Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,

Well, I emailed. I hope you're empathetic in your reply tomorrow. I hope I haven't self-fulfilled a prophecy around H's surgeries....


Love,
LT

Heard a rumour about myself from the extended family grapevine.


I do not have to prove anything.

There’s obviously nothing about not wanting to surround myself with toxic family members, Choosing my own mental health first and developing boundaries, where I will be selfish.

This cousin is obviously blocked, along with an aunt and another cousin.

I’m glad my sister is taking my side, and willing to also cut ties with her too based on how she has also treated my youngest sister.

Thank you for the "hearts and flowers." I hope I'm outta the ditch for a long, long while. Mostly, I hope, for your sake!

Dear T,
You nearly always reply to emails in the morning, even on weekends. I hope this is just that you're busy, not that you're annoyed by the email/me (or in a coma or something). Or maybe it's like the other time, where for some reason, the email didn't actually send.
Love,
LT

@Lemoncake this doesnt even make sense! This reminds me of the time my parents forced me to attend a wedding with them even though i had a huge swollen red pimple on the tip of my nose. I realize now i just had to make an appearance to prove i wasnt pregnant. I was in college. It was humiliating. And just really stupid.

Obviously your relatives are jealous of your considerable accomplishments. I understand how difficult it is to have one foot in the modern educated present of our careers, and the other in the superstitious illiterate past of our immediate family. It is truly an untenable situation.

Thank you for comment Una.

I'll send you a PM.

Dear T,

Thanks for that--it was worth waiting for.

Love,
LT

I'm grateful:


2.Friends
3.That I could afford to eat today.
4.Clean water.
5.Electricity.

I might just have to bring my drum next week...

Sometimes I just want to scream because its this time of year and I'm thinking of her.

Its so loud and incredibly close.

Dr. S. - 2 more days and you hit a deadline, if you don't act on it. You still come up on my insurance as being available and taking new clients. I know you are not there anymore or at least not practicing there.

5.5 weeks since last email contact. 3+change months since I last saw you or heard your voice.

I am so angry with you - hate comes to mind. These are still thoughts not feelings. Because I still think it was all my fault. All meaning this pain, letting myself connect, sitting back and waiting for life to return to "normal", not pushing through my walls when I had you here.

I wonder if I should email you and see if there is a way to ease this suffering. I am sure there is, it probably just isn't what I want. It probably doesn't include you.

Dear T,

Would you just prefer that I go elsewhere? You were just weird today. Maybe you thought you were reassuring me with some of that, but it really didn't help. So much for helping me feel "safer" and "less shamed."

Love (despite all that),

LT

Dear T,
I'm sure no other times will be available, and now schools will close early because of a rainstorm, so I'll have to cancel the extra session. Damn it. I just feel really bad about our relationship now and could do to feel better...I hope you might possibly end up with another option (or maybe her schools won't close, despite other ones doing so?)
Love,
LT

Looking forward to Friday.

Dear T,

Trying 988 instead of you. I imagine you'd be relieved to hear that.

LT

ETA: They're probably thinking, "FFS, suck it up, woman."

I just want to talk to you...

Even when you don't meet my needs, you're still the best!

My endocronlogist and my primary doctor want me to lose weight. My pdoc is in the process of taking me off some meds to help me out with my weight. He was even willing to prescribe me Wegovy.

I'm starting to think you not wanting me to lose weight and all your health at any size talk is a you problem. Possibly based on your own insecuirtys.

My mom says you shouldn't be contradicting my doctors.

Dear T,

That helped some, thank you. Also, I appreciate that you seemed to be taking my current emotional state seriously. And that you acknowledged I hadn't been in this place for a long time. I'm also glad you actually said (unprompted) the words, "You're important to me."

Sorry if I had a bit of a death grip on your hand when I was leaving. You seemed to squeeze my hand extra tightly to begin with, which I appreciate. I just didn't want to have to let go.

Please be safe in the rain and wind.

Love you,
LT

We sometimes get to an impasse, but we always talk through it, and get right over to the other side! Now I dropped a big past trauma that we've never discussed - well, you just found out about it - I'm wondering what our next steps will be...

How do I make peace with this knowledge that I did not want?

Dear T,

H is finally home. I was pretty stressed with no updates from his dad for a long time, but I managed. And the surgery took longer than I'd expected. Apparently, it was quite the hernia. Had we not gone through all this drama about it, I'd shoot you an email to update, but no way I'm doing that now! (I do miss you and wish we could talk for a few minutes.) I'd like to think you're wondering about how he did, but you're probably just living your life.

Love you,
LT

Dear T
Coping much less well today. But I don't want to email, plus I doubt you'd reply till tomorrow anyway, and I'll be seeing you at noon, so...

I realized that I didn't want you to want an update on how H is doing--I wanted you to want an update on how *I'm* doing, like how I'm managing it all. I hope that will make sense to you when I explain it. And that you'll show some warmth (well, your level of warmth!).

Love,
LT

I know I'm not supposed to, but I do worry about you sometimes. You're going somewhere for several days, somewhere that makes you inaccessible. You've never done this before. When you talked about it, you didn't look happy. You seemed down and concerned. I hope your "trip" is something good, but I feel like it is not. Sending positive vibes across the Universe to you.

**** magical thinking...

I've been happier today, but have also been feeling more anxious at the same time given everything that's been going on in the world and with my youngest sister.