[Rio_]

I probably shouldn't be posting this now, since I'm tired and will probably miss out things, but I'm going to try.

So, for those of you who don't know, I was in therapy between November 2006 and April 2007 for issues with compulsive hair-pulling, a trauma in my past and social anxiety. (Not that I ever got any diagnoses.) My parents weren't happy about it - well, my mum was at first, and my dad grudgingly agreed, but as time went on they'd start asking me when I could see him less often, if I felt I really needed to be there, what I was talking about in session...eventually they "asked" me if they thought I should make the next session my last.

I agreed because I didn't trust myself to disagree and stay calm, but in the email I sent to my therapist I told him it was my parents' idea that I should quit, and I didn't want to just yet. However, when I got to the session, near the start he told me "this will be our last session" - no "what do you think?" or "do you agree?" or anything! I was too stunned to say anything, so that was our last session. I haven't been in therapy since.

There have been times since then when I've considered going back (not to him, to someone different...if I could find anyone), but there are various reasons I don't want to:

- I don't want to go through the hassle of finding someone, finding time inbetween lectures and studying and orchestra, only to have it not work out again.

- My parents finding out. There's no way I'd be able to keep it from them (I'm a terrible liar, and they can usually tell when I'm hiding something), and I'd probably end up having to ask them to pay for it, unless I went through the university (in which case they'd kick me out after ten sessions, if I read the website correctly). If I did go back, it'd just reinforce their belief that therapy doesn't actually do any good - why didn't it work the first time?

- There were times when I wondered if I should have actually been there. My parents obviously thought I was fine, my therapist seemed pretty keen to get rid of me, there were sessions where I didn't have a clue what to talk about...I don't want to waste anyone else's time. And, I do seem to function pretty well - I know I come across as nervous and quiet, and one of my friends here has witnessed a near-panic attack of mine when something similar to "my" trauma came on the news, but I don't usually hide from people any more, and most of the time I can believe that my friends actually like me, even if I can't always understand why. (One of the things we never really worked on in therapy, and one of the reasons I sometimes think about going back, is self-esteem - I don't exactly have much of it. )

Anyway, I'm not sure there's really much of a point to this thread, seeing as I seriously doubt I will be going back to therapy in the near future...but I guess I'd just like to hear other people's thoughts. Has anyone here had an ending similar to mine, and if so how did you get over it?

[Perna]

Your school doesn't have a counseling department? Mine did and I started there in my 3rd year of school. It didn't cost anything and my parents didn't know, etc. You might look at what support your school offers, see if it has anything that might help.

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Perna. There is a "counselling and advisory service", but I checked the website again and it seems they do indeed kick you out after ten sessions:

Including initial consultation sessions, individual contracts will involve up to a maximum of 10 sessions at the end of which both you and your counsellor will review the experience and conclude the work or discuss other possible options.

Due to resource constraints the service cannot provide open-ended individual counselling. Where this option is considered the most appropriate your counsellor will provide information on external agencies which may be able to offer this.

For all I know, I might not even need that much, but feeling "I have to fix myself in ten weeks" would put a lot of pressure on me, I'm sure. I can see why they don't offer open-ended counselling, though.

[Perna]

But it might be a good resource, you could at least "recover" from the bad end and figure out a plan on where to go next? I didn't really get into therapy until I was living on my own (as I don't think my parents wouldn't have considered therapy at all for me) but having a few different experiences in school, etc. with it helped me get a better understanding of how it could work and what I might like? I don't think they'll let you get so deep that you have trouble ending after 10 sessions, it's probably "structured" in some way. I'd go just to get access to the extra information of what I should do in the interim of being able to afford what I wanted.

[unpredictable]

I agree with Perna. I'd go just to seek guidance as to what kind of therapy or counseling may be helpful. They can give you an idea of what type of help would benefit you and what other resources are available. Plus they can help you with any fears about seeking further help and how to deal with your parents. If you look at it as an opportunity to get some objective opinions about your circumstances and what would be most beneficial than you don't even need to worry about trying to get in depth or needing longer.

In ten sessions they could easily help you figure out what you need, how to get it, and how to overcome the fears you've talked about.

[Rio_]

Thanks, Perna and unpredictable. Well, if you put it that way... That does sound like a good idea - there's probably a waiting list, but I could give it a go when I'm done with orchestra rehearsals (there's no way I'd have time before then).

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Rio,

Just thinking about this and I believe that if you want therapy you should continue. It sounds like you have issues you would like to work on. So, maybe you could use the school's counseling service--not as your personal therapist--but as a service to help you figure out a new therapist and what kind of therapist you need!

They can also problyl help you figure out how to budget and tell your parents.

Good luck.

[sunrise]

Rio, I think going to the university therapist for 10 sessions or less and working on a defined problem could be helpful, and help lead you to a solution with a longer term therapy with a different provider. It seems like a stumbling block for you toward getting into therapy is whether to tell your parents, how to deal with their reaction, and how to get the therapy paid for. I think these issues could be worked on with the short term university therapist, who could help you come up with an action plan that will work for you.

What kind of insurance do you have? Will it pay for therapy? Or is therapy not covered at all or only partially? Maybe these questions don't apply since you are in Scotland. I'm just wondering if you could at least pay partly the cost of therapy, perhaps reimbursing your parents or paying the therapist directly.

