Couch 246: Choose Change

ok that pic makes it look totally lopsided. Both halves were the same size when I sewed them together. How odd; a photographer I am not!

Is he still around? Is this his only job now? Dint he do something bad and get fired?

Eta - love the accent color artie!

He’s doing football now. Moved on from baseball, I think, praise be.

My mother and grandmother were huge fans of baseball - we heard his father (who was a decent announcer) all the time

That looks great, Artie!

I wish he'd move on from football!

assertiveness course is going well. yesterday morning h was just laying around watching tv and I had a load of towels i took out of the drier on my break but i had to get back to work so I got in a little practice and assertively asked him to please fold and put them away.

and he actually did!

Nice, Artie! I've been told by L that people want to be helpful to us, they just often times don't know how. L always tells me how helpful it is when I tell her exactly what I need or want.

With H, I make a big deal every time he does something for me and I always tell him it's the little things that make a difference. So, for example, when he puts his towel away after a shower, I praise him. Or maybe I'll ask him to get my insulin shot at night for me. I'll point out how helpful that is.

My problem is the nagging... I am constantly complaining about what he doesn't do instead of just asking him to do it. Baby steps!

Oh, and pick your battles. Sometimes certain things just aren't worth the effort. Like laundry. I finally stopped nagging him about leaving his clothes inside out. It's not worth it to either of us to harp on it.

My solution to that problem was to just wash and put away inside out.

Some clothes will turn themselves in the wash. Also if they are inside out, the stinky parts get washed better, and the colored fashion parts get destroyed less. A freudian and a mechanical reason for everything!

My solution would be to let them do their own laundry or at best to wash and dry the way they left it and let them deal with folding or putting away. Don't care more than they do is important I think

I do that with my dad's clothes: wash them but put them back into the hamper. I don't go into dad's room anymore because it is such a mess, so I don't care what he does with his stuff. But I have ocd personality, and like things organized and in its place. So I need to put away H's clothes right for the sake of my sanity.

I can't understand any adult wanting someone else to do their laundry or other basic life/self-care task on their behalf. I would find it supremely frustrating and infantilising. Men babies are the worst. Don't people want control over these (albeit minor) aspects of their life? I mean, if someone is significantly disabled and unable to complete such tasks, that is different, but even then independence is usually a hard fought for goal. Aren't dependent men embarrassed to be so seemingly incapable?

It's weaponised incompetence.

Do it so badly on purpose, so they are not asked again. Their partner gets frustrated about it not being done and decides it's easier to just do it then to nag about getting it done.

I would not put up with that. I expect 50% of housework to be shared.

When I stayed with my sister she did all the cooking x3. I took care of the cleaning and shopping. It worked for us because I don't cook.

Absolutely. It is definitely more than laziness/unawareness. There are controlling and domination factors at play which, when combined with the "helplessness", make for a very creepy way in life.

It's funny I almost always enjoy doing laundry. Especially folding towels, when they're nice and warm from the drier, so it really was an effort on my part to delegate that this morning... I just didn't have time, and needed to practice being assertive. I can't leave a basket of clean towels out anywhere or Miss Penelope will make a 'nest' in it!

On the other hand, I abhor emptying the dishwasher (I don't know why this is) so H does that most of the time, unless he's having one of his spells that is (yeah, I'ma start calling them that) and I load it; I don't mind doing that.

Now if we could just come up with some kind of compromise on cooking...

It's finished! And perfect for my walk this chilly evening. Had to color over my face so I don't have to worry about coming back and deleting pic. Now, on to trying my first virus shawl!

Three days a week for each person + eat out on the 6th day?

If someone cooked for me. I would wash the dishes.

P.s the cardigan looks fab! Well done Art!

I also don't mind doing laundry, though I'm awful at folding anything. I'm not a fan of loading the dishwasher if anything has sat in the sink at all (contamination OCD!), but I'm fine with unloading it. I'm mostly on duty for both lately because H has what may be a hernia (could be inguinal or sports one), so bending over is painful for him.

He's getting evaluated this morning after having a negative CT scan, then insurance denial for an MRI order by primary care doctor, then trouble getting an appointment with someone who's willing to evaluate him for that (including a place that lists itself as a hernia center!) His original appointment was for late November, but there was a last-minute cancellation, so he's there now. Hoping if he needs surgery we could possibly get it before the end of the year--we're at our out-of-pocket max for insurance for the year, so it would be free. Plus he's in pain (this has been an issue for a couple months).

Oh, and in random/amusing T dreams last night: For some reason, Dr. T was dating this girl I was friends with in middle school, though I think she was an adult in the dream. (I haven't talked to her in years, and I'm not Facebook friends with her, so no idea why she was in my head.) We were all in an elevator together, and the girl, Heather, said to Dr. T, "I'm going to want you to shave off your beard." And Dr. T said, "But I've always dreamed of having a beard." I reached out and lightly touched his back, like to show that I understood. I don't recall anything else from the dream.

Not sure what that was about! (He's had a beard since I've known him, incidentally.)

How did you feel about Dr T dating someone approx also your age?

Their dating, but it's YOU physically connecting with him and getting it.

That's a good question! In the dream, I felt like, "I understand you--I'd let you keep the beard!" (Granted, I'm also married to someone with a beard, so clearly I'm OK with them!) So, jealous in a way, wondering why he'd pick her instead of me. He did mention something about his wife in session Monday (not related to his facial hair), so maybe the friend was representing her? Though nothing he said suggested anything negative about her.

I didn't tell him about the dream today. We were talking more about ex-MC and what happened there, and I wasn't sure what purpose sharing the dream would have. Aside from "Ha, that's funny!"

The location of the dream seems relevant. What does a lift (translation: elevator) represent? Going up and down, different floors, enclosed, access, mechanical (steady, una), shared space. A room but not a room, a room which moves.

Gestalt has a way of interpreting dreams (probably other modalities too) which says that you should think of every element of the dream as being a representation of you or parts of you. So, in this dream you would be represented by yourself, Heather, the beard, the lift, even Dr T. And you should imagine yourself as each of these elements and describe yourself. So as Heather, it might be, "I am special and chosen. I represent school/youth". The beard might say, "I am not wanted. Only certain people appreciate me. I am hairy (!) and I am touched". And so on. Each of these things say something about you. It's an interesting exercise I think. And no doubt a load of hokum, but there we are.

L always says when I tell of a dream I've had about her, "Remember, that's not me, it's a part of you" so I started saying "Dream L" instead when telling the dream.

I don't believe that 100% across the board; I mean why can't we dream about other people. It is interesting to work a dream that way, though, even if I don't believe that 100% of the time everyone who appears in a dream represents parts of me.

Maybe the idea is that our psyche and unconscious is exclusively our internal place, unique to us and therefore what exists in it or manifests from it is a reflection of us rather than external people. This would be distinct from relational matters where there are two beings at play.