I had an extra session with T on Friday because I feel like I'm out of control. Yes, I've emailed him more then once a week when once a week was the schedule. I rarely call him, but did call him Thursday morning because I was upset with what was going on with us.

So, the first thing that happened on Friday's session was that he said that we could go to two times a week. He then said that I cannot email him anymore - okay fair. I had emailed him asking, "Where are you?" He told me that it wasn't good to keep asking him where he is, what he is doing. Actually, I asked him that because he told me that he thinks I carry him with me between sessions. Since I've been so upset, I was asking him, "Where are you?" because I didn't feel him with me. Then he said that the only reason that he should receive a call from me is if I need to be hospitalized. I felt like he had punched me in the face. I've never abused this, in fact I rarely call him. I feel like such a f@#$@ing freak! I started bawling. He asked what I was thinking. I told him that I felt like I was being punished for being so obsessive, or just being me. It hurt so much.

I've been really angry lately, and he told me that he did not deserve some of the things that I said to him (like I told him that he didn't care). I really felt bad. Here is someone who I really care for, who I am upset because he'll never care for me in the same way, -- I just don't get it.

My head hurts so bad from all of this stress. I am ruminating obsessively constantly. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. Work is so stressful, but I have to go and act normal.

I hate being dependent on someone else. He has all of the power. I told him that the only power I have is suicide (just a statement there, I'm not planning on doing this). He told me he is seeing me twice a week because he cares and to focus on that. I realize that I focus on the negative but at this point I can't stop. WILL THIS EVER END?

[Perna]

Oh, Soliaree, I'm so sorry you feel so bad right now.

Any way you can compartmentalize to only think about your T on the days you see him and weekends/times when no one else is around? I use to do that with my therapy; mine was on Fridays so I had the whole weekend to get things "organized" in my head so I could go to work on Monday without being quite as upset.

When you can't feel him, play games with that (since you will see him in a few days) and call him "Waldo" or something, treat him as a "pet" instead of quite a necessity.

He does have power since you want to see him but he wants to see you too, that's why he went to 2x a week. You want to feel better and he wants to help. Don't give him much more power than that; there are lots and lots of therapists. He is like a teacher, you had 15-20+ different teachers. It is only a few years of your long life, there have been important people before and there will be again.

[MissCharlotte]

((((Soliaree))))

I hope that seeing T twice a week helps you to hold on to him better and function better in between.

I am so sorry you hurt so much. Can you treat yourself to something special today? A bubble bath or a movie or a new book?

Take gentle care and know that we care.

Peace

[RACEKA]

Your not alone. I know so much how you feel. I constantly have my T on my mind. I just want to be with him. He just gives me the comfort I never had. I see him once a week. Nothing in between unless it's a crisis. I do feel he's with me all the time and I know he cares. I just keep going over in my head what he says. I do a lot of journaling, even at work. He has all the power and I am very attached to him. I told him how attached I was to him a few sessions ago and I am glad I did. I feel much better about it. I feel I am able to go much deeper now. I am also under a lot of stress and sometimes feel I am going to lose all control. If I make it to see him on Saturday, I feel like I made it home. I ran all the bases all week and now I am safe. On Monday it starts all over again I have to start running those bases again. That's when I have to come out of isolation and deal with unsafe people again.

Your T really cares about you and is working with you. Feel safe and comforted with that. We all need are T's and are dependent on them. That's part of the process. We have to go through the process to get to the other side.

Hugs to you.

(((((((((((SOL)))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

(((( Soliaree ))))

I'm sorry about what happened and how that made you feel so bad

Maybe 2 sessions a week will help you hold on to the good feelings and the feelings that T is real and is there for you even when you can't see him or hear his voice.

[snow123]

I'm sorry its hard at the moment.

hopefully two times a week will ease your hurt.

good luck

[Fuzzybear]

Sending gentle thoughts and positive vibes ((((((((((( Soliaree )))))))))))