I think it is important that you solve the issue of how to handle your parents. If they think that therapy doesn't work because you need to go back, explain to them that is not the case. If it is important to you that they not hold these negative views of therapy and you, then set them straight. And if they still don't believe you, well, you tried, and move on. I know that's very hard to do, but is part of the process of separating from your parents, and I think this kind of thing would be right up the alley of a university therapist used to working with young adults.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
when I got to the session, near the start he told me "this will be our last session" - no "what do you think?" or "do you agree?" or anything! I was too stunned to say anything, so that was our last session.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Rio, I have always remembered your story because it was right around the time that I got my teenage daughter to begin seeing a therapist (in March 2007). There are times I wonder if therapy is helping her and if she should quit, and there are times she has told me she wants to quit. I keep your story in the back of my mind, as I don't want to force a similar painful situation on my daughter. Things are going pretty well with her therapist now, she doesn't tell me she wants to quit anymore, and I believe she is benefiting. I do wonder sometimes when will this end? How will it become evident when it should end?

[Rio_]

Thanks, MissCharlotte. I think that's probably the best way to go.

[Rio_]

Thanks, sunrise. Yep, I'm beginning to think so as well. And you're right there! Although cost may not be as much of an issue as I thought - I had a look round various therapy websites round here, and it seems quite a few will either reduce their fees for students/unemployed people, or else they don't charge quite as much as my previous therapist anyway. (Although some of them look really expensive! )

I don't think the insurance thing happens here - there's a choice of either an NHS therapist or a private one, in which case you pay them directly. Like I said, though, this might not be as much of a problem as I thought - it's possible I'd be able to pay for most of all of it myself.

I think so too, and like you say the university probably has experience with it.

I guess one problem I didn't really mention before is that a lot of the time I don't think I'm "bad" enough or "worth" fixing. It's easy when I'm having a hard time to think "I need help!" but when I've recovered it's hard to get that feeling back, and I think that might be one of the reasons I was sometimes at a loss for what to talk about in therapy.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I do wonder sometimes when will this end? How will it become evident when it should end?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> That's a good question, and to be honest I don't know the answer. Have you talked to your daughter's therapist about it? I'm not sure if there'd be confidentiality issues with that, though.

[Rapunzel]

Rio, I struggled for a long time with when I was doing badly I wasn't able to make any progress, but when I felt better I didn't feel like I needed or deserved help. It's when you are feeling better that you can be helped the most. I agree that if you feel you have more work to do in therapy, you should be able to get more therapy. You are worth it. Maybe when you are having a bad time, or when you remember it, you could write it down so that you can work on it when you are feeling better.

[tulips30]

Rio, I don't have any "solutions" other than what has already been posted. I just wanted to say that your post touched me. You have a kindness and peaceful nature that comes thru to me. I feel empathy for you and wanted to tell you that. I think you deserve to find somebody that you can talk openly with and trust. I'm sorry that your parents don't seem to understand the value of therapy or that the process of building a relationship of trust with a therapist takes time. I am sending you a prayer and good wishes.

tulips

[Rio_]

Thanks, Rapunzel. I hadn't really thought about it that way before, but I guess it makes sense...I tend to clam up when I'm feeling upset, if I can't trust myself to speak without crying. (Which fortunately doesn't happen too often, but I know it's frustrating for anyone who's trying to help - it's frustrating for me, too!) Thanks. Journaling's a good idea - I did use to keep a diary, but I gave up after getting to uni because I didn't have time...I kind of miss it, though.

[Rio_]

That's ok, thanks tulips. That's kind of you to say. It would be good if I could...I'm not a particularly open person, so it wouldn't be easy, but hopefully I'll be able to at least try. Thanks.

[Rio_]

Gah! In theory, I now have enough time to do this, and in theory, this Thursday I would have a good opportunity to go visit the counselling service at uni, but I still keep thinking up reasons why this would be a bad idea.

- I don't have much time left this semester - I may have left it too late. I wouldn't be able to keep going over the Easter break (in two weeks) without my parents finding out, and I wouldn't be able to go for a month over the summer holiday because we'll be going away. Even if my parents did know and accept it, it wouldn't be easy coming here each week while I'm at home. Especially since I'm meant to be finding a job again.

- If I did keep going over the summer, though, and carried on until next year, one of my best friends (who I'll hopefully be staying with next year) would inevitably find out - you can't keep that sort of thing from people who live with you. I have no idea how she'd take it - I've never told anyone in real life outside of immediate family before, and the subject of mental health has never come up with her or my other best friend here (who I'd probably end up having to tell as well, in case she ended up hearing it from my other friend anyway). I know it's easy to say "if they don't understand, they're not true friends", but I didn't really have any friends last year at school and I don't want to go back to that.

- I don't know if I'd be able to keep it from my flatmates I'm with at the moment either, actually.

- It adds another complication to flat hunting for next year, if I have to find somewhere where I'd be able to get to therapy in addition to uni. (We're already on quite a tight budget, or else my friend may not be able to afford it.)

I don't know...it seems so simple - go to the uni counselling service, and they'll suggest options for longer term therapy - but it just seems like there are so many complications, I'm not sure it'd be worth it!

[Rapunzel]

You can always find complications if you look for them. They will always be there. Is it worth it to you to give it a try and work your way through the complications, or would you rather keep on the way things are. The choice is all yours.



Rap

[sunrise]

It does sound complicated, Rio. I hope you can find a way to make it work. A lot of people these days do go for counseling. Are you sure your flatmates would have a problem with that?

[Rio_]

Thanks, Rapunzel and Sunrise. I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided it'd probably be best if I wait until after the summer. That way, I know where I'll be living, I won't have to worry about telling my current flatmates (I'll still have to tell my friend, but you never know, she might understand...she was really nice about it when I got freaked out by a news report in front of her, although I think I might have scared her a bit ), and there won't be any major gaps other than Christmas holidays. The issues that are making me think about therapy have been around for a while (especially the self-esteem), and I'm not really in any kind of crisis at the moment - a few more months shouldn't hurt.