Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

I feel very strongly about this sort of thing. She offered - your only part in this is to accept or not accept. It is not your job or even your place to do more than that. I know you think you mean it from a good place -but I think that is not usually true (I am not saying this conscious necessarily) -but for people who always question an offeror and try to take care of the offeror by declining the offer - it is often for control (again possibly not conscious) and fear of responsibility of accepting. This is not at you personally in any way -but it drives me crazy when people decide for me/anyone else that what I/they have offered is not what I mean for any number of reasons. First it is very presumptuous - like the offerer does not know their own mind or incapable of taking care of themselves. Second it is a waste of emotional energy and based on incomplete information. Third, it is an easy way of not taking responsibility for a decision because the person can deflect into - I was just trying to be nice by not taking what you offered. There are more but these are the main ones to me.

Thanks SD. I think I got in the habit of "taking care" of Ex-T. Who truly did seem to need help. But I am trying to be cognizant of my tendency to do that with this T as I don't want to end up with the same mistakes as before. I've never had a T actually take vacation and still do sessions so this is sort of weird. Especially as we meet virtually on Doxy.me. What was the point of telling me she would be on vacation if she intended to still do sessions? That just seems odd. It seems like information I do not need to know. So my plan is to just do the sessions and not worry about it. My red flags are easily triggered now since ex-T with trying to figure out what is normal in a T relationship and what isn't. Boy that woman really messed up my head.

The second one I hired did some appts when she was on vacation. All therapists probably need help in their real life. In their professional life, it is simply not the client's problem even if it is obvious that they do need help. Perhaps it would help to remember the reason you pay them is for them to put their needs aside and focus on you for 50 minutes. You pay them for that - they are not doing you a favor.

These might be good things to talk about with her. There is probably a lot to unpack there for you. My T has done working vacations and non-working vacations, depending on the circumstances of the trip and whether she has already taken a lot of time off lately. Your T gets to decide that sort of thing for herself. She may have just told you because she knows you'll see her in a different place?

Kit, I agree that it's completely fine to still do sessions with her when she's away because she offered. My T allows email when he's on vacation and will reply in the mornings. And he's said he wouldn't offer it if he wasn't OK with it. (And if he ever offered me a session while he's away, I'd feel OK taking it.)

If it helps, I'm freelance and typically do some work while on vacation, too. If I don't work, I don't get paid. And, well, honestly, it gives me an excuse to take some time to myself, like, "Need to go do some work for a bit."

I imagine she told you she'd be on vacation because she'll be meeting from another location? Just a guess.

Quite possibly. She is going to Ohio. We live in California. Her brother is turning 50 and it's some big surprise do. Although not sure why I needed to know that stuff, but like I said earlier I was quiet this week in session and she just sort of filled the space.

L does stay-cations and vacations. She usually can provide me with the same level of support as normal during a stay-cation. Vacation: it depends.

I know it's hard to trust after your last T, AND people are responsible for their own boundaries. It's not your job to take care of them. I tried to take care of L during her last two leaves. It made her feel like I didn't trust her to hold her own boundaries or the commitments she makes. Ouch! AND it was a good lesson. Thankfully, we worked it out and we now understand each other.

Do bring this up with your T. Reassurances are okay and even healthy.

I'm at 42.5 hrs of quitting smoking. Some moments I'm fine. Others, I feel like I'm going to die. The boredom is the worst. I can't focus on my diet or exercise right now. I need to get this non-smoking to a manageable level before I can start working on the rest.

That's awesome, Scarlet! I'm sorry it's such a struggle. So hugs for that. Did you just do cold turkey, or are you using anything like nicotine gum, the patch, vaping, etc.? It's OK if you need something else to help support you through it.

For the boredom, could you figure out something else that you want to do to take up that time maybe?

Thanks for the hugs, LT!
I'm using the patch. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but I'm kind of frozen. I've been trying to clean, window shop, eat , sleep. I wish I had something creative to do. Well, I will tonight when I get some supplies. It's just hard.

That's great! Quitting is hard, but it's so worth it. Think of all the money you'll save. For every pack you don't buy, put that money somewhere just for you and buy yourself something nice with it.

Session today got cancelled. He was going to bring his dog. I may be more upset about not seeing the dog. Kind of bad timing because of what happened last weekend. Oh well. I think he wants to call me at some point tonight for a quick chat.

