I noticed that I can't look at T at all. I mostly look at the floor but occasionally glance over to see what he is doing. When he catches my eyes, I look away.

Do you look at your T? Or elsewhere?

[RozG]

This may sound a bit strange but I always take dark shades along incase I suddenly feel too self-conscious. Might sound weird but works for me.

[sunrise]

I look at my T except for when I am telling him something shameful that is hard to share. Then I look at the ground. I just cannot help it. Why is it so hard to look in someone's eyes when you are ashamed?

I can look in her direction but when I'm / we're talking about something difficult I look down at my knees, the floor, or my hands while I'm fiddling with something - usually a hair tie or a pillow.

[Kiya]

same for me as sunrise and stormy... and when i am dissociating - then i lose t in the black and white and have to look at the room or the pattern in the rug to bring me focused.

[chaotic13]

That's funny, often when I have something difficult to say I force myself to make eye contact and say it. Although it is more like I look right through her. I guess its kind of a way to show false confidence when feeling weakened. She has likely figured this out by now but less receptive people don't.

I'm also the type of person who gets to a party and sees someone that I really dislike. Instead of attempting to avoid them the whole night. I walk up shake his/her hand say a few pleasantries then move on quickly. Kind of like, let's get this over with quick, sweet and using my script.

[Mouse_]

Its funny the first yr I looked at T quite a bit, but as the work got more personal, deeper I found impossible to look at her. Nowandagain I look at her maybe once a session.

[MissCharlotte]

I look at him and then look away. There is a silk screen painting on the wall that I imagine all sorts of things about.

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or the pattern in the rug

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OHHH Kiya I am a "pattern on the rug person" too. I was just discussing this with T the other day. Over the holidays my little niece (4) was hiding under the dining room table because she was overhwhelmed with all the people at her grandma's house. I knew just what she was doing and I sat down on the floor and asked her which was her favorite flower on the rug pattern. Then we had a whole conversation about it.

[Perna]

We were in a tiny room but it had a couple windows and nice outside I could escape to (one reason they take windows out of elementary schools now :-) but by the last couple years of therapy I didn't have trouble looking at my T "normally" and where I sat was facing away from the window anyway.

I hated worse my sense of distance, how near or far T was from me; that was more complicated for me than looking/not looking.

[ECHOES]

I look all over the place, in the room at the floor, the toy shelf, my foot, out the window, but I do look at her and I like to.

[chaotic13]

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Perna said:
I hated worse my sense of distance, how near or far T was from me; that was more complicated for me than looking/not looking.

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Physical distance is definitely something I am acutely aware of while in therapy. I still sit close to the door as far away as possible without making it an obvious issue. I am very happy that my T seems to respect this distance, even when she gets up for some reason.

[ECHOES]

Perna said: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I hated worse my sense of distance, how near or far T was from me; that was more complicated for me than looking/not looking.

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It's odd, sometimes I feel like we are so far apart, farther than we really are, and other times it feels like we are closer, closer that we really are. I feel this in session and afterwards. And several times when thinking of the session, I've see T on the opposite 'side'; she sits nearly across from me but to the right a bit, and I've pictured her on the left. One time it was a true mirror image where I saw her as being on the left and writing with her right had although she is left-handed.

kooky

[Kiya]

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MissCharlotte said:
OHHH Kiya I am a "pattern on the rug person" too. I was just discussing this with T the other day. Over the holidays my little niece (4) was hiding under the dining room table because she was overhwhelmed with all the people at her grandma's house. I knew just what she was doing and I sat down on the floor and asked her which was her favorite flower on the rug pattern. Then we had a whole conversation about it.

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nice you could connect with your little niece that way, too!

Perna - that reminded me, too - with my old t - i was constantly staring out the window. She finally asked me if I was out in that tree out there... i was shocked that she knew that - clearly i was not the only one!

[onlymedid]

I ALWAYS bring my hat so I can pull it down over my eyes and I stare at the floor. I usually play with my watch or my pants bottom with my leg crossed. I never look at her when uncomfortable, but if I am having an "ok" day I can look at her sometimes.
Most of the time it's looking at the floor.
Sometimes I pull my sweatshirt hoodie over my head, too. Anything to hide as best I can.

