Devastation...

Up until 2 days ago I was in a relationship for 2 years with, what I thought, the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Things moved fast with us because we lived together, so we got close very fast. Regardless of how fast things moved, I loved him and we got along so well. We were a match made in heaven.

I began to notice behaviors from him that I thought were odd. He didn't really respond to me when I asked him questions or after I told him how I felt about something we were discussing. He always seemed to struggle for words or remain silent, and it bothered me greatly. He also seemed to get depressed easily and often, and I had no idea why. I talked to him about these issues, and he began to open up to me. He didn't have any large amount of self-esteem and seemed to have social anxiety. He did not feel like he belonged anywhere and really overanalyzed his interactions with others. He also had issues with expressing himself. I attempted to get him into counseling, and he told me he'd do it, but it took almost a whole year until he agreed. I did not want to push him, because as a counselor in training, I know that clients who do not want to be there, usually don't make much progress. Plus, this was a decision he needed to make for himself. So, things got progressively worse, but I was blinded by love, so I thought things were just fantastic. We talked when we had problems and we seemed to work things out. He had a busy semester which he had tons and tons of projects and presentations, so I assumed that is why I never saw him anymore. Apparently, he had been shutting me out because he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me any longer. I continually asked him if he was in this, and if he needed to talk, I was available to him. I even told him I'd rather hear the truth than be led on...

Come to find out, that he did have something to tell me for a long long time and never did. He let me continue the dream I had of us living happily ever after together...allowing me to get more and more caught up in things. He wasn't sure about spending his life with me and he also wanted to fix the many problems he realizes he has now. I can respect that, but leading me I can't seem to get over.

I have suffered a great loss. First, I lost the man I wanted to spend my life with. Second, I lost my best friend. Third, I lost any ounce of comfort I felt in my home because now, we are stuck in the apt. for 6 more months. My whole world is turned upside down. Every morning is like waking up and rubbing salt in my wound. I wake up in an empty bed, tip-toeing around so I won't see him, seeing all the familiar things that remind me over and over again what I have lost.

I am trying to be positive about this and realize that everything happens for a reason. But it hurts so much to lose so much at one time. And it's humiliating to find out you've been lied to and lead on.

I miss him, I do. I want to hold him, spend time with him, laugh with him. But I can't bring myself to even see him because I am afraid it will make things harder for me to get over.

I am deathly afraid on denying my true feelings and telling myself I can get over this, and later I will find out I won't be over it.

I have so many regrets too. We were in a fight the night before we broke up, so I didn't even get to sleep with him one last time or really kiss him. I just wish I could go back in time and really kiss him hard and let him know how much I loved him and how much he meant to me.

I'm having troubles getting through the day without crying, and I have to be professional at work, and productive in my classes. I can't sleep at night, and when I do manage to, I dream about him. I'm sick to my stomach, and I just don't know what to do.
I am fortunate enough to have wonderful friends and family, but it still doesn't take the pain away...

Can anyone give me any advice...

chloepie, hi and welcome! i'm glad you posted here.

i'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now. it's such a loss...i know. grieving for a relationship that you didn't want to end is very painful. i can't imagine having to see him every day with the pain that you're in! that must be horrible.

is there a way that you and he can actively seek someone to take over your part of the rental agreement? if so, please do it all in writing. however, i would strongly suggest that. i can't imagine healing happening as quickly as it could, when you'll be faced seeing him in your home that you shared together as a couple for 6 more months!

i so feel for you and what you're going through. i'm glad you have a good support system...rely on them heavily right now. also, post as much as you want here.

i'm sorry that he didn't have enough of what it took to be honest with you...allowing things to go as far as they did to the point of sharing financials. that was not fair for him to do that. however, if he suffers from depression, he may not have had to "strength" for that type of confrontation. also, he may have blamed his feelings on the depression and thought they would get better when he felt better. whatever the reason, you've been hurt desperately because of it.

i wish you well and am sending wishes full of strength and peace.

be safe,

kimmydawn

thanks kimmydawn!

You made a very good point about his depression. And because I know he has issues, I can respect he needs time to work on them. I believe there were two main reasons he broke it off -
1) He needed time to work on his issues, and having a relationship is tough. Much of the things he wants to work on is feeling like he belonged somewhere besides with me. He wanted a group of friends. Having a sig. other is difficult when you're trying to make friends. Who do you put first??
2) He felt pressured by our relationship to settle down and know what he wants in his life, and he doesn't. Which is ok. He hasn't really had a healthy basis to understand or know what he wants.