Ugh, I'm sorry, NP. Did he give a reason? I get wanting to meet his dog, too! Hope you can talk to him tonight. Hugs, if wanted.

That's so great, Scarlet!! Finding something creative to do to occupy your mind is a good idea, I hope once you get your supplies in, that it helps. Crocheting is helpful for me when I'm trying not to snack in the evenings - it both occupies my hands/mind, and I want to keep the yarn clean! Which reminds me it's time to start a new afghan since I finished the last one.

Hit 500 dashes today, hopefully many more to come.

Yeah, he dropped his dog off at the vet this morning and they still hadn't seen her this afternoon and with traffic he wouldn't be able to get to his office for our session and pick his dog up before they closed. I get it. Stuff happens. Doesn't mean I'm not disappointed. Certainly not going to tell him that though in light of our last email snafu.

That's great!

I went to the pain management clinic today about my feet. The only option (besides surgery) is an injection in my feet with my own blood plasma/platelets, which supposedly speeds healing. I heard they hurt like a ******, but I suppose it is better than surgery. I don't know much about it, so I think I need to go back and find out more info. I just wish they had access to my MRI results. Of course it is not covered by insurance, and is $665 per shot. I most likely will need more than one round of shots. The projected cost of my MRI will be $730. I have been out of work for 5 weeks, not paid.

I am at the end of my rope. Nothing has helped. My only options now are scary,, and I am not sure I will be able to keep my job, which I love. I am pretty sure my boss absolutely hates me. She has not responded to one email I've been writing her and HR to keep them updated. If I need surgery, the earliest is May 15. So if I do that, I have to work in severe pain until then, and then lose my job. It is 4 weeks off my feet, and 4-6 weeks in a boot. My FMLA runs out in a week and a half. HR said that if I needed surgery, they will have to hire someone in my place as my job isn't protected anymore.

This is all too much to bear.

I don’t know the details of your symptoms, but have they considered CRPS (Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome)? I strongly suggest you get to an excellent pain specialist who deals with CRPS and other neurological pain syndromes. Do not do anything invasive to your foot if nerve damage is suspected. Additionally, ice is not helpful and possibly harmful for nerve syndromes.

I don’t mean to scare you, but I do want to caution you. My husband suffered from CRPS that started in his right foot. He was experimented on over the 35 years with the disorder and mistakes were made (due to simply poor knowledge of his condition when he was diagnosed).

Find a pain specialist. Surgeons and neurologists are quick to want to cut; unfortunately, surgery can cause more damage if the problem is neurological and not carefully diagnosed and managed. My husband’s pain management physician was an anesthesiologist with a sub-specialty in interventional pain medicine. Do your research. Be sure you get an actual diagnosis so they aren’t just guessing. Get multiple opinions. It can take time to go through all of the testing and elimination to arrive at a diagnosis for pain issues. It’s not like they can do a blood test, and neurological damage is tricky to diagnose.

I’m so, so sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you find some answers so they can figure out how best to help you.

Earlier today I hit a curb while driving, initially I didn't think it was that bad since I had hit a few curbs recently and nothing big happened. At first my low pressure light didn't go on so I thought it was OK but later on when I was going to get dinner the light came on, fortunately it was near the auto shop where I live so I was able to drive it over there and leave it there for them to look at.

Thank you for this. I have never heard of that diagnosis. The doctor I saw today at the pain management clinic said she didn't think it was nerve related, as she gave me an option of a nerve block. But I don't know how you tell if it is or not.

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this, Velcro, with both the pain and the financial concerns. That sounds really expensive for the MRI--is it not covered by insurance, or is this because, say, you haven't met your deductible this year? And have you gotten the MRI results from the other doctor yet? Getting more info on the shot before going for it makes sense, especially at that cost.

Another day, another phone call that I didn't make.

I've promised myself that I will contact the woman from the local suicide loss support group on Monday.

My latest email exchange with R only served to transfer my confusion to her, I think...

Frustrating, because I'm the one who has to live with it long-term.

Taking the pressure off myself doesn't come naturally to me in the slightest.

Hugs, Lost. You can just plan to call on Monday, or whenever you're ready.

The auto center got back to me and told me that right now I only need the one tire replaced but recommended I come back in the next month or so to get the rest of the tires replaced.