Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I should have gotten emergency help a few days ago according to what google said regarding my at home EKG thing. But I haven't even emailed you about it let alone anyone else.

I know you're terminating with more than one client. I know that not all of us are able to follow you to your solo practice. But terminating with me was the hardest, right? TEN YEARS, my dude. Do you talk about me in your own therapy? I know you will miss me. I believe you when you say you will. But how much will you miss me? What will you do with the stone I gave you? I carry the one you gave to me in my purse.

Five more sleeps...

It's hard to know how far into it I can go with other support people.

RC broke ground on that realisation, but facing the reality of it begins between me and you.

Have I ever spelled it out to myself in our sessions?

You would think so, but I don't think I have.

You don't actually know why I haven't been hungry. And now I feel kinda stuck and not sure how to answer your questions. Either way I feel like I wouldnt be being honest.

I thought for sure that today would be the day your office would contact me about scheduling with the new therapist. But the snowpocalypse ruined everything. I'm sure everyone's working remotely today, but it was probably still chaotic with cancellations and moving to telehealth and whatever. Will it be tomorrow? If you can make this happen faster, please do. I miss you. Still can't believe this is real.

Hi R,

Two more sleeps.
It's strange how a different version of a question that I haven't been asked for 10 years can prompt a new layer.

Back when P asked as part of her checklist, I had to train myself not to flinch.

I guess being able to ask that question calmly goes with the territory.

Speak soon,

Lost

Oh no, what have I done? Why did I say all that unpleasant and aggressive stuff? I thought I had worked through these hostile parts sufficiently enough that I don't have to push for a fight in those same old ways. I guess I have more work to do. The danger is that I threaten our work when I behave like this and then I have shot myself in the foot because there is work to be done and no one there to work with me. It's ridiculous. I am ridiculous. Trying to argue with you about something that my ex-therapist said years ago is nonsensical even by my standards.

If it's still impacting you, Comrade...that's your truth.

Dear T,

Thank you for listening today. It feels like you're really invested in D's well-being along with mine. Like you're down in the trenches with me. It means so much...

Also, she's currently playing with the stacking cups I got her, so, win for me! I mean, Santa--yes, Santa.

One other thing: Your comment on that one dream I shared, about the store, was...interesting.

Love,
LT

This is really painful. I hate that I attack you.

Kinda rude of you to randomly start eating a Belvita biscuit as I'm talking about how hungry I've been today.

Dunno if it helps, but a lot of my latest therapy was about what my exT said years ago. My T took it rather well and assured me it's definitely not ridiculous for it to take that long to get over etc. Granted, I hardly ever felt the need to attack her, and very rare times I did she set very firm boundaries around it while still engaging with the core problem.

Well,

I've just discovered that my laptop camera is kaput as far as MS Teams is concerned.
Works in Zoom, but you were having issues with that the last time virtual sessions were on the table.

Glad that I know that now, rather than finding out whenever I need to work with you online.

Dear T, It was a very tough session yesterday I'm tired today. Also I'm relieved that I can trust you with the hard stuff I deal with every day. I hope you have a great weekend

Dear RC,

I heard what you were saying tonight, and it was hard to hear.
Every time you (or anyone, for that matter) talk about choice, the Critic digs me in the ribs.

This hurts. I did not choose this.



What do we do with that?

Love,

Lost

Dear T,

I'm such a failure when I'm triggered by OCD stuff. I'm sorry. I really am trying, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Love,
LT

This is really hard. I appreciate you offering so much, but that in itself is overwhelming. And it's painful when I refuse it because parts of me want those things desperately, especially when I am in this area of work. I know you know and that helps.

What was it like to see me yesterday? What was it like to hear me swear in shock and distress at seeing you? What is it like to have someone else in my usual standing appointment slot?

Dear T,

I think I made the right decision in switching to Thursday, at least in the sense of not seeing you today for a third day in a row. We'll see how I do seeing you Thursday instead of Friday, I guess--practice for when I go to twice a week?

Also, I thought maybe you'd get back to me about R's availability while you're away this morning, but guess you're just telling me tomorrow. Or you hadn't heard back by your email window.



Love,
LT

Dear RC,

Inspired by our conversations, I've often returned to Francis Weller's ingredients for dealing with grief:


Your remark about me having a choice in this wasn't exactly judgment-free.

The last thing I want to do is impact you in discussing this, and I wish that you would let me know if I am.

My work with you feels important in terms of comprehending Steve's fears around coming out...and that feels significant in the context of his death.

Navigating another change in my support system soon, so I would like to continue speaking with you...as long as that's OK.

Take care,

Lost

Well L, it's taken a good bit of time, dang close to an entire YEAR, however I've nothing left but good feelings about you and our work together. With much intention, I am holding onto the good (and there was a lot!) and letting go of the rest.

All good things must come to an end, as the saying goes. Chaucer? I can't remember. Anyhoo.

Love,
Artie

p.s. maybe I'll run into you in Costco again one of these days.

Today was a lot for me to handle.

Thank you for showing me that you can sit in the reality of this with me, no matter how long it's been.

Dear R,

Glad I'll get to see you while Dr. T is away in a few weeks. It's been since August, so it will be good to see you again. Seems like my sessions with you are usually productive, so hope these will follow suit! (Wonder what book I'll end up buying as a result? And this is a good prompt to finish the last one you suggested to me.)


Love,
LT