Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear D
You believed me! That was huge cause I was so afraid of not being believed. We never discussed DID before and it took a lot of courage for me to bring it up but the way you responded made me feel so accepted. We'll talk more about this next week.

Hi R,

It feels as though we should have had a conversation about making virtual therapy feel safer before we started this time around.

I don't know what I need from you at this point, that you can provide...and that's a weird feeling.

At least I've been able to open up to RC about what I need from her.

Lost

Dear T,

So, which is it: You want what's best for me, even if it would involve me switching to a different T? Or you want what's best for me as long as it wouldn't involve switching from you to R at some point?

Echoes of my mother here...Where, say, she wants me to be happy--but not if it were to involve living far away (not wanting me to do a semester in London because what if I liked it and wanted to stay there?). Like she wants what's best for me, so long as it's on her terms.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I'm glad you reconsidered about R, that you said you would back off and let me decide what I wanted, how it would be OK if I eventually wanted to switch to her. But what meant even more is when I said you were the therapist I'd trust and want to go to if these test results come out poorly, and you said, "I'm not going anywhere." Maybe I just needed to hear that. How even if maybe I were to go to R for a bit, you'd still be there for me.

It's like...you're the parental figure I needed. Where, it's OK if I go out on my own, do my own thing, do what I need, even if it involves rejecting you for a bit, and it's OK, but you'll be there waiting for me to come back to--like a safe landing pad.

Love,
LT

Are you going to be thinking about me in 3 weeks? I know some of your other clients have had surgery. My first one was during the pandemic so therapy was virtual. After the second I was with the creepy therapist. And the 3rd surgery I was in between therapists. So will you be all weird especially since this isnt gender related surgery and its IP? I feel like you are pretty proffesional though.

I got a few fidget toys you suggested I get. I got this squishy cheese thing and a nedo square and some other stuff

Dear T,

Been a rather rough couple days with the weather here. Had a good dinner with H tonight, including some important discussion about ex-MC. But then it took a negative turn when the topic switched to back to D. Now sitting on the balcony by myself, unable to sleep (despite saying I was tired and ready for bed). I thought H and I were on similar pages about D, but in this one particular area--well, OK, two of them, really--we seem far apart. Glad I'll be talking to you tomorrow morning and hoping H will make himself scarce for the hour (or perhaps I will).

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Thanks for the support in this morning's session. I felt the caring from you (and not just when you said "Take care of yourself"), along with the guidance and help in processing some of what H and I discussed last night. I did tell H I wanted to clarify some things he said last night (but didn't want to do that right before spending time with my parents and D).

We did get to go on the beach and in the water for nearly an hour today (and it was sunny!), before the lifeguards made everyone get out of the water. So I'm glad we were able to get that in. I doubt we'll be able to tomorrow with the forecast. They're in the pool now, while I'm taking a bit of a break before I go to dinner with H and D.

Love,
LT

Hi R,

I think this is the most difficult thing you've ever asked of me.
If I didn't know what to say then, how am I supposed to know what I wish I'd said?

I remain frustrated that this is even a question/my reality.

Hoping to be able to make some sense of it before we speak next.

Lost

Dear T,

Thanks for the support today. And for not saying I'm thinking too far ahead. I think you understand that it's not helpful to say something like that right now, when I'm facing the unknown. How it can actually be a coping mechanism to think about what I *can* control, should it come to that. Kinda wish you could go there with me tomorrow (though of course I'd leave you in the waiting room for the actual diagnostic mammogram! That would be sharing a bit *too* much.)

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Your email response made me cry--in a good way. And I hope the health issues you referenced for yourself aren't anything serious....

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I'm glad I saw you in person today--it helped (though I need to never park in that one area again--thought I'd never get out of the parking lot). It was nice to hear you say you were glad I came in, too. Please be safe on your trip.

Love you,
LT

Dear H,

Thank you for your understanding and commitment.
Also...we've been through this.

Steve died. He did not pass.

The brutality of this makes using any other euphemism intolerable.

Speak soon,

Lost