Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I want to switch places

So glad you can state the obvious
And mirror me
And repeat the things because I repeat the things
And wait it out
Until I leave you
I’m sure you are looking forward to that if you even think about it or me at all

I emailed you awhile ago about switching to virtual today since I can't function. So at least send the link before our session.

At least have the receptionist call me and say you can't make it or some shyt. Or maybe I'll call her in a couple hours.

Hi R,

Thank you for confirming that I was right to be suspicious of your silence regarding summer arrangements.

I know there's no good way to do this, but really, giving me four weeks to worry about it isn't helpful.

We really need to talk about your idea of giving me notice...I don't know what my ideal would look like, but it's definitely not four weeks.

You've just frigging come back...can I rest in that security for a minute? Please?

See you next week,

Lost

I don't want you to leave. I feel heard.

Dear T, I wish things could go back to how they were before that day in May; but I know your whole world has been shaken, and things will never be the same. You've continued to work because it helps, and you don't want to let your clients down. I really appreciate the fact that despite what you are going through, you're still there. So I feel kind of ungrateful by saying that something feels 'off'.

I'm trying so hard to feel connected again, but struggling with that. I'm probably projecting, how I'd feel in your situation, and I can't understand how that's not the case for you. Maybe that's where the disconnect is.

How do I get around that, when I can't talk to you about it?

Sent from my moto g85 5G using Tapatalk

Dear RC,

Interesting conversation today about joy.
Strange timing, given everything that's happening in my world.

I see what you're saying, and yet...
There are some things in this experience that are uncomfortable to talk about with you, because they touch on the bit that I still can't understand.

If I could control these anniversaries and not be impacted by them...I'm sure I would.

Witnessing without judgment is one of the guidelines you wrote for your space.

Thank you for giving me the full time this week, though.

I appreciate that,

Lost

Hi R,

Thanks for your understanding today.
You're quite right, I need to give myself permission to feel my way through.



Each of these layers requires its own time and space.

Five sessions left in the same room, though...for now.

I'll need to borrow your calm to speak my truth.

Authenticity is a pain point when it's so obviously linked to Steve's death.

Take care,

Lost

I look at your website all the time because of course. I see you’ve dropped another insurance panel. I wonder what that was like for the clients who had that insurance. I honestly don’t care what it was like for you.

Please if I'm honest about my past please don't say you can't work with me. It'll really be a hard blow for me.

Hi R,

There was so much to talk about today that I didn't mention the other resonance.
Chris would be 58 today if she was still here.

Sometimes it's weird to think about how much grief I've known.

See you Monday,

Lost

Dear t,
Please don't ask how I've been. It's not pretty but I'm safe. I don't want to talk about it. I'm probably going to tell you I don't know. please be prepared and read my file.

Dear T,

Your support helped this morning, so thank you for that. Of course, after the session, I again found out about D causing some issues at her summer program. I don't think it would have changed our conversation really. We can discuss more on Friday. But I appreciated that you were both giving support and suggesting things I could do to make me feel less helpless. I will try to go back out on the beach later (had to finish work first, then am grabbing a late lunch).

Love,
LT

Saw you outside the hospital when I left last night. Felt less alone for about 20 seconds until I realised. I know, I’m crazy.

T,
Please help me.

T,
Thank you for not making me feel worse. I feel better then I did before and look no police came. I'm gaining trust and I don't like it.

Dear T,

I really wish you'd told me sooner that you wouldn't have email access on your vacation. I realized this morning that it will be the longest I've been without email or text access in the 7+ years we've been working together. Even that one vacation where you thought you wouldn't have access, you texted to say you did have access after all. And the timing of the NYT article was just bad... At least you told me that you'd let me know if you had cancer or were going in for a major surgery. But wish you could have shared just a general idea of where you'd be going. Even if it was just like "a cruise somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean." (Guessing cruise with the lack of internet access, as you said you wouldn't be in the wilderness, and my FIL/SMIL are going on a cruise in a couple weeks where they told H they wouldn't have internet access.)

Glad I'll be seeing R a couple times, and she's someone I feel I can talk about this with, too.

Be safe.

I love you.
--LT

Hi R,

I promised myself I'd take this weekend off to prepare myself for having the article out in the world.

Even though I'm trying to do that, I can feel the anxiety creeping in.

Talking with RC tomorrow, and declined her invitation to be in a small group.

It's easier not to start at the beginning at the moment.

Oh, the tenderness...

If you were my transference T i would want you to be concerned about the cardiolgist appointment and the surgery. But I don't try to get your attention. You are different in a good way from other therapists I have

But like this song goes "everythings a piece of everyone."

Dear T,

Total panic attack earlier today. But I made it through.

Love,
LT

Dear R, aka backup T,

Brace yourself! Coming in very triggered tomorrow.

Love,
LT

Dearest RC,

Thank you for giving me another poem.
I love that many of the pieces you've shared can be taken in combination.

I appreciate you reminding me through your sharing that this is big, and it's OK to ask for support.

Knowing what I'm feeling has been a hard road since the moment of impact, but you're right.

Now is the time to get more specific.

In gratitude, as always,

Lost

Hi R,

Now that it's almost here, the timing of this last in-person session for the summer feels like a special kick in the teeth.

Just realised that it's another weird anniversary...wasn't aware that I remembered effing Theatre Newsletter Day.

Also, putting this article into the world has amplified some of those familiar yet unwanted feelings towards him.

I said to my support worker today 'This loss has wrecked my spiritual life.'

That remains true, even though I'm still working on finding ways to rebuild.

I'll bring the clipboard, as weird as it feels to start something like that now.

See you in the morning,

Lost