Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

For the first time in almost 17 years (I’m 31,) I don't feel depressed and I'm grateful. Think our sudden ending helped me to see my own strength. As Gleb Vaganov says "She trembles like a flower, but in her there's a power".

I still feel like I would like a follow up appointment though.Not enough to message you yet though.

Sorry if you thought I was stareing at you when we stood up to leave. You do this thing where you stand a certain way to avoid me looking at you unless I turn around. Idk if you do it on purpose or not.

Sometimes I get the sense you look at me too. Kinda wondering how I looked before with my humongus chest or something. You do often comment that you like my shirts or hoodies.

Dr S. - It will be 2 weeks today since I last talked to you/seen you. I wrote a long update email yesterday in preparation for when test results come back. I don't think I will send that email. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss having your support. Even if you see it as your job or how you preform you job. I miss having someone in my life fulfilling the role you fulfilled. I'm not sure that role has an accurate name - I don't think therapist is it. I've had several therapist and not a one a filled the role as widely/thoroughly as you have. Been willing to take on the various hats depending on who showed up.

I wonder if you have moved out of your office yet.

Dear T,
I know you sort of dismissed my sharing concern for you regarding what's going on in the world.


Love you,
LT

Dear ex-MC,

Thinking of you and your family, too.

--LT

4 more weeks and 10 more sessions.

It's hard to sit with these feelings towards my friend who I admired.



I know it's OK to have these feelings, I know I'm encouraged to share them with you...but that doesn't stop me wishing I didn't have them.

Dr. S - I am really struggling with the thoughts of things being my fault. I guess it's bargaining - thoughts of being sorry for doing X or promising not to do Y if only you were back. I know what happened is not my fault. I miss you.

Hey Hey Hey

Four more sleeps, I think.

Thankfully I have to be Professional Lost for part of the next three days, so...that's something to focus on.

I wish you would have picked up the phone last night especially since you were there... Just because I have anxieties about you picking up, doesn't mean don't pick up. Now you made me wait for today. The problems aren't happening now. They were happening last night! And a broken heat emoji isn't enough to express that pain. You could have actually acknowledged it.

Dear T,
I realized that my anxiety level decreased greatly after I shared my concerns about your being safe on Friday, with what was going on in the world. Did you notice that, too? Maybe it was partly that I needed to get that out and have you not react poorly. Thanks for being accepting. I think talking about all that (the bigger picture, too) helped. And you're right that I need to be reading less, as it's affecting me so much. I'll do my best with that.
Love,
LT

My anxiety is SO high today. I don't understand it. I was feeling better about stuff yesterday. I've already walked before work, on break, and on lunch today and it isn't helping. I kinda feel like I'm gonna pass out, like I can't get enough air or something. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't feel good. Actually I'm sure it has to do with waiting for call backs from the hematologist and the gyno and not getting them. I know they're busy and I'm one of thousands. I need to learn how to chill the **** out. I don't feel good.

24th gym session done.

'Digging up the root of my confusion
If no one planted it, how does it grow?
Why are some hell bent upon there being an answer
While some are quite content to answer 'I don't know...'


Curse Your Branches - David Bazan

It's funny how the meaning of certain songs changes over time.
This one's gone deeper since June 2021...like so many other things.

I need to be able to trust you to hold the anger I still feel towards Steve...and dispose of it safely.

Hey L well I heard back from the gyno and I made an appointment to talk more about this after I've consulted with the hematologist and the other place. I wish the other 2 would call me back! Boo! My anxiety is still high but has lessened a little bit now that I know I have the appointment to talk more and she understands that I don't want to rush this, a little bit but still high. Ugh.

My sister doesn't understand where all of my anxiety is coming from about this.... she said if it were her she'd just do it. I'm not sure where all of it is coming from either. Except, I just don't want any of this but it's happening regardless just like the thing in June, I accepted that, how come I'm so ****ing anxious over this?!

Well, since you removed the last session, 3 weeks and 8 sessions.

Dear T,

I will not click on the headlines. I will not click on the headlines. It is taking a great deal of resolve, but I haven't given in.

Love,
LT

Being Professional Lost is hard when seemingly innocuous things catapult me into grief space while I'm working.


Even with permission (nay, encouragement) from J to remove myself and take time to breathe when something impacts me.


It was only a riddle in a poem, but when my colleague said the answer out loud, I found myself free falling.

These last 2 days I've missed my transference T. A lot. I've been having the achy feelings. The regret of not having proper closure. Idk. Like I feel things are going very well with you But I don't think this will ever get easier. My move and leaving her and everything. It still hurts a ton 2.5 years later.

I'm so glad you mentioned that assertiveness training might be helpful for me a couple times back. This class I found that I started today, I think is going to be helpful. As I told you, I plan to start practicing with H as soon as I learn some stuff. He's out playing golf today, but... this evening after I've read some more of the material.

I also got a call from the naturopath yesterday - did a quick phone consult and they said they wouldn't be able to help me with this particular issue.

But that's okay. I feel like I'm taking action - with the class, and with requesting that consult even though they can't help me. Taking action is good. It reduces my anxiety a little. I still don't want The Thing, but I'm not goin' down without exploring my options. I have a message in to the hematologist too, but they haven't called me back yet. That might take a few days as I know the oncology patients are higher priority, as they should be. I can wait a little; I don't want to rush into getting The Thing anyway.

I don't know what nightmare is good. Unless you are thinking of that song or album title by Taylor Swift or someone called Beautiful Nightmares. Which still probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

You would probably be annoyed if I didn't switch to virtual and came into the office coughing and sniveling with a sore throat and stuff instead. Maybe you will switch first.

Its a cold.... Yet you switched my session to virtual anyways. I have a worker in the house. I'll have to do the session in the car.

I swear therapists freak out about anything sick related.

Maybe you're right. maybe i really deep down inside still don't think i'm worthy of anything good. i just watched myself in an interaction with h where he was being kind and offering me the last banana and i could not just say thank you and it almost became an argument. Over a BANANA.

I am so ****ed up and don't understand why after all these years of therapy I still ****ing hate myself at my core.