Couch 246: Choose Change

i had my monthly 1 on 1 meeting with my sup at work this morning, i spent a good 10 minutes of the 30-minute call talking about "the thing" because her daughter got one not long ago, and she was telling me about her experience. it was good to hear another (almost) first-hand account, this one mostly positive, allayed my fears/anxiety a bit. just the talking about it helps actually. i guess i just need to keep talking about it. part of the problem is the waiting, the "negative anticipation" i guess you'd call it, oh wait I just googled it it's actually called "anticipatory anxiety" - having all this time to worry/be anxious about it. well at least December 5 is less than a month away now. Trying to do my CoDA step and turn it over to the care of God as I understand God but boy am I failing at this step.... waiting to hear back from my primary doc about the possible change to my thyroid meds, and if he doesn't want to change them, then i'll ask the other doc for the anxiety meds he offered.

Meanwhile, we got a new dishwasher put in a couple days ago cuz the old one carped out, and I ran it last night, and (of course) it leaked a bunch of water underneath the sink somehow during the night and I had a big mess to clean up this morning. They're coming out to fix it next Monday. So I'll be hand washing until then, no biggie I suppose. Just annoying that they messed up the install.

Reminds me of the old days when my sister & I used to make dip by melting velveeta and adding a can of rotel tomatoes. good stuff when I could still eat like that haha

It's a sign!

Re anticipatory anxiety - boy can i relate to that! I got my mammogram today, and tomorrow i get my covid shot. And next week my gp followup. These are not even big deals. They just disrupt my usual schedule of doing nothing. Ordering the uber ahead of time costs a little more but it allays anxiety.

I have my yearly thyroid scan coming up this Friday (which itself is so easy it's a non-event except for waiting for the results), then my also-yearly mammogram is a week from Saturday. Then I should be good to go until the December round of appointments start with 'the thing' on 12/5. Well not counting however many more times I see L this month. I think it will be twice. more.

ugh. my emotions are just barely under the surface today and i feel like the slightest little anything is going to make me burst into tears. i left a message this morning for the doc re: meds asking for an rx for one of the ones he suggested last week so am hoping to hear soon that i can go pick it up. just when i thought i was starting to feel better about stuff yesterday, too... i'm not.

I went to a yard sale last week and came home with some new cooking toys for camping - I got an omnia oven and a coleman oven in a box for $10 altogether (they are ridiculously expensive if bought new and I never could bring myself to buy either one). Today I played with the omnia and am very puffed up that I didn't burn anything (that is the big deal with it - people burn stuff easily in it). I did over fill it - have to remember not to do that because it is messy. I just used a cheap cake mix in case - this was for experimenting more than eating. If not raining - am going to try the coleman oven tomorrow over a wood fire rocket stove.

Hugs, Artie. It's worth giving something a try. You can always stop it if it doesn't help (though may take a few weeks, depending on the med) or if you have bad side effects. For what it's worth, buspirone and Zoloft had few, if any, side effects for me, and I tend to get side effects from meds. (I think those were your two options, right?) My daughter is also on Zoloft (though just 25 mg, but she's 12 and kind of tiny for her age).

Thanks, LT. I think I took 50mg of Sertraline when i took it years ago, and 50 mg trazodone as well. it's been awhile i might be wrong.

I think I was generally on 50 mg of sertraline and went up to 100 at one point, but noticed more side effects. I'm really sensitive to meds. It was a long time ago that I tried buspirone, so I have no idea what dose that was. I don't know if it did much for me, but I know it helps some people. I think trazodone just completely knocked me out, though I know it's often used for sleep. (It made me stay sleepy during the day, which doesn't work for editing!)

morning couch, hugs/headnods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

I was up well before the sun (here anyway) this morning, worked 5a-7a now we're getting ready to head to h's liver dr appt so i'm working a split shift today. he has to stay there for like 3-4 hours after it for observation, and they require that his ride (me) stay in the facility the entire time. So i packed up my crochet bag and will be working on my christmas afghan while we're there. If i really focus, I can get a lot done on it in 4 hours. we'll see! pic coming later depending on how much of it I get done today. i started it a while back, then put it aside for the cardigan and the shawl but now i'm back on it.

