[Mouse_]

ON monday I was talking about how I felt I wanted to detinate myself and the world. T said what is stopping you? I was stopped in my tracks when she said that. I was certain up until that point that was what I wanted too do. T then said that though I was talking about detinating myself and the world, my voice didn't portray that rage, that I was saying it in a very quite small voice. I've been thinking about it ever since, thinking that rage inside me somewhere was the one talking about the blowing up of myself, but I refuse to really acknowledge it, to let it out completely instead I let it out in little bits which really isn't getting me anywhere. T takes a week off next week, I refused to admit that I am angry at her yet again because I guess I feel If I get angry at her and blow her up I will be alone which I realise is the basis of my anger when she isnt there, that I feel its her fault that I have to fear being alone, if she never went away Ii'd never have to face this aloness. But as I wrote about this last night I realised that I can't be as alone as I felt as a child, I have a grown up life now with my own family, so tthese feelings are from the past, yet again, sigh, but it feels easier to feel its T thats the cause of this and not the past, I guess thinking its T I then feel I can do something about it, get T to see things my way and stay with me LOL, but if its the past and already happened then all thats left is to finally face the fact that I was once frustrated and alone and afraid and angry and thoug writing it is so simple, actually going there emotionally and re experiencing it is so much more difficult. I played out a session last night where I allowed myself to tell T to %#@&#! off, and I allowed myself to not really like her so much, at first that felt scary because I felt I had killed the only thing that could save me, but after awhile it helped be balance the feelings because I know I dont hate T completely, but it was quite freeing to explore this side also. I think I have tried to keep the negative feelings down incase they were real and I did kill T, but I know now that I don't hate her completely and that helped make her more human. Perhaps now I need to start talking with her about how it would be if I disliked her.

[Perna]

It's not logical. I think it is great that you want to blow things up the same time your T is talking about not going to be there for a session; my T had to tell me many many weeks in advance so I could get to that. I was always "fine" at first but then I'd go out after a session, see her car and want to slash her tires Another time, it took a week but I was driving along and started thinking of switchblade knives. Very startling since I've never handled one, would no doubt get hurt trying to use it; all I know about switchblade knives I learned watching West Side Story, LOL!

I don't think you're afraid to be angry. I think you are quite brave; I know about the molten lava inside that you aren't letting out. You have to be strong and brave not to let it out because you don't really want to hurt T. Can you practice saying to T one of these times (with a bit of feeling :-) that you don't want her to go away? Sharing that together is an interesting thing. The pressure of the odd symbols of anger all the time lets up some if you can literally tell her you don't want her to go. Telling her doesn't change the reality, she'll still not be there the next week :-) but it allows for sharing the misery and anger and you know she knows and you don't have to use such extreme symbols as bombs and blowing up, etc.

((((((((Mouse))))))))))
What a good point you made about being able to control T in the here and now as opposed to things that happened in the past. That really makes sense to me!

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Perhaps now I need to start talking with her about how it would be if I disliked her.

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Maybe you don't dislike her, but you're just disappointed with her? (I don't know, I'm just guessing) I've learned lately that the goal is to be able to hold differing feelings for the same person instead of idealizing them/devaluing them. I think it's difficult for people who have intense feelings, you know?

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get T to see things my way and stay with me LOL

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I hear you on this one! I keep thinking, If only I could be like ______, he would care for me like a family member, etc.
If only I could get ahold of his timer, I could have more time in session, LOL.

I'm here, Mouse. You are not alone.

[Mouse_]

Perna, My heart jumped when you said talk to T about me not wanting her to go away, geez, thats scary, and it makes me feel even more angry because I am afraid to talk about how I will miss her, I think I need to do this tomorrow.

Soliree, you are right, I think its not dislike as much as disappointment and how do I deal with disappointment? I feel angry.

