[happyflowergirl]

Okay, I have been seeing my 2nd therapist now for over 7 mo. now, and we are getting to the heart of the matter on things. Well on my drive there (about 7 min) I begin to get all teary and emotional and by the time I pull in to park, I am outright crying. I have to regain composure before I go into the waiting room.

My T said a few weeks ago, he doesn't want me to get so agitated before therapy, but I can't help it. It is like the Pavlov dog thing where when the dogs hear the elevator or the bell they start to salivate. I get close to my T's and my eye's are salivating.

The night before I feel so uneasy because therapy is really getting to the nitty gritty. I know I need to go, but I can't stop crying on the way there. Then I am crying though out the session too.
All this and from a girl who doesn't cry, who didn't cry for my old T for 2 1/2 years until the very end when he made me upset and I fired him.
What is it? Am i making up for lost time?

[Perna]

What are you thinking of before therapy that has you crying so? I'm reminded of when I was going to have my first tooth pulled at the dentist, I was ten and didn't understand and was afraid and thought it would hurt.

I suspect you're anticipating and I would try to change my thinking so it is a good anticipation (of getting better in a specific way or the thought your T might say something helpful or comforting; or think of something you'll be doing later in the day (good meal, getting to bed if you're tired, favorite show on television, etc.)).

[Rapunzel]

I get very nervous before therapy. It often starts the night before, or even earlier than that. Then on the drive there, I keep getting more nervous. I listen to books on tape on the drive to try to have something to focus on. Sometimes I listen to music that gets me more in touch with my emotions, because I tend to numb out too. You might be able to use music that calms you or makes you happy. Take your time and be especially gentle with yourself on the day you go to therapy. It's hard enough already.

[Kiya]

i do better now, but for the past 4 years, as soon as i got within a 10 mile radius, all coherent thought went out of my head. I still dissociate some with the new t before i even get there. then i typically have a long wait because she's always late.
i ought to try the book on tape thing - between the 35 minute drive, and the 30-45 minute wait... i could get a lot of books in.

[ECHOES]

I get anxious and fearful before most of my sessions.

I think this might be something very interesting for you and T to explore. See if you can notice how this works with you, when it begins and what thoughts are there about it, how it progresses or stays in place, fears that might be there.

Your mentioning your old T sounds like there is a connection there to that experience and I think you are on to something there.

Most often when I take a look, it is my fear of losing T and it might even be combined with my fear of needing her too.

[Dinah]

My therapist is my safe place. A lot of times I don't even realize I'm upset, because I wear a layer of calm over it. But when I hear his voice on the phone, or walk into his office and sit down, I feel safe to feel how I really feel. To not put on the calm front that lets me get through the day. It's a good front. A lot of times I don't even notice it's there, and that gets me in trouble sometimes because I don't realize I'm upset.

But for me, it only lowers once I'm in his office (not even in the hall), or when I hear his voice on the phone. Before I see him, I work to get in a deep, centered space. Maybe you feel safe as you're going to see him instead of once you're there. Maybe you feel safe enough to feel.

That's just my experience, and it may not be yours.

[Twinks]

Happyflowergirl,

When I first started seeing my T about 3 1/2 years ago I didn't cry either.
I had learned never to cry as a child because if I did , the wrath would come down even harder,

After a few months with my T, I found myself crying right after our sessions.
Then I started allowing myself to cry just a little bit in front of him, but I fought myself not to.
I didn't know how to regulate crying, it felt out of control to me.
When I stopped fighting it I found that I could cry without self destructing and get relief from it.

I think it is good that you can cry now. I cried reading your post because I understand all the emotion that needs to come out so you can heal. Don't fight the urge to cry before your session. Maybe your heart is learning to regulate crying like mine did.
Take care.
Twinks

[Brian37]

no....

then again im a guy, so we normally dont get emotional about anything other than if I cannot find the remote for the TV, which can
cause me to unleash a rage of fury on all humanity

[chaotic13]

I usually get very nervous or keyed up... heart rate increases and senses become sharper and more focused. Crying ...not yet but what you describe is one of my fears... that once I start I won't be able to stop or will do it in other settings. I never thought much about crying, it just never occurred to me that I really don't do it. Recently though the topic has come up and I how realize I have a major hang-up about it.

[happyflowergirl]

Thanks everyone for all your responses. I am glad I am not the only one. I am not sure what I am thinking about when it happens, I am just getting blindly into my car, and it is like the tears come. Today that didn't happen, but I have been feeling a bit better.

Dianah, I think you are right, my T represents a safe place to show my emotion, so maybe that is it.

Twinks, I also learned not to cry for the same reasons as you. I just couldn't cry in front of my old T, until he made me very upset one time and another was time I didn't have my guard up. But with my new T, I cried on the first visit, and that was because I missed my old T. We EMDR processed that one for a good 6 mo., now I am in a better place.

Now I cry like a freak! lol almost every session. Today was a tough one, we are going full force since next week is spring break and I don't need to be as functional. He found a new way to have me feel safe while doing EMDR, and it worked.
One thing I noticed too today is that memories and images come up more readily with my eyes closed, it works TOO well. Maybe keeping my eyes open, is a way to defend myself from the memories. I don't know.

Today even me missing my Dad who died in 1999 came up, after an EMDR set, I suddenly missed my dad and wanted him to hold me, not that he ever did though.

I guess right now I am just feeling numb. But that is also a self defense mech. of PTSD, My T said I might have nightmares or flashbacks tonight.

I just want to heal, I need my T, but I don't feel obsessed with him like my old T, I focus more on my issues instead of thinking of my T. I almost think erotic transference is a defense mech. against going to the hard parts of what you need to work on. Because now I am more focused on healing instead of laying around daydreaming of my T. Thank goodness that is over.

[cat9]

must we go to T? i hv crying issues for 10 years.. it seems getting worse. how to cure it?