Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I figured out last night what it is that I felt like I was losing last week.

I didn't think your follow up email was necessary. I knew it was a typo and as soon as I read the typo I thought of a SpongeBob quote where the same thing happened. It didn't bother me.

I had a hard time after our session. Not because of the session, but just stuff in genera. I crashed for a bit and then applied for another job.

I truly am taking it day by day.

Dear T,

I hate the session right before your vacation. I feel like I have to be so careful, but then I end up being distanced and not letting myself feel connected. Or I end up talking about something I shouldn't talk about and then feel weird and/or upset about the therapeutic relationship.

This time, I think I figured something out in talking to a friend last night regarding your vacations and why it bothers me that you won't say anything about where you're going. And I'd like to be able to talk to you about it. But it feels way too risky to do right now. So maybe I'll talk about it with R, then talk to you about it when you're back?

This vacation just snuck up on me, with the holidays, then H's surgery. I should have talked about this a couple weeks ago, but there was other stuff going on then.

Maybe I'll take some photos in again--that worked pretty well before one of your vacations last year. I could bring some with me and see how I feel. Or talk about writing--that seems to connect us. I just feel I need some sort of planned topic so the other stuff doesn't just come spilling out. Though, knowing me, it will anyway, with 15 minutes left, and we'll leave on an awkward note.... Maybe I'll say at the start "If I start talking about x, please stop me and say, 'You said you didn't want to talk about this today.'" Or something. I don't know. Guess I have nearly 7 hours to figure it out...

Love,
LT

When the house phone has charged, I'm hoping to have a conversation with E to figure out whether I'm 'brave' (haha) enough to try the online support group on Sunday night.

I've had one good experience with it, and another experience that I found more challenging.

We should have talked about this yesterday...even intense sessions aren't long enough sometimes.

I really wish we'd talked about this yesterday, because I couldn't get through to the helpline.

Then I ended up talking to my mother, who talked me out of attending.

Like Steve said, 'Self care requires telling the damn truth.'

Denying myself the spaces where I can do that doesn't make sense.

You're the best T anyone could wish for.

Dear T,
Thanks for listening and being understanding and compassionate and not defensive today. (i did my best to be the same toward you, too.) I think it's good we discussed all that. Would it have better if it hadn't been right before your vacation? Probably. But I also think if I held all that in or said something right at the end, it wouldn't have been so good either.

It helped that you explained why you have this policy. Also, that you said it's nice to know you matter this much (to me). With the love thing, for example, it just seemed that was all bad in your eyes (though maybe you felt it was wrong for you to feel at all positive about my feeling and expressing that?). So at least you see some sort of positive in this.

And glad you said it didn't feel awkward for you--well, like I said, no more awkward than sessions with me typically are.

Love you,
LT

PS: An ad for Disney World popped up and covered the screen as I was about to post this--a sign? Though the thought of you at Disney is sort of amusing... just seems very incongruent.

Why did you tell me you had a planned c-section on 4/20. Now I can't get the image of you being high, out of my head.

I don't want to make a food plan on Thursday because it won't help and I know what to do anyways.

Analysing this is easier than feeling it.
For the first six months, I needed to keep myself safe because we were working virtually.
Who am I holding it together for now?

The word for Steve is 'mentor'.

I want to send you the poem I just wrote but I'm not going to. I'm so good to you. Ha.

Dr. S - I sent the Goodbye. You replied. It's been a weirdly harder few days. I am still mad about elements of what happened. Mad at you and the universe. You were never suppose to be gone. That was kind of the deal. It wasn't a promise so much as the purpose of creating the attachment in the first place.

Dear T,

I miss you. D's having a big meltdown. And I want to talk to you about the stuff about me that I discussed with R, even though I imagine you'll disagree with her idea, based on things you've said before. And there's just other stuff I want to talk about, too. I hate having no idea where you are right now.

None of this is at the level to warrant an email, especially not this early in the week. And I see R tomorrow morning, assuming things don't go awry with the morning schedule here.

But still...I wish I could talk to you...

Hope you're safe and healthy and all.

Love you,
LT

Well you seemed pretty bored with me today, and I lost count of how many times you looked at the clock. Why?

E: pretty much the worst time for you to be on vacation. and i just saw you last night. things have immeasurably gone wrong. and only going to get worse, and i have no one to talk to about it. how will i make it another week, especially when the anniversary is monday? help.

Dumping youse ASAP.

As soon as I find at least transitional housing.

I don't know if you'll want me to switch to telehealth since you get so freaky over germs. As of tonight I'm still blowing out blood and coughing a bit but I've taken almost 2 full days of antibiotics.

Idk. Maybe you'll call in first and I won't have to worry

I'm listening to the song Say Something and it reminds me of my transference T. I thought of her the other day and I was wondering why I still think of her after almost 3 years. I think my brain just got rewired.

I know I need to be honest with you but how do I tell you stuff without ending up IP. Because I'm feeling serious stuff but its not like IP stuff.

Its med whdrawels and being without meds and antbiiotic side effects and I'm trying to cope by myself in the next hour. Maybe I'll just take my meds early.

'Where we cannot go in our mind, our memory, or our body is where we cannot be straight with another, our world, or our self.'

- David Whyte, speaking on honesty

We've covered some hard intellectual ground, but the emotional side of this experience holds a lot of fear to me.

I need to know that you will be there, whatever unfolds.

Dear R,

I had a nice lunch with my friend J yesterday. And I haven't spent much time replaying what I may have done wrong either. It seemed like we both enjoyed ourselves. Think she's a level 4, even if we don't get together that often (she seemed open to more frequently though, if our work schedules allow).

The weird thing about your being my backup T is that I don't get to update you on those things as I would with Dr. T. I mean, I guess I could send a quick email, but would that be weird or annoying? Maybe I'll wait till after I see Dr. T Monday (assuming he still exists, as I'm not 100% sure right now) and can also give you a brief update on that, if I share with him what you and I discussed? I don't know. I don't want to overstep any boundaries. But it's weird to be like, "OK, I guess I'll update you...whenever it is that I meet with you again. Maybe not till the summer." Though I don't know--maybe I could arrange to meet with you sometime next month or whatever.

Anyway, meeting with you was helpful, and I'm glad we were able to have Wednesday's session. As I felt like Monday's sort of opened up lots of questions that would have been just hanging. Not that things in the one area are resolved, but at least we could discuss them more.

--LT

Dear T,

Do you still exist? Earlier in the week, I was just missing you, but it was tolerable. A bit sad, but OK. Now I'm at the "questioning your existence" stage, which is more difficult in some ways. Maybe I'll send a one- or two-sentence email tonight, I don't know. Will see what I'm feeling later.

Love you,
LT

I feel like walking the seas right now or some ****. No I'm not high. Kinda down though. Idk what to do. I'm not on any kind of schedule with anything. I took my PM meds at noon and I just took melatonin now in the afternoon.