Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,

Wish I could talk to you right now. Things aren't going well in our house tonight. Glad you're working on the holiday tomorrow, though now sort of wishing I'd made it a 3-session week. Maybe I'll see what options you have tomorrow.

Love,
LT

I suppose this is where the phrase “curiosity killed the cat” came from. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, you shared that username with me on another site years ago.

I think I was hungry to know who you *really* were, not just the side you showed me. I guess that’s a pattern in my life, never really knowing who someone else is.

Ignorance really would be bliss, but it would also hurt like a ***** when you back away from me slowly with no warning. I would always think it was my fault. Sorry we aren’t enough.

Yo, CM

Love that you said I looked good (I can fit into GIRLS’ medium shorts ffs). Do keep encouraging me. You’re the only one who’s said anything about be doing and looking good in months. My doctor’s report in MyChart literally starts off “Samantha looks terrible. She is thin and pale.” I might have gotten sunburn since, I don’t know, but I lost some pounds since that write up. I also love the suggestion to go hike a mountain and go back to dog walking. Thank you for not asking anything about my mental health symptoms and recent behaviors as my case manager from the *mental health center.*

I normally hate you because I think you’re bad for me, but that’s the reason I love you today.

Dear T,

I wish you'd stop telling me I have to get up at regular times. It's extremely difficult for me to sleep right now.

Maybe I’m wrong about everything. I’m so tired and I feel so lonely. I hid from him again yesterday, like a coward.

Dear T,

Now I sort of wish I'd scheduled to see you tomorrow rather than today. As the concert gave me a few insights. Though maybe tomorrow morning, I'll be glad I don't have to go anywhere! And I think the insights need more time to bake anyway. So, I suppose it works out.

I do think it helped give me a bit of "me" time. And I connected with some other people there for a bit. And helped one of them do something she was afraid to do on her own. Maybe I'm like a concert mentor now.

Anyway, home safe now (I did appreciate your telling me to be safe along with enjoying myself when I left session today). We'll talk Monday (assuming nothing goes horribly sideways in the next couple days, which, the way things have been going here lately, isn't outside the realm of possibility.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Yep, glad I saw you yesterday instead of today! Just tired.


Love,
LT

Dear T, I want to use the couch but I'm afraid. Do you ever think of me when I'm not there? Thank you for saying I make you happy when we have a session. It makes me feel loved.

Dear RC,

When I talk about my work life with you, it's an indication that I'm not feeling safe enough to feel.

These are the days when I need to be in touch with what's happening inside me, not just around me.

Can we try again next week?

Take care,

Lost

Dear T , the session Tuesday really killed me. It was very hard not to SI afterward. I am very lucky to have you cause in your office, I feel safe. Not so much when I leave.

You seemed really happy when I asked if you were looking forward to your time off. Idk. I can manage things fine on my own.

Hi R,

I'm feeling very tender today.
It's not even aftermath yet...because I'm still frigging in it.

Your news is another layer, but I can't really tell you that.
I just hope you're right about only being off for a week.

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear T,

It's good to know you don't think you've actually ever been angry with me. I guess my "someone upset with me" trigger is so sensitive, that I read what you called "highly irritated" a couple times as anger. Perhaps your anger meter is nuanced like my love meter is...

And it meant a lot how at the end of session, you said, "LT, D is a really difficult child." How it's not me. It feels like from that and other comments that you're in it with me and empathize. And interesting that you used a couple examples with your son--he sounds very much like me as a child/teen in terms of not wanting to disappoint anyone.

Love,
LT

Dear RC,

Thank you for holding space for me and Little Me today.
It's true - Little Me needed exactly what Steve provided, until he left.

Resting in that truth is hard.

Thank you for offering the safety that you do.

Lost

I have no clue when you'll be back. Just that our appointment is on Thursday. So I don't want to email you and possibly interrupt things.

Dear T,

Thanks for making me feel better about that one thing we talked about regarding D. I hadn't really intended to go there, but it sort of came up. Maybe it was easier in a way because we were virtual?

Love,
LT

I want to talk to you sooooo badly, but I have nothing worthwhile to say. I’m so tired.

Dear RC,

I understand why you would make an educated guess that I might need to talk about Father's Day.

After all the time we've been talking, I am perplexed as to why you would think I'd suddenly want to do that in your presence, alongside a stranger.

There is grief that needs to move, and I don't have the first idea how to do that after all this time.

Holding it together has become a way of life, and I'm not really sure where the threshold is.

I know it's my job to figure that out.

I'm still grateful to you for offering the space - it's just strange when you also offer direction.

If I've asked for it, then yes, of course...

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear T,

It touched me that you were checking on whether I was OK at the end of session. I was emotional on the ride home but calmer now. But I'm still contemplating seeing if you have anything earlier than Thursday. I wish you weren't going out of town for a week Friday. And then again (probably for a bit longer) at the end of July, plus the usual shorter late August/early September one. I guess at least you aren't moving this year...one thing I miss about the pandemic time is that you hardly took any time off, which I'm sure was bad for you, but was good for me...

I do keep thinking about what you said regarding the NYT advice column. And how you commented that I just remember the negative things you said about the walk challenge I did a couple years ago, but I really don't recall you saying anything positive about it at the time. So it threw me that you said today you thought it was a good thing for me and that maybe I could consider something like that again. Maybe it's partly that you only remember positive things (if there were any), not just that I recall negative stuff...

I'll ponder whether to ask about a session, but with your being off Friday, I'm more doubtful you'd have something. I just feel anxious that if Thursday goes weird, that's it for a week (though I do have the R session).

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Glad we can talk tomorrow, though I sort of wish your reply was more the "1pm?" then a like to my saying that worked. But I also know you had a busy day, from what you said, so maybe that was all you had time for?

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Well, if I hadn't requested a session due to stuff from today's session, I might have from tonight with D (and H, but I mostly agree with how he responded to D). So, glad I'm seeing you tomorrow, though unsure what to prioritize...

Love,
LT

Sorry again about drunk texting you last week, L. And part of me wishes I had made the appointment and told you about what's going on with me... but also I don't have the finances at the moment for that. Besides, I feel like you would be extra critical of the love of my life if I told you she's also a therapist...

Hi susannah!!!

I was processing someone’s file in work last night and saw a hand written note attached to a document.

It was from the patients sister in law, asking if there was any chance she could be a surrogate for her as they had many losses. The doctor had replied and told her no. It was written in 1986 just after the first successful surrogate pregnancy in USA so I guess they couldn’t do it here yet. Anyway she never had any children after and I cried in work and I’m too sensitive I know. What’s wrong with me. I love hand written notes.

You may be on email, but I can't explain.
When you implied that I have a choice in how these anniversaries affect me...that was familiar enough to hurt.