The pdoc ended up calling in 50mg Sertraline for me. I'm good with that, as I know it worked for me in the past and he said he'll be sure and work with me on weaning off when I'm ready to stop so I don't get brain zaps this time. I told him I really don't want to be on anything long-term but my thought is to get me through "the thing" in December, h's current health carp, and then our upcoming months of overtime that start on jan 1 so I can avoid having a minor breakdown like I did this year near the end of january when I had to get a manager-approved day off. he was good with that thought. So hopefully the pharmacy will have it ready to pick up tomorrow.

I feel a good bit of relief right now. And haven't felt my heart rate spike at all today. More evidence that it's just anxiety and not something more serious.

Hope the sertraline helps, Artie!

I've been on and off it a couple times and didn't really have issues with stopping it, as long as I tapered down vs. stopping cold turkey. I know they make a 25-mg one because it's what my D takes. So when you're ready to stop, you could probably have your doctor prescribe that and taper down, or else split what you have in half.

I think I remember him saying something about going to every other day or something maybe? I've already forgotten... oh my brain lately...

Here's my latest project, the christmas star afghan h asked me to make. i was intending to do another section of green and a final white border, but he asked me to leave it like this, said it's more christmas-y this way, so it's done! Personally, i think it looks unfinished but it was for him anyway, so whatev.

I don't know what I'm going to make next, but I need to figure it out soon because crocheting helps my anxiety.

Its so beautiful!

This is lovely!

awww thanks una & LT!

just got a text from walgreens my prescription is ready. i hope it starts working on the sooner side rather than the later side!

I am making cream cheese and ricotta today. Trying rennet and non-rennet versions.

I love real, fresh ricotta. I never understood my parents' taste for it, but now that i am old, omg i could live on it. I wonder how much of my appreciation for it is what do they call it? Like primal memory? Where you have ancestral memories? Ricotta just makes my tongue soooo happy. And i think thats the second time this week i have tongued the couch!

Well, poop. I was just on my way to get my Rx and go see L, and when I got out on the main road my car started the obvious signs of a flat tire - pulled over and sure enough - flat. And, my jack is not in the trunk!!! The spare tire is there, but no jack. I wonder if it got left at the shop when I got the new tires put on, because I had gotten a new spare at the time too, and I just didn't notice it. I limped my car back home cuz there's no close gas stations in that direction. Hoping L can just do a zoom session today, H is gone on a job so I have the house to myself.

I'm gonna just have AAA come out and change the tire so at least I can go get my meds later. But boo.

eta: yep, we're gonna do a zoom session.

Is this timing some kind of sign from the universe?

No. Recently, mid-rupture with P, I told him at the end of our sessions that I was not going to come to the session the next day. He sent me an email saying he hoped I changed my mind. I did change my mind, but when I got there I couldn't find anywhere to park. I mailed him that I couldn't find a parking spot and said it being a sign from the universe. He responded take your time. I found a spot and went in. I don't think it was a sign from the universe. Yours probably isn't either.

Ugh, that sucks, Artie! Glad you're OK. And that you were still able to do a Zoom session. Hope it was still helpful.

And I don't think it's a sign from the universe either. Admittedly, I might think of it that way if it happened to *me,* so I get it.

Did it help at all to hear the "take your time" from him? Like confirmation that he still wanted you to come in? Just curious. And are things any better between you and P?

thanks NP & LT. It was kinda funny how it turned out actually... we got on the zoom call and she kept losing connection, so we finally gave up and decided it is just not the right time now. Oh, well. at least she's not going to charge me for the 10 or so minutes we tried. We rescheduled for thursday evening after I get off work. Going to call AAA now so I can get my tire changed & go get my meds.