Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,

What if I can't adapt to the new space? Like if I can't feel safe there? I just feel sad about it now. I do wonder if it's because the place where I chose to sit today was the same alignment to you as the stretch after the pandemic before you allowed me to sit closer. Maybe that's part of it? But what if the other seat is *too* close? I guess there's the in-between option. Maybe I'll try that one first Monday. And at least those chairs were in your old office, and I've sat in at least one before, so they're familiar. Plus, then I'll have the window in front of me, like the previous alignment (aside from the initial post-pandemic bit).

Love,
LT

How have you managed to make our relationship feel so unsafe in one move?
Sure, there are other conversations we need to have...but not right now.

Right now I need to feel like you've got me...and I don't. Not even close.

Dear T,
I wanted to email you, but wasn't really sure what I wanted to say or what I wanted from you. Plus, I have no idea whether at this point you'd charge me, though you didn't say so before. So I didn't--I didn't even start writing one. And I didn't ask about a session tomorrow. Progress?

No guarantees I won't still send something before Monday, of course. But if I get till tomorrow morning without emailing, I may as well wait. So, I'll make that my goal.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

This might sound silly, but what if we had a sort of do-over of my first visit to your new office Monday? Not sure if you'd be willing to do a handshake again, but maybe you could invite me to look around, stand and look out the window, possibly even show me where the other offices are, etc. I'll ponder this. Of course, I'd need to tell you about it beforehand, which would require an email, and you might object to the idea, but... I guess I'm trying to think if there's anything else that could help me in the transition.

Maybe it's a dumb idea, I don't know...

Love,
LT

Dear T,

So H actually was asking to hear about how things had been for me the past couple weeks--including stuff regarding you. Progress???

Love,
LT

Dear ex multiple t thanks for your coping skills which I currently use everyday but Everytime a t left due to finding better jobs or they just quit . You broke my heart into pieces and I trusted the next t and 4 times over they just left for better paying places. And what you left behind was a heartbroken mess which didn't help in the trust department.

Sent from my SM-G996U1 using Tapatalk

Rebecca reminded me of my support system diagram tonight.
I'm glad she did, but don't you think we should have worked on establishing my support system before you scarpered for a month?

Dear T,

Do you have OCD, too? The post-handshake thing you described--especially it being on your mind all session--it sounds very much like OCD. As I said, it's one area where I can understand your reaction. If I didn't have it, or if it wasn't partly a contamination iteration of it, I might have been offended. But I wasn't. Honestly, thinking about it now, I feel a little bad, like maybe I should have picked up on it and said, "If you want to go wash your hands, it's OK."

Also, I'm unsure how to feel that you said your policy is generally zero touch, particularly with female clients, but that you make an exception for me because you know it's meaningful to me. When we first started and discussed the handshake, you said you left it up to clients, so I guess I assumed you shook hands with others, too? I mean, maybe you do, but mostly males. I'm glad you're still willing to do that. You seemed surprised that I find your handshake to be warm, too--perhaps others have said otherwise? It still felt warm today, so I don't think you were pulling back, which I was relieved about. (And I've had my share of cold handshakes.)

I think the discussion about R went OK, too? I mean, it's a "to be continued." But felt more....I don't know, two-sided, like we were collaborating on it.

Definitely felt better in that seat, too.

Love,
LT

Sometimes I feel so incredibly stupid. I had a huge therapy-related realization last night, and of course wanted to email you about it. So far I have not, and am doing my best to resist, because I can't help but think if I do email you, it would just be more of what the realization was about and I do not want to go there. Gah. Stupid dumb convoluted therapeutic relationship.

This Friday it will be 6 months since we last met.

Sorry about that weird email. I've had a bit too much.

Thanks though for making the email make sense when you replied

There are SQUIRRELS in the living room! An exterminator on a SCOOTER was scoping out the area, but maybe it was his car parked on top of the hill all damn day!?

Squirrels turned into a good neighbor. FEBREEZE IS TRYING TO SPY ON US!

I know you know I know. It's like the walls. You looking at me looking at you.

I can function now. I don't want to I WANT A TORTOISE!

But seriously. I do NOT want to admit this but you're my FP.

This mess is beginning to remind me of summer 2018.
I'm tired beyond belief, and my support system is ****ing disintegrating faster than I've ever known.

You're here, but you're not here...don't you get it?

I'm really tempted to email you and ask if we can try agaIn tommorow. I am tired and anxious today

Dear T,

I'm going to show up tomorrow, and you're going to fking regret taking my case on. I mean, you probably already do, but now you're going to think hump day is bump day (as in, even if you didn't have a substance use problem, you're going to want to have a bump of your opioid of choice).

