Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Girl thats fantastic! I unfortunately gained 15 lbs in 6 mos. My dr said that happens with insulin. I need to cut down on cookies!

Trying to find the words has that sense of ripping the plaster/band aid off.

I want to but I can't seem to get there.

Looking forward to meeting you... you sounded nice on the phone.

Thanks Una!

Dr. S - What to do regarding your email response? Do I say, thank you, I look forward to your email this weekend... have a great week.... or do I not say anything at all because ... just cuz on sit on email; not everyone does and not every email needs a response. Ughh I hate trying to figure out what is expected of me - and this is where you would say, do whatever would be helpful or what your heart says to do - which is actually to not reply. I know you don't check your email as often as before, you said so. So would you even see it before you send the one this weekend? Is it rude to not reply?

I deleted all of our session recordings from my laptop.

I do deserve better .

So grateful that you brought our next session forward.

See you Monday.

That was such energizing work today!! Thank you. We were totally in our groove, eh? I could have kept going another couple of hours.

I'm remembering 3 years ago with my transference T. When she kept wanting to send me to the hospital and then the session before thanksgiving then the big med **** up and iop and **** during the holidays and Brothers On A Hotel Bed on repeat.

Honestly current T I think I'm mainly just worried about this appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday. And I am in a lot of discomfort.

But even though things are mainly physical right now I'm still thinking of November 2020. Idk. I know those few months messed me up.

Hey. I figured out more of the dream I titled "L & R" - now I even more see that it's part of the whole. Wowza, I love working my dreams with you.

Dear T,

That was totally (negative) maternal transference coming out today. Where it just felt like you said, "You did it wrong." I found that I kept forcing myself to look into your eyes during that part of session. I was thinking after that maybe it was to reassure myself that it was you in there, and not my mom. And to feel the caring in them (which I did feel, after feeling what I interpreted as criticism/judgment initially).

I did appreciate your tissue box comment, how "we're at that point in the relationship." Felt connecting. Plus it was probably something that no one else outside the room would understand.


Love,
LT

International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, and just about a month until Steve's birthday.

Then the festiveness, and then...a clean slate.

If I could find the words, I would use them...until then, I'm Feeling.

And I was ambushed by That Song whilst watching The Voice tonight.

I can't handle 'Stand By Me' under normal circumstances, let alone today.

I did both of the active imaginations that you suggested. Good stuff, Maynard.

I had a dream where I was at your house for dinner and I spilled gravy all over the place or some weird **** like that.

I just went for a long walk after i got off work... it's a beautiful, windy afternoon... and I was given a poem while I sat among the cacti, typing the words into my phone as they came; then after I got back home finished it up and posted it to my blog.

The wind speaks, if only we will listen... and I was listening today.

Dr. S, that was a blah response. I expected more. I guess I shouldn't have. I am not your responsibility anymore.

There is so much I wish I could talk to you about, explore, discuss, and share with you. I miss having that person.

I'm really depressed today. Mainly about my health. I hope our session helps. I had that dream last night of me working again. The job I want is still seasonal. But I think the hours are great.

Dr. P. I normally would be seeing you in about 45 mins. I feel very little about not seeing you. A weird hole in my schedule - that's about all. Talking things through with someone else helped me solidify that you are not right for me... or not right for me where I am now. How will you be next week when I tell you that I don't think we are a good match? Will you want to talk it through or will you be like, ok - and send me on my way. Weird to want both.

I told you about my dream and instead of being creeped out you just laughed and said "did I make anything besides gravy?"

Also I know I sounded kinda squeaky at the end. Its because when we hung up I went to the bathroom to dry heave. Dumb side pain.

Dear T,
Do you do some sort of creative writing, too? (Or maybe your wife or a close friend or I guess another client?) You just seem very knowledgeable about writing and the publishing business. And kind of vested in it. I imagine you wouldn't tell me if you did it though. From some of what you've said, I would suspect you write sci-fi, which isn't my thing anyway.

I do wish I'd learned to take criticism and feedback more when I was much younger. I suppose if I'd played sports more, like you said, I would have gotten plenty of that, as I kind of suck at athletic endeavors!

I sort of wish you were working Friday, just because, i mean, I'm at the point where it would be free. You said no one had really expressed interest. I know I said it in a joking tone today, but I guess I'm no one? Not that I'd expect you to come in just for me, of course. And other clients might have just figured it wasn't an option, especially if you said you didn't know if you'd be working. It's a big deal, like I'm not going to make a thing of it. Assuming things don't totally fall apart for me in some way in the next few days, that is...

Love,
LT

These nighttime griefquakes are becoming par for the course.

It's hard to 'breathe through it' when that's my only option.

Dear new T

Thank you for being patient and understanding. I know now that working with you is going to help me function in my day to day and other things.

Dear T,

And now I've screwed up another work thing. I hope my good track record on this particular account will keep me from getting fired. I have no idea how I missed that assignment email... And why didn't anyone say something when I didn't submit it on the due date of Friday? Or at least today?

Wish I could talk to you for a few minutes, but H helped talk me down, and I don't want to email if I can avoid it. Hope I don't get fired or anything. But I can't possibly be the first person to miss an assignment like that, with the way they assign things. It was much better when it was more personalized--L would have emailed again if I didn't confirm receipt from her. The automated system isn't like that.

Love,
LT