

Pay for a session with you or buy a Ralph Lauren jumper and have money left over?

I wish I had ended things the first time in May, instead of starting up then ending abruptly in July.

My PT said these exact words to me today "you are not where you should be at physically at your age"

So maybe just shut up about eating disorders and healthy at any size when we meet on Thursday?

Also you do know theres a difference between disordered eating and not eating something because it makes you feel sick? Which is why I didn't eat the pizza tonight.

Just shut it in general right now.

I did not spend crazy amounts on the jumper or a session with you in the end. Placed an order for groceries for my kid sister.

Why do these people think caffeine is necessary for me? My Pdoc who gives me 5mil of valium 3x a day asked if the caffeine thing was permenant. I get I can be a bit of a zombie without any, but still.

Plus I gave it up for GI issues. Not anxiety. The last time I had coffee I threw up

I can do some caffeine but not a lot.

I've been in such a weird place most of this month. I think I'm finally coming out of it, thank goodness.

Feeling groundless since this morning.
Can't have the conversation that I need to have with you if we're meeting virtually tomorrow.


Least there's something to be said for the fact that it won't 'go away'.

I didn't know that deep grief could feel like a physical workout.

L - Less than 2 weeks and 5 sessions max.

G - We have 15 sessions together...

So you are retiring. You disappointing moron, from start to finish.

Dear T,

That discussion about ex-MC today was very helpful, particularly the "kitchen sink" thing. I wonder whether your perspective on some of that is a result of knowing me much longer now and also having been on the ex-MC side of my reactions to things? And also on the receiving end of "I love you"?

I'm thankful you didn't "kitchen sink" me after that. I think you knew better than to do that. It's not your style. You express things as they happen, rather than letting them build into a pile of grievances or regrets or discomforts (like ex-MC probably saying certain things were "OK" when they actually weren't).

Another thing that I definitely can't ask you--well, you sort of answered the first part, I suppose, in even mentioning it and using that phrasing: Do you also see me as a "powerful force"? Is that why talking about certain things are "risky"?

Love,
LT

Why did you call me your patient in your email? You technically said "with all my patients..."

What happened to calling them clients?

Maybe I'm just being petty. But I did find it weird.

I figured you'd cancel today. I just had a gut feeling. I could always tell when my transference T was going to cancel. I was watching TV at 6AM and I was refreshing my email every 10 minutes until the email came in that I was expecting. You said you'd get back to me about another in person time. You seemed a bit alarmed that you weren't seeing me today. Why is everyone so worried about me?