Long-term clients and maternity leaves

3.5 more days. I've been 97 days without her. I'm not sure I want her back. I'm still not sure this pain is worth it. And I still can't make a decision on our rituals. She wanted us to follow through with our previous plan made before she left. My gut says no. I don't want her to feel good feelings and I don't want to feel good feelings towards her either.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, Scarlet.

What you need is the most important thing here.

If your gut feeling is that you can't face the rituals right now, then you don't have to stick to them just to please L.

Maybe saying the words 'I'm struggling to feel safe enough to reconnect with you.' would help in some way...just to bring it into the space, so that she understands why you are uncomfortable with the rituals.

It's your therapy, and you deserve to feel comfortable with how it takes place.

L emailed me an updated plan. I feel like she's starting to listen to me, but is also still not understanding everything. We're not going to hug or hold hands. We're going to sit on furniture, not the floor. There are a few things I don't like/agree with. I'm not sure if I want to do breathing with her. I don't think I want to do Pick Your Poison. And I definitely don't want her to say she loves me when we end session. I believe she'll respect my wishes, but I don't feel she is understanding my boundaries.

She also suggested I bring my dog to comfort me. I think I will do that.

I'm glad she's listening some more, but hope she'll be able to understand better. Bringing your dog sounds like a great idea. Have you found out what her office will look like, if it's any different?

I really hope the first session goes fairly well for you, or at least better than you expect. I'm sure it will be difficult and painful and it will take time to build back trust and connection.

She doesn't even know what her office looks like. Saturday will be her first time there. She said her and her work partner haven't discussed changing anything, but she doesn't know.

Thank you for your well wishes. I'm scared. AND her last two emails haven't upset me except for the "love" thing. She was really good at mirroring, so I feel like she's listening. I just worry about how things will turn out. There's a lot of pressure on both of us, I feel.

Hi Scarlet
Try not to worry about what Saturday will hold. One technique helpful to me is to try and just stay in ThE day so to speak. Worry about Saturday on Saturday not on Thursday or Friday. This may not be so accessible to you at first but with practice, it has been a big help to me so I pass it on to you Worrying before hand takes a huge amount of energy with emotions. I used to worry and wonder myself sick about what COULD happen and most of the the all the bad stuff I thought about didn't happen. Deep breaths ....and remember how far you have come these three months with minimal support.

Deejay,
Yes, you are right. One day, one hour, one moment at a time. It's how I was able to get through all the hard things on my own. I think I'm struggling with that is because there is just SO much at risk. And because the decisions rest on me. It's my choice to do rituals or not. It's my choice to continue the relationship or not. That's a lot of pressure. When I was dealing with the other stuff, I didn't have many choices. I just had to survive it and hope for good news.

I've been trying to sleep the days away. Time seems to be going extremely slowly as it's been getting closer to Saturday.

Can I just fast forward 6 months from now? So I know what happens, but I don't have to go through it?

One moment... one moment.

Thinking of you tomorrow Scarlet! Really hope it goes well ❤️❤️

Thanks Ana!

I've been trying to distract myself all day: sleeping, watching tv, cooking, cleaning. I've also been concerned about some abdominal pain. I think it's my cyst. But mostly I've been struggling with all my feelings about L and tomorrow. I'm trying really hard not to worry, but my feelings are overwhelming me. We already have a solid plan that I completely agree with. But I'm still having conflicting urges. One moment I think I want to hug her. The next, I want to ghost her. Then I want to yell at her. Then I wonder if I'm being too hard on her. And there's more, too! I feel like a ping pong ball is bouncing around in my head.

I was doing decently on my own. Sure having a therapist would help. But it also hurts. I still wonder if it's all worth it?

Thinking of you today, Scarlet.

Well, that went way better than I expected. Nothing is solved. Feelings are still there. But she listened to me and didn't try to make any excuses. She took all my emotions and seemed to hold them. I cried the whole time. I couldn't bare to look at her until the end. I was so confused about what I wanted in the end and she could tell. She asked me if I wanted to do our goodbye rituals. I told her I was punishing myself just so she wouldn't get any joy. She said she didn't feel any joy and that our goodbye rituals would not make her feel joy either. So I agreed. We said "I love yous" and we gave each other a huge hug. She let me hold her hand and we did two deep breaths before saying goodbye.

I asked her if she thought trust could be rebuilt. She said she didn't want to assume, but theoretically, yes so believed so. She said she's open to learning and changing her perspectives.

I also asked her if she really felt she invested into my good (part of our definition of love) while she was on leave. She said she believes she did. Not that she didn't hurt me or was wrong, but that she wasn't trying to hurt me.