Mouse,
I'm right where you are so, unfortunately, I don't have the answers. The anger comes from being hurt My T told me to just sit and notice the feelings of anger, don't avoid them. It is a part of mindfulness. However, it is quite difficult, at least it is for me. I'm told that once you learn to feel the anger and think to yourself that even though you feel this, you're okay, that it gets easier. If you fight the anger, like I do, it makes it more fierce. Ughhhhhhhhh. I know how you feel. ((((Mouse)))))

[Mouse_]

LOL I dont want to get anymore fierce LOL!

No, LOL. For some reason, I can't help but fight my anger. It makes me so angry, LOL. I definitely don't suggest it! I'm working on it, though. Take care

[chaotic13]

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Mouse said
T then said that though I was talking about detinating myself and the world, my voice didn't portray that rage, that I was saying it in a very quite small voice.

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I have this problem a lot. I will tell T that I am really angry. Once I even sent her an email after a session say that I apologize for raising my voice or using the f-bomb too much. When she saw me the next session she said something to the effect of "You were angry, I didn't get that signal from you." "You said you were angry but you displayed no body language or voice inflection to go along with the statement.." I was floored by these comments because, inside I was very angry and I had felt that my expression of it may have crossed the line of appropriate. It was just an other indication that what I'm feeling and what I project to others is not consistent. For me I think this is because I am afraid to show in appropriate emotions. As a child I had a serious problem with managing my angry outburst and was punished for it. My parents were good behaviorist so, I guess they were able to extinguish my anger response.

[Mouse_]

Just had my last session for a week. I felt myself sititng feeling annoyed that the only way to get through this is to talk about it with T. I managed eventually to raise the topic of the break and felt my throat hurting as the anger went through my body. I told T that I refuse to get angry and give her satisfaction, though I knew this was maddness but I couldn't stop myself feeling it.

T said what would happen if you allow yourself to be angry? I said that I get to feel all the hurt and anger and she gets to get the break!! Then I sat quite and really wanted T to rescue me here, but she sat quite too, and finally as I realised I'm paying for therapy and its my recovery, I forced myselt to explore somemore and surrended to her, though this is only my maddness telling me I am surrending to her, and told her that I don't want to get angry and destroy her because I have nothing left in my life that I can hold onto and love if I do this. As I said this I realised thats how it was as a child when adoptive mum wasnt there for me in some way and I would have to learn to love her and keep on loving her because there was no one else.

At this point I said to T, oh dear, this isn't about you is it? T said, no its about all the times you didn't get what you needed. I said but it hurts, I don't want to hurt, T said it seems by not allowing yourself to be angry, you are left with hurt which you have hidden by using anger ot cover it.

I remembered then and couldnt believe I had forgotten how all those times as a child hating mum but having to forgive her all the time, how did I forget that??? how did I get rid of those feelings then? I guess we just swallowed hard and forgot.

Gradually today during session, I managed to make a big inroad and seperate T and the past. All those times we didnt get what we needed must have been awful as children.

Phew I feel ok right now. OH and T said its ok to be angry wiht her and the room, It will still be there if I do. I said I can't tell you how much at a deep level I truely believed that I could destroy you and make you disappear if I got angry. I really needed to hear her say those words today, I think she may have said them before, but I wasn't ready to hear them then.

[lauren_helene]

Here is a comment from my T about anger.

"Anger is pain that hasn't been felt or worked through yet". Seems like he might be simplifying our pain but he isn't.

It is so hard to sit with the pain.

[Perna]

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Mouse_ said:
At this point I said to T, oh dear, this isn't about you is it? T said, no its about all the times you didn't get what you needed. I said but it hurts, I don't want to hurt, T said it seems by not allowing yourself to be angry, you are left with hurt which you have hidden by using anger ot cover it.

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Oh! Good work Mouse and T!

[sunrise]

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Mouse_ said:
Phew I feel ok right now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Sounds like you really worked this through, so now the anger is gone. (At least in the short term...) Hope the break from T passes quickly for you. (((mouse)))