Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Good luck keeping up with me tomorrow.
My head has been whirring like a pinball machine.

I think I'll be taking a break again soon. We should talk about it. With the changes at work, my schedule's going to change too, and it's looking like I won't have Fridays off anymore. We're doing a shift bid next week, but it won't be taking effect just yet. At least we have a little time to talk about it.

I hate change.

I love that picture of you from a few years ago looking pissed off. You are always in such a good mood and laughing when we meet. I wonder what annoyed you so much that day.

I truly cannot make it without you.

I am trying to accept these upcoming work changes with grace, reminding myself that change brings growth, and that I can handle it.

I'm eating canned aspargus out of a coffee mug right now and I tried positive reinforcement and yeah I know I'm a total hypocrite. 2 sessions next week will work.

I drove myself mad late last night trying to find something in an old journal.

What you said about writing the questions down reminded me that I started doing that while we were working virtually, because it wasn't safe to ask them.

Turns out they're exactly the same from last April to now.

I've been muddling through today, but if this weird feeling doesn't lift over the weekend, I'm going to call E on Monday.

Next Thursday's going to be one hell of a conversation.

I felt happy to be alive today.

Dude is it your mission in life to bring me down when I'm feeling pretty good?! I mean what the actual ****? That was so hard today. I really wanted to ask you for a hug but I just couldn't. It's just business, right? And hugs don't belong in a business setting. It's like you said when I asked how you put up with me, I pay you to. I suppose that was a dose of reality that I badly needed to hear. And then when you said you get a workout - gee thanks, now I feel guilty.

I need to end this, and I need to end it soon.

Sorry about that panic email. At least it went away. Thats good progress.

Part of me still can't believe you said that. 😔

And btw, I still hate this parts crap.

Dear T,

Really hope you (or I) didn't get Covid from R Wednesday. (And then me potentially from you today.) That would be like my worst birthday present ever! And would keep me from being able to see you in person before you go away in about a week.So, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. Stay healthy.

Also, so you write short stories, eh? I got that sense, from something you said before. Would love to read one, though I'm sure you wouldn't share with me (and not just because I'm an editor!) Maybe writing (along with political views) is something we actually have in common?

Love you,
LT

Hugs, Artie. I'm sorry she said that. (Hope it's OK to reply here!) Those moments of reality with T's can be so painful...

Feel free to PM me to talk about it more, if you want. I'm here to listen.

Why must I chase you?

I wonder if my dumb crisis email was too much. Since I said something I've never ever said before or even halfway hinted at. And now I wonder if your gonna rethink everything we have been discussing this last year and few months.

I sent another one explaining things and I hope you reply.

I just questioned myself thats all.

I cried because I was so tired yesterday.

Dreamt I was back at my primary school in my year 3 classroom with my Year 7 English teacher.

I always dream of school when I'm stressed and going through things.

Dear T,

I wish you weren't going away next week. Felt connected to you today and worry your going away will affect that. At least I'm seeing R next week-hopefully she'll be recovered from Covid then!

Oh, and I was surprised when you said your wife had Covid at one point--I wonder if that's why you had to switch to virtual one of those times before? I can't believe you'd have just come in and met in person without at least warning me that you could have been exposed, so it must have been something like that, or maybe in a stretch when we were virtual anyway, like much of 2021.

Also, I hope you say something about my birthday on your own when I see you Wed. You acknowledged it today in asking if I wanted to switch to a different time, if I wanted to do something in the afternoon that day. But I wonder if you'd actually wish me a happy birthday without my saying something first? Would be nice if you did.

Love,
LT

I'm glad our session went good. And that you didn't care that I was sitting on the couch weirdly to hide myself. I don't know if you even noticed. You said things don't normally happen as fast as they did for me when we discussed my email. But you listed off a bunch of reasons.

You didn't deny my weight gain but you didnt make it into a show either. You did tell me you wanted me to work out today. But I think that was more for my energy levels. Because you also said be mindful of when I'm hungry.

Idk. I didn't take offense at anything you said. I'm not sure if you found my joke funny when I compared coming off Prestiq to coming off Oxy.

My mom told me you believing in healthy at any size sounds like a cop out.

I was laid off so I lost insurance I’m lucky my company is partially subsidizing my cobra and I can afford it… for now. So I’m making plans to see therapist.

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These sessions where you're the only person who would understand the impact are hard.
My friend has given me permission [because that's apparently something I need...] to share some of the thought process and interim questions, but I don't want to inflict that on them.

The questions haven't changed since last April.
No, I don't know why I'm still asking them.

I wrote a Yelp review about that one therapist who called me confused. If she complains I'll tell her I have about 20 people backing me up and who are on my side and that shes just out of luck.

She responded. She didn't complain. She just said she hopes I'm doing well and she's open to having a conversation.

I think she knows she ****ed up. And shes just being an ***. She should have left it at "I hope your doing well." No I won't have a conversation with her because I'm not going to give her details about my life that are none of her bussiness or name drop other practices and therapists like she wants me to do.

Following our conversation this morning, it has dawned on me that I need to stop thinking my feelings.

I hope we can work towards this together.

Your 'He had a pig?' comment today felt a little odd to me.
You've seen that picture - it's my favourite picture of him.
The only one that isn't a promotional pic.

I'll have it in session next week.