Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

In the latest instalment of 'Am I Overthinking This'...

An American forum specifically for people affected by suicide loss is holding a Zoom gathering tomorrow night, but their sign up form asks for a phone number.

That seems...odd to me.

Are they maybe sending the link to the number? If not, could you just give a fake number? Maybe message the person running it and ask?

I would if it wasn't so close to the end of the sign up period...only about an hour to go.

That sounds right to me. Most of the suicide support organizations I have encountered do require some sort of brief phone screening before allowing people to join their groups or gatherings (even Zoom gatherings). That is probably the purpose of requesting a phone number.

Thanks, Inky.

Unfortunately that makes it a no-go for me.
I'll have to see whether I can summon the wherewithal to contact my local organisation on Monday.

Not sure how I feel about my last session earlier today with Dr. T before he's away for 10 days (or 9, depending upon how you count them--I'll see him again a week from Monday).

I wanted it to be more of a connected session, and he'd mentioned recently how he could share his notes from my first session. We did that, and it was OK. But mostly clinical stuff, and it led to discussions about my parents, transference, and his comment on how I was looking to teachers, then therapists to meet certain needs, but that they're by the nature of their roles boundaried. And limited in what they can give me. Suggesting that maybe I sought them out for that reason, the boundaries. And I was like, "I mean, it's not like I could find another parent."

I brought up how I wondered if there were reenactments at times between us. He said there are times when it feels like I'm pushing him into the role of "critical parent." I said maybe it would help if he could point that out when it feels I'm doing that, and he said it would probably feel bad for me at the time if he did that. How it's probably better for a discussion later.

Also didn't help when at the end, I was like, "So I guess you won't tell me anything about where you're going or how you're getting there, like driving vs. flying?" He replied, "Nope!" And added "Or swimming or boating." Me: "Or ziplining?" Dr. T: "That would be interesting." I feel like my release of the handshake was sort of awkward, but he seemed fine about it. I said, "I hope you have safe travels and a good vacation," and he said, "Thanks! I appreciate that. Take care." Me; "You too."

I will see R (his regular backup) next week, Monday and Friday, so that will be good--haven't seen her since a session in December to help process a thing with Dr. T.

Trigger re: suicide

Feel free to PM me, though don't know how helpful I'll be, as I struggle with it.

Thanks LT - incoming!

I love attachment! Hook me up

Incoming!

You could message me too.

There's also a few videos on youtube which shows the differences in babies and how they react when left alone and reunited with their caregiver.

Artie, you can PM me too if you'd like. I always fear that I don't know if I'll have much to offer, but I can always offer my support!

Try to be easier on yourself. You've got a lot going on. Perhaps you could email the support group if that might be easier instead of the phone call?

RE: chocolate the pieces are supposed to represent the unequal nature of the industry. I started shopping in Lidl and love it lol., so haven't had Tony's in a while. If you have an Aldi their Hazelnit heaven was always really good. Remember it used to be 59p when it first came out. Then it went to 79p. No idea what the price of it now is.

Thanks, Cake.

I could email, but my concern is that I'm not sure who I'd reach.
The advantage of the phone call is that I've already spoken to the person who holds their phone.

She knows a small amount of my experience, but seemed to understand a lot more.
As I turned to leave, I was pulled into a hug that felt like 'For everything you've said, and everything that you couldn't say right now...'

I'll check out the chocolate situation the next time I'm in Aldi - thanks!

So after my last session I did email Fin telling him that I was no longer coming to sessions. Maybe I wanted a reaction.

I don't know how to let him get closer to me., and I'm feeling a lot of resistance towards him. My instinct is to just run. It just feels very uncomfortable..

It fits my push- pull pattern. He's also said he feels like I'm testing him incrementally and that I can feel distant.

If I'm being honest I just fear that he will hurt me and I don't trust him yet even after 9 months .

Mornin' couch. H & I went to breakfast this morning cuz he found another restaurant that has whole-grain pancakes that he is allowed to eat on his liver diet, with no butter & sugar-free syrup of course. He's logged into work now and waiting for a job to come through. I'm just enjoying having another 2-day weekend, since our overtime ended, because I am scheduled for live chat next week which I rather abhor, but alas it is part of the job and thankfully I have to do it only one week a month (on a rotating schedule).

Hugs/headnods all around as needed/wanted/appropriate.

I think seeing a back up T would be really good for you LT! just to get another perspective on things with Dr T. I might be confusing posters but Is she the same T you thought of switching to previously?

What other progress do you think you've made with him?

The pancakes sound lovely. It's great you can also rest artie, but how is the Hawaii fund coming along?

Lemon honey thats what you used to do with Rob. I used to try that with my t's, but boy they shut it down real fast. I guess i'm a wimp!

Hugs, Lemon. I understand the push/pull thing as I did it with L for a very long time. All the many times I 'quit' only to go back after a few weeks. It was a major pattern for me in the past. Have you talked about that at all with him, the push/pull and the fear that he'll hurt you? I don't know if it would be helpful or not, of course; just wondering.

I hope that if he's been helpful for you that instead of hard-stopping maybe you can call it a break just to assimilate or whatever and then go back even if it's just briefly to talk about the resistance and push/pull stuff to see if you can continue anyway and let it just be what it is. It's so hard, I mean it took me a whole year away before I was ready to really start working on it and to get totally honest with myself about some things.

And really, in the grand scheme of things, 9 months isn't all that long as far as the depth of trust this work can take. I saw L for over 10 years and still didn't have enough trust to tell her some of the stuff I've told her in the past couple of weeks. I think perhaps, that may be just the way it is and I'm finally accepting that.

I used part of it to buy my plane tickets to go visit my sister in May. But I'm still adding to it a little with every paycheck even without doing overtime. I'm determined that I am going to go at some point!

Hey, nobody calls una a wimp on my watch!!

You're not a wimp lovely. I've been thinking about Rob today too and I know it was a lot worse with him.

This is the first time I've done the "I'm not coming" with Fin in 9 months since I started working with him. Progress lol?

YAYYY!

I'm so happy to hear that! What year are you looking at approximately?