Knowing that he has issues makes this easier for me to deal with. I respect that he was able to give up all that was comfortable to him in order to work on himself. That is great! But it also sucks I'm left in the dust.

I have conflicting sides of me: the emotional and rational parts - the part that hurts, and the part that understands.

I appreciate your post. I was seeking something like this out in order to gain support and the ability to talk about my feelings

Let me also add, that I have been reading many of the other posts. I have been thinking a lot about my situation, and I seriously am debating one thing:

Am I mourning the loss of my boyfriend, or the loss of my plan for life?

First, let me just say I will willingly admit to being a control freak. I like plans - they make me happy and less stressed! And finally I had a plan for the rest of my life...to spend it with someone I got along with, was comfortable with, and could laugh with - basically I could spend my life with my best friend.
Living together was fantastic because it was constant company! I had someone to wake up to, go to sleep with, eat with, etc. I was never lonely! Until he started to get really busy. Then I got super lonely and depressed. So the more I think about it, perhaps it was the company he provided and the fantasy of having a plan for life that I miss more than him. I do love him, but perhaps just as a friend? He provided me with so much comfort, as I did for him.

There wasn't much romance, which I would have liked. The sex was good, but my sex drive with him decreased over time...it just seems that all qualities of a romantic relationship were lacking for us. Does that make sense?

Do you think it's possible for me to have been in love with comfort, company, and a plan for life instead of the man himself?

chloepie, your insight is awesome! yes, i do think you're mourning both...the man and the future plans. major jolts to life and plans.

you are so understanding of him and his needs. so, saying that, yes i truly believe that you do love him...romantically so though? no one knows that but you. we do get comfortable with life and what our s/o's role in that life is. focus is on life and dealing with it, s/o's become secondary. that's natural i think over time. i'm not saying that's the way it should be, but that is usually what happens in a long-standing relationship.

my husband and i have been married almost 18 yrs. romance? there's not much. excitement? nah. thrill? what's that? however, there IS love, security, sameness, dependability, strength...the list could go on and on. so, i think the evolving that a mature relationship goes through can be a good thing.

in my rambling, i'm trying to say that i don't think you let your relationship go by becoming settled in it. it seems to me that it was a natural evolving. there are two people that make a relationship, so it's never one person's "fault" when it deteriorates. i wouldn't beat myself up, chloe. you are one caring and considerate person and he was extremely lucky and blessed to have you...he still is...in your understanding.

i pray you quick healing and success.

be safe,

kimmydawn

wow you're smart lol =D

your first post sounded completely healthy and all you needed to do was cry and get over it, it really doesn't seem like there's anything wrong at all with the way you're feeling

what kimmydawn said "you are so understanding of him and his needs. so, saying that, yes i truly believe that you do love him" i also completely agree with, it is quite obvious that you understand love.....

my view on romance is that it is something that can be learned like a skill, alot of people use their skills with the wrong motivation =| There's a big difference between "in love" and "love".

i would be very sad to have romance and no mature love behind it

I was in a similar situation about a year and a half ago, on the male side of it.... but i did not realize I had issues at the time, that relationship fell apart and I got into a new one about 4 months later and this time around I learned there might be something wrong with my head =)

sorry for the pain you're going through :< hope you feel better soon :<

sorry for the double post, just wanted to mention how I think its amusing that you grow up healthy, not understanding the causes and motivations behind an unhealthy relationship and the lines are blurred between what is good and what is bad when you read people doing the same thing for the wrong reasons.

somethign I noticed you said was being in love with blah blah blah, whatever he provided you with, actually yes, before mature love creates emotions associated with true love, people DO "fall in love" with what is being given to them, however you still "love" him along with that. When people say they "fall in love" they are saying "they enjoy the anticipation and experience of constant praise and acceptance" it can be similar to how people would say "i love chocolate" they don't "love" chocolate, do they want the best for the chocolate in the chocolates life endevours.... i think not, what they are saying is "I enjoy what the chocolate gives me". some people like to call it infatuation =p not a bad thing, it can feel good, but if there's nothing behind it then yeah, won't be so good later on ^_^

Dear Chloepie -- I think you are doing a wonderful job of processing all the feelings and insights that go along with grieving a relationship. I am sure that you will continue to know yourself better through this.

