Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Thank you so much for yesterday. It was more helpful than you may know.

Dear T,
This weekend is stressful with the weather, H being unable to drive, D not wanting to do much with me, and other people to watch D not being available. I'm managing. I know I could reach out to you, but what could you say, really? And I see you Monday. I will do my best to not just fret about the possible storm Tuesday the whole time.

Though I definitely have another potential topic: In reading about stuff with PANDAS/PANS after seeing D's test results (still need to talk to Dr. H about them), I came across a story of a girl who had it that is so eerily similar to what happened with me when I was 12. And now I'm really wondering if I had (have?) that. As it would explain a lot. Though I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. Better, I think? It's not like it was really a known thing back then. So it's not like "Why didn't they get me treatment for it?" No idea if it would still be affecting me now or if I could get treatment at this point? Suppose I could ask Dr. H, as she works with adults, too.

Maybe I'm not just crazy after all! (I know, I know, mental health issues aren't being crazy.)

Love,
LT

You would have a major freak out if you found out I lost track of time yesterday while working out with my VR headset and I worked out for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

And so what. Some people need to lose weight. Get over it. I already know now to set a timer next time so I don't get carried away.

Dr. S. - I should not have believed you.

Dear T,
I was trusting that you'd just be in the office today with the weather unless you let me know otherwise. But I appreciate your unsolicited text letting me know you'd be there.
Love,
LT

Thanks for acknowledging my email.

It's gonna be quite a session tomorrow.

Was it on purpose that you didn't respond to my email until right after I paid you?

Also I'm sorry I worked out too much on Sunday and I'm sorry I only ate Halo Top ice cream tonight

And I'm sorry for telling the whole school about the time you got diarhhea at Barnes And Noble

Its always good when you switch to telehealth when I actually want to do it.

Sorry about that kinda bizzare session and my strange scratching issue. You know though. Med withdraws.

Over 15 years with you, and now it's over. It was quite the ride, bae! Bye bye bye.

You said yesterday

"I think we need to celebrate your birthday too."

No. We don't.

My family and I will celebrate my birthday.
Please stay in your lane. Therapists aren't the only one with boundaries.

I need to talk with you about ending, but without actually ending. And at the same I feel like we ended a while ago.

I asked you to be gentle with your reply to my good-bye, which was very nice if I do say so myself. My soul is very tender right now. Don't f it up more, please.

Your reply was nice. But, then you went ahead and sent me my records knowing I'd scour through them immediately. I hope you'll be willing to respond to my follow ups. Sooner rather than later.

The heaviness persists.
Deep breathing isn't doing much.

I am so very much enjoying this current poem a day challenge. Of course, this means I'm not doing much therapy-writing, but oh well! The kickoff zoom call was awesome Wednesday night, and they're working on putting together small writing groups for those of us who signed up for those. I'm on track right now, but as the year progresses, I'm likely gonna need the accountability of a small group. There's also gonna be monthly zoom calls with guest poets. I am already enjoying this immensely.

It feels like you're ignoring me. That sucks.

You're probably going to switch to virtual on Thursday again. I want to see you in person this time. My mom says you switches a lot. Whatever. I can see how you get away with it all the time.

Dear T,

I admit it bothered me some that you forgot that D has started on that medication, especially as we spent some time talking about it Friday. I'm not sure whether it's worth bringing up though. I mean, you might just say "I've told you my memory is bad." I'll see how I feel Wednesday, I suppose. I imagine I'll just let it go. Unless you act like you have no idea what I'm talking about then, of course.

Love,
LT

I'm sorry Dr. T. forgot such an important detail, LT.

Wow, it's really over. Therapeutically speaking.

Today I had a follow up Zoom interview with an anthropology graduate that I aided in her research on online memorials back in 2018.

Of course, the conversation back then was all about Chris. It seems like an act of serendipity from the universe itself that she got in touch last night, when today 'marks' 17 years since Chris and I last spoke.



It didn't feel right to enter into that discussion without 'updating' her on my current griefscape.

I pre-emptively answered a question that she didn't ask, about why I don't have a similar online memorial for Steve.

Well, I do, but it's not 'live'...it's not something I can add to.

I think me doing something like that would hurt too many people.

Perhaps that's something we could talk about on Thursday, as I wrestle with the issue of whether I can even remember Steve in the same way...

I emailed you about 4 times in the past 24 hours. Either your busy or I've crossed the email boundary finally.

I did tell you to start pushing me more though. Maybe you are trying to push me into handling things on my own?

I've been reading Reddit threads about how people are thinking so I guess I have been handling things on my own.

I bet you will be *****y about the weather in the morning. Its not even raining.

Dear T,

I doubt you'd ever do something like that handwriting book thing with me. Part of me wants to talk about that, but I'm not sure it would be a fruitful discussion? I mean, I imagine that client wasn't attached to you, and maybe you just opted to do the same thing they were doing. Not that I'd want to work on handwriting! But something else? I imagine Friday I'll just be talking about the IEP meeting, though I guess it depends on how eventful (or not) it is.


Love,
LT