Developing a sense of self..

One of my 15yr old twin daughters who is on work experience this week came back home this morning having forgotten her bus pass to prove shes a student and sometimes the drivers will let her on sometimes not, then she left again to continue her journey to the job she has beening doing the past 2 weeks and text me from the bus stop saying now another bus hasn't come along and she's going to be late, and that she will tell them when she arrives that she had a dentist appointment, I replied, no just tell the truth why your late, its up to them whether they believe you or not its not your job to disprove or prove otherwise. I realised how unconsious we can be of our co-dependencys and how all these little interactions when growing up in "damaged" families we not taught who-we-are and what is our repsonsibilty or not. I know if that had been me in her position within my family my mum would first have just attacked me for having forgotten my bus pass or she would have told me I need to make up some excuse why I was late, it was a feeling of lighteness I felt around this interaction with my daughter this morning and a feeling of having been supportive toward my daughters right to make a mistake and be truthful about it. ...it amazed me how a normal day to day event such as this would have become something so much more major for myself growing up, and its only through therapy that I have learnt that its ok to be who you are and to not have to placate others by making excuses for an error that happens sometimes...

Yes. My stepmother wouldn't have had me lie but she would have been all over consequences. My T spent a lot of time with me in therapy trying to get my scale of what was "important" and what not better calibrated. Being late because of a forgotten bus pass would have been a major mistake, equal to making a mistake on the job that caused problems for the company. All mistakes were equal and "bad".

However, you also have X number years working and understand how bosses work and how easy/difficult it is for you to find another job if you don't like or get along where you are. There's a lot to be said for age and experience.

I'm glad you told your daughter what you did, I hope she trusts you enough to use it and get that "practice" instead of being anxious and making something else up anyway or not saying anything at all, acting like she hasn't noticed or doesn't care that she's late (like I probably would have done). If someone asked why I was late, I would feign surprise and just casually blame it on the bus being late. Hard to learn responsibility that way.

What a great share. It demonstrates that although you are struggling and have suffered, your are taking actions to break that cycle for the next generation. You are being a good role model for your children.

I was in a similar situation last week. Although in my case I chose to stand firm and pass along a good value trait that my parents had taught me--you shouldn't run away. In my case my son was feeling very nervous and feeling like he would make a fool of himself during a school performance. He wanted me to fix his anxiety by giving him a way out of the situation (allowing pretend he was sick and stay home or writing his teacher and saying he did not have to perform). I firmly but kindly refused his requests but I also tried to help him deal with his feelings.

I can relate to what you are saying. My mom would have also went on and on about what a stupid lazy kid I was to forget the bus pass .. if that were me as a kid forgetting the bus pass. My mom would have had me feeling so lousy and shamed - for doing something totally human (everyone forgets stuff) - that I would have been too embarrased to give the real reason for being late. I would have felt pressure to "make up" a reason that would prevent others from seeing me as my own mom saw me.

It is wonderful that you are able to break that cycle with your own child. I also try very hard to break that cycle with my children. Spilling a glass of beverage at the dinner table when I was a kid used to bring the wrath of god himself .. now, when my kids dump food, beverage on the table at dinner - I do not do that to them. I have them clean up the mess (even though I know that I will need to rewipe the table later on that evening) and then we just get back to dinner. No tears, no put downs - it is just a mistake.

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Peanuts said:
Spilling a glass of beverage at the dinner table used to bring the wrath of god himself

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OMG, my house too! I can remember my father getting pissed and dragging me to the bathtub and making me eat the rest of my dinner there. There is another cycle broken.

I just saw a video clip from cnn.com showing an unknown woman using a carwash sprayer to hose down a three year old girl who was screaming and trying to get away. The car wash attendant overheard the woman doing the spraying that she was her mother and demanded respect or something like that.

The authorities are looking for this woman - the officer thinks the child might have wet her pants and was being punished. They are concerned that if this is how the woman treats this child in public, what is happening behind closed doors.

I am sad that a parent feels the need to brutally discipline a child in this manner. Besides the obvious physical sting of having a powerful water spray applied to your face and body - the emotional pain of having someone who is supposed to love and protect you actually shaming you like that. I hope they find the little girl and get her into protection.

*cries* you are all being good parents and breaking cycles.

(((((((((hugs all in thread))))))))

Ohhh Mouse,

What a beautiful post. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as her mom.

If I had lost my bus pass my mother would have told me I had a mind like a sieve. Sounds funny, but I grew up thinking I was stupid.

I am only now beginning to develop a sense of self--just a teeny bit.

Thanks.