Another session with T. I keep feeling angry at him and can't help myself. I told him this today. I told him how angry I was that he told me he was angry. I told him that I'm sick of hearing, "I'm sorry you felt hurt." He said that I am angry because he won't tell me what I want to hear, which is that he wishes he didn't tell me because it caused me so much pain. And about the hippo, I told him I felt like he took my feelings and totally discarded them. The hippo is very symbolic at this point. It represents how I took it because I wanted a piece of him and he coldly snatched it back. I don't care if it is rational or not, that is how I feel. He didn't say anything to that. He refuses to budge. We both have agreed that it is a power struggle. I can't figure out why I am so stuck on this. I guess I felt abandoned when he expressed his anger and when he took back the hippo. I guess I'm trying to get him to see the error of his ways because otherwise it means that he feels it's okay to emotionally withdraw from me. I realize that these are all emotions, feelings that I can't control. I am cognitively aware of how irrational this is, for whatever good that does.

He told me that he had consulted with the other woman T. He said that she said that I might have felt abandoned when he took away my emailing privileges and when he expressed his anger and that is why I am so angry now. He asked me how I felt about having someone else giving her input on my case. I told him that I first was worried but that I'm not now. I also told him that I wanted to talk to her. When he asked what I might talk to her about I frankly told him that I was going to tell her about how horribly he was treating me, LOL. He thought that was humorous. I told him that I am stuck and that I don't think he can help me out of it at this point. I assured him that I wasn't abandoning him, LOL.

Huh. . .

[Brian37]

where is the hippo now?

this is like a soap opera now!

The hippo remains in his office. When I was telling him how I felt about it, how symbolic it was, I was really angry and said that I wasn't telling this because I wanted it back. I told him that it meant absolutely nothing to me now that he had taken it back. I'm not sure if that's true, though.

I was going to plan an OPERATION HIPPO HEIST and just take it but it just wouldn't mean anything. I would just die if he told me that he wanted me to have it, if he just gave it to me. But that would mean I would actually feel good for a change, and we can't have that, can we?

[MissCharlotte]

((((((((Soliaree)))))))

Working through the anger was the hardest part of the rupture for me.

Finally, I figured which of the anger was old and which was new. I discussed this forever. Keep going. Keep talking. You can work through this. And, yeah I would want to tell on him too! (The other T).

At this point, I think you should take a grocery bag with you when you go to therapy and put it over the hippo's head during your session. Don't say a word--just walk in and bag him. Then when your session is over, remove the bag and walk out. Yes, very effective!!!



Peace

[Kiya]

lol miss c, that would be a riot! bag the hippo on the way in, and remove it on the way out. like it. =)

omg soli.. i dont know HOW i missed your post tuesday... i am so very sorry doll.. i feel like i let you down. i was in such a bad way...

the power struggle aspect bothers me... he's the dude with the degree in this... he has never dealt with a power struggle before? Has he found that being oppositional really helped? Did the patient back down and beg his forgiveness? grrrr

hmm.... im going to just toss out what occurs to me.. no offense intended or anything, just brainstorming ok?

think about this... if you could act in the opposite way that you act with him now... how would that look? what might you say differently? Can you switch chairs