I might not completely trust her anymore, but I think I can trust her to be honest. I don't think she's ever lied to me.

I have a lot to think on. A lot to hold. A lot of decisions to make about next session, our rituals, her being on my safety plan, continuing or not, etc. Is it wrong that today, everything felt worth it? I don't forgive her, but it sure felt nice being heard and being touched.

You have a good t Scarlet. It certainly is worth it. Good job.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad it went better than expected. I hope you can continue to rebuild the connection and trust.

Hugs Scarlet, i'm also glad it went better than expected. I hope so much that you are able to work things out with her.

I'm having a hard time tonight holding onto the BOTH/AND. I love her AND I'm angry at her. I hugged her AND I don't trust her. She's never lied to me AND what she wrote (about little Scarlet and about not needing to keep myself safe) were a lie. She abandoned me AND she's back. I feel attached again AND I'm terrified of her. Good feelings AND negative feelings. It would be so much easier if I could just hate her and leave.

I keep going back and forth from how difficult the leave was to how good today felt telling her I loved her and hugging her. I feel mad at myself, like I'm betraying myself and my experience, by admitting that I love her and taking in the hug. I just can't let go of what I went through.

Are all relationships this complicated or is it just therapeutic ones? Because this is emotionally exhausting. I literally have a migraine from this all.

Well, at least I'm trying. I showed up, I was open and honest with her and myself. I took a step forward and allowed her in. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

I'm proud of you, Scarlet.
You showed up and you allowed yourself to be honest about your experience.
That kind of push-pull is bound to happen when you haven't seen one another for so long.

I hope your next session will bring you more clarity.

Thanks Lost. That means a lot to me.

This morning, still confused with everything, I have hope. I have hope because the connection did come back. It's scary, terrifying even, and I think a good thing. If L and I could get back to something similar that we had before, it would mean so much to me. Somehow and at some point we'd have to work on the dependency piece. And if/when this happens again, we need to find a competent and adequate alternate support. For now, I guess it's a lot of processing and rebuilding trust. I need her to also own her part in all of this, which I don't feel she has yet. I know I need to own my part, too. It feels like there's a mountain in front of me. But I think I'm willing to climb it.

You make some great points, Scarlet.

I think you've laid out a good path for what your immediate future with L might look like.
I wonder whether you could think, and maybe write (for yourself - you don't have to post it here...) about what L owning her part in this might look like.

Know that I'm cheering you on.

Take care,

Lost

This sounds really encouraging, Scarlet. I'm glad you have the hope. Maybe you needed for her to understand and respect your wishes (for things like rituals)? And then when you saw she did, it helped?

I do think what Lost said about thinking on what it would mean for her to own her part. What you'd want from her. It seems like it could be a good discussion. I imagine she'll be willing to do so.

That was really a big part of what made me leave ex-MC--that he wouldn't own his part in what happened. Dr. T has seemed better in owning it lately. It can make such a difference (in any relationship, really).

In my married life I lived a BOTH/AND situation. I was so a angry with my husband I moved out of our home. What he had done broke my trust badly.. I didn't t know if I would ever fully trust him but after an 18 month period apart I thought it was worth try. Over that time we worked on ways to rebuild our marriage. I know he totally trusts me For me though every great on e a d a while I have so.e mistrust a out him but I think k that issue to residual PTSD stuff.

So from my perspective this relationship with L is possible to rebuild....also Scarlett please don't feel like you are betraying yourself feeling to opposing feelings happens i n relationships that are important to us.

Today, I thought a lot about what I want/need from L in order to move forward. I wrote them up in my weekly email to her. I don't feel comfortable sharing as it's very sensitive for me and don't think I could take criticism for it. But I appreciate the idea and encouragement to come up with a list. I'm sure it will help L and she'll appreciate it.

Thanks!

Brilliant, Scarlet!

I hope it helps, Scarlet! And I completely understand not wanting to share here.

I'm hating my feelings for L. I don't want them. I don't want to love her. I want to keep her at a distance. But the cling urge exists. I'm doing everything to fight it. I haven't sent her a processing email. I've been putting it all into my weekly email. I'm holding it, sitting with it. Partially out of respect, but also punishing myself and her. I do not want to just jump back into my attachment. I've been through so much, that that would almost dishonor myself and my experience. And yet, if I'm to be honest, I crave her. It's like a drug. I weaned myself off of her, and now that she's back, my heart wants everything back to how it was before. I still blame her for fostering such attachment and dependency on her. Maybe if we had tighter boundaries, I wouldn't have suffered as much and still suffering now.