BJ

[Brian37]

my T has a small room....I'm less than 3-4 feet from her and I always make eye contact.....no windows in the room either....when I get nervous I grab a pillow and hold it, but I have never felt scared to look at her....her smile warms me

[splitimage]

I can look at my T no problem, unless she asks me a really hard question that i have to go deep inside to answer then I stare into a corner, but I'm not really seeing anything.

--splitimage

[jbug]

I don't look at my T. Its usually at the floor or at the pile of games under her table. I noticed the other day that she has clocks on all sides of her room and I asked her about that. I also have asked her about other stuff she has stashed about her office. I look at her shoes too. The only way I know what she looks like is I take a peek at her when she is coming out of her office to get me.

I like this thread because it makes me feel less stupid for not looking at my T.

Jbug

[Dinah]

When I first started therapy, I looked at the rug, or at his shoes. I knew every crease on every pair of shoes he wore. But never did I look at him.

Later, when we went deeper, I closed my eyes a lot, because I could see him better with my eyes closed.

Now I know him so well and am so comfortable with him that I mostly look at him because I can see him just as well with my eyes open.

When I'm upset and trying to distance myself, or when I'm angry, I look out his window. And those few times when I've told him something that made me not want him to see me, I've been known to let my hair fall across my face, or slide my chin into my shirt, or put my hands over my face, or even on one occasion to bury my head on my lap. That didn't work out too well since he couldn't hear what I said into my legs and I had to repeat it.

When I am talking, I stare at the bookcase.

When he is talking, I stare into his eyes.

When there is silence, I typically look at the bookcase, his shoe, or lately, I have taken to getting up and going over to the window to look out.

When I am in a dissociative-type state (which happens at some point during every session nowadays), he will constantly say, "Stay with me. Look at me," and point to his eyes. I try, but unconsciously, I find myself looking away again and again. He will then call me back to look into his eyes.

I try to look at him as much as possible because his expressions and non-verbals tell me a lot. Plus, it's a beautiful thing to hold eye contact with someone in an intense moment of understanding, so I don't want to miss out on that.

[Kiya]

Pink - "I try to look at him as much as possible because his expressions and non-verbals tell me a lot. Plus, it's a beautiful thing to hold eye contact with someone in an intense moment of understanding, so I don't want to miss out on that."
THat's really brave.
I do like you when she's talking - i look right at her... but when i talk i'm all over. I do study her shoes a lot... or try not to look at her knobby knee that she doesn't seem to know exists between her kneehighs and her skirt when her legs are crossed. lol

[sunrise]

Kiya, your T wears knee highs with her skirt? That sounds like how I used to dress in third grade. (Is she an adult?)

No, I don't look at all. I might sneak a look if I'm fairly sure he isn't looking at me - but I am scared for us to look in each others eyes.

I usually look at his shoes. Or the rug. Or my hands on my lap.

I think it is about shame. Scared of what I might see on his face if I look. Pretty sure I'd blush if we had eye contact.

I'll look him in the eyes and say 'hello'. But two people alone in a room sitting across from each other... Me talking about hard stuff (really hard stuff). I need... Some space from him, I think. Eye contact would be too much.

I think it is partly about my trying to regulate my emotions. Out of hyper-arousal.

Not as often as I should, but a lot more than I did when I first started. Then I could barely look at her at all. I find it hugely embarrassing to be there and to be talking about things most of the time. When I'm feeling like that, there is no way I can make real eye contact. Sometimes I'll look in her general direction, but sort of unfocus/blur my eyes, so I'm not really seeing her. Hopefully this will get better as I start to trust her more.

I thought one of the earlier poster's comments was interesting that they can make eye contact when they're sort of putting on a brave front. I do that too. If I'm angry I can glare right at her. It's when I'm being vulnerable that I have much more trouble with it.

[Lenny]

Of course,,if there is any time to pull the blankets off ones head,,it is here.

Change takes courage and from what I have read here there are many couragous souls walking these halls.

Lenny

[Perna]

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sunrise said:
Kiya, your T wears knee highs with her skirt? That sounds like how I used to dress in third grade. (Is she an adult?)

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We had a friend of the family, a woman in her 60's+ who dressed that way (and they were white kneehighs at that :-) but with the addition of a short mink coat! Really bizarre combination.