I, too, believe that it might be best to find a way to get out of the apartment, and agree that "in writing" is important.

(((((((((((((((((((((Chloepiece)))))))))))))))))))))))

I talked to him last night, and we worked through a lot of our feelings. Right now, I can't afford to live by myself, and moving out of this area I think would be a huge change for me. I don't know if RIGHT NOW I could just leave. We created some ground rules at home last night, such as, when I'm in my room and my door is shut - I want to be left alone. (We have a 2 bedroom apt) But if I'm in a common area, then let's be civil.

I think for a day or two I was forcing myself to be angry because that is the best way I knew to hide the hurt. I used this tactic of being mean and angry for a while to "get over" someone, but I end up being angry for a long long time. This time, I decided I was going to deal with whatever emotion comes my way and really focus on how I'm feeling and deal with this in a healthy manner. My ex does not have anyone else he can really depend on, and I hope there is a point in time where I can be his best friend again. Right now, I told him I want to be civil because living in tension is never fun, and being angry takes so much energy and is really only hiding my hurt that I haven't dealt with.

I explained to him last night I just need to create my own routines that don't involve him so I can move on. He is hoping there may be a time we can get back together. Right now, I am trying to be strong for both of us so that doesn't happen. I need to use the time that was given me to have fun, create deeper relationships with my friends, and live for me. I won't expect to get back together with him, but I won't wipe him out of my life either, because I believe we can be friends (with some time.) I feel tons better this morning, and really feel healthy about this. I am spending most of my evenings with my friends this week to be able to move on in a sense and to start making my life all about me again.

I took down all of our pictures, cleared my room of his things, and gave him back all of the stuff I had of his. He realizes I am moving on for myself and technically for him too. He needs that time to go make friends and work on how he feels about himself.

I feel like things are too easy, but I also know that I will have to still deal with some hurt - I just feel at peace by not telling myself how to feel anymore.

And I think kimmydawn was right. I do love him. As far as being in love with him right now (or even before), I don't think I was. I think we began to get comfortable with each other and that was part of our relationship moving too fast. I know there was a point in our relationship where I was in love with him, but somehow that faded...and I think it was because we lived together and saw so much of each other.

I think this was an incredible lesson and even though I wish this did not have to happen, I realize that sometimes, in order to make a change, you have to hit rock bottom, and I believe that is what he had to do. And I understand that. I believe we both learned so much about ourselves through this, and we can continue to grow separately right now, and I keep telling him, if we're meant to be together later, then it will happen.

Thank you all for your feedback and support. It's so nice to able to really process things here.

Alright, I came upon a realization tonight...as I watched my ex cry last night watching me move on past us, and as I see him tonight moving on...I am starting to realize how he felt last night. I just took pictures down and gave him things back...he's planning trips with friends and going out. Which don't get me wrong, it fabulous because he needs to do that, and I don't act sad about it to him because I don't want to hold him back. I just realize he is moving on too, and I have that fear of being forgotten...I know this is best for him, but I also knew deep down that there had to be a hard part in this...and here it is. I mean, I know why he's planning a trip...1) because WE were supposed to spend that time in Florida with his family, and now he doesn't want to be there without me, and 2) he will be starting his job soon and won't have the luxury of doing things like this. Both understandable and good reasons, but it doesn't stop that pain. I guess things were ok for a while because he wasn't moving on.

I can't think of him being with another girl. I know he told me he couldn't be in another relationship until he works on himself, but it doesn't mean he may not have a meaningless night of sex. Thinking about that bothers me tremendously. I know he needs to do what he's got to do, but it doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt.

I guess I just need to face the fact that whatever happens, happens. And I know he's shy and insecure, so it's not like he's picking up girls where ever he goes. And I know he cares for me...it's just one of those things...it's ok for you not to have him, as long as no one else does :P

I know that's immature, but it's honest. Any advice on how to deal with him moving on? (even though I am too)

Cholepie -- Give it time. Be patient with yourself. Let yourself feel what you feel and move through it. Let the emotions wash over you and past you, like water moving downstream. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Be merciful with yourself. Be patient. Give it time.