Just kidding. I'm going to be a good little client and tell you all about how I used my coping skills and DBT skills for as long as I could before the psychosis took the wheel. Pretty cool how everyone acts like "if you know STOPP and can distract yourself from acting impulsively" will keep you okay, but every now and then it's easy to go from "I feel good" to running out of the library screaming so you don't throw a desk at the dude chewing gum to engraving pictures of atoms on the porch after sending nonsense to a bunch of universities on some proton BS you came up with because a stop sign looked too red.

Dear New (I guess?) P-Doc,

I feel like the LT of even a year ago would have been bothered by some of what you said. And I was slightly, I guess. But, I think you're right. I think I'm at the point where I'm ready to make that change. And I think maybe I need someone to talk a bit tough to me (Dr. T does about some thing, but not really this--seems more wistful almost. But it's also a lot more complicated now with him if he were to take a more judgmental stance--I can let you be the enforcer). I have this thought of "I feel like you can help me."

I admit, I also liked that your closing line to me was "And you're not crazy." You seemed to read me well, about some other things, too. And you came thisclose to mentioning another possible diagnosis (I know which one), but you seem willing to investigate more first. Funny that both you and Dr. T have said "you're complicated" in the past couple weeks.

And normally I might have opened a beer right now, but I'm having an NA one. Decided to make the right choice.

--LT

Dear T,

I think you'll be proud of me for considering this treatment option. I mean, maybe you'd prefer I do this with Dr. S, especially as you know her, and I have an appointment set up (I'll cancel that, but give myself a couple days to be sure, I think). But I think I need an outsider perspective, a different voice. I imagine you won't care, as long as I get support.


Love,
LT

Dear T,

Looking forward to your return from vacation in a few days.
I hope you are having SUCH a good time!
Looking forward to stories about your adventures.

I’m proud of myself for how well I am doing.
And, good things are happening here!

Dear T,

Wish you'd have acknowledged my last text about still letting me know if you have a cancellation tomorrow, like "will do" or a thumbs up. Hope you saw it. Very on the fence on whether to email you or to hold off. I guess your comment meant I'm back in the no-charge zone, but maybe it's better if I stay there for a bit? Messaging with my friend is helping. Maybe that will be enough for now. Will see how it goes.

I feel like I was on this high (hypomanic?) in session today and am now crashing. Like, "whee, I'm inspired and going to make all these changes" and now it's like reality is hitting and I'm sad and scared. I just wish I could have gone through that before session, so we could have talked about it, instead of after. Or that you had something tomorrow instead of Friday, but I have lots of work to do anyway, so...

Love,
LT

Dear new T, I might just stop. It feels like a bit of a waste of money.

Well done for putting a significant barrier between us (in moving to Teams) and then talking about 'our connection'.

I did not feel it today at all...and this is a time when I really need it.

Dear E,

Thank you for being the one to pick up the phone today.
It's good not to have to start at the beginning.
The firefighting analogy is everything...that's exactly what I'm doing at the moment.

Only trouble is, I've never used a hose...so the main fire is still there.

R wants me to look the other way for a while, but what will I see when I look back?

Who knows...

The timing of all this is abysmal, and yet we cannot choose when our epiphanies arrive.

Thanks for being there,

Lost

Dear T,

Well, either you didn't have any cancellations (yet) or forgot to tell me (I got the sense that text you got yesterday was the client after me canceling, from your reaction--we need to talk about your commenting on things like that in my session). Or you figured because I didn't email, I'm totally fine. Honestly, I'm unsure whether I'd have come in today or not if you had something, as I slept so poorly last night.

With the email, I had something typed up, then was thinking: Well, I'll likely be in the red or close to it after this. And I have a family vacation next week. Then, not long after I get back, you'll be away. I think I'd rather know my emails will be free for a bit (unless they're crazy long, of course). And I felt like I was going in too many directions in my email, where I wasn't sure what you're respond to and what I *wanted* you to respond to. So maybe I'll just share it with you at the start of session tomorrow. Hopefully, I will get more than 3 hours of sleep tonight...

Of course, now you're going to text me to let you know you have a 3 or 4 open today, but I really think I'd decline at this point and just keep my time tomorrow.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

My conversation with E today made me question my decision to see you in person again for the first time on WSPD.

That day will be heavy...Reconnecting then is going to be weird...and there's no question that your decision here has affected our connection.

Still don't get your reasoning, but I certainly didn't want to spend more session time on it.

You know I'm not going to email about the other stuff, because it's not suitable for email.

Email contact is about you helping me regulate until we can be in person again...and that's still about a month away.

I need you but I don't like you is a hell of a balance to strike.

I’m grateful to be alive.

I feel incredibly unsafe within our relationship right now.
Regardless of whether you intended that...it's what has happened.

I feel embarrassed that you asked me how I was and I cried.
I guess that's an answer of sorts, but it's more than I wanted to give.

This is too much for me to carry on my own, and I am very much on my own with it for around 160 hours each week.

We both know that finding the language is something that happens over time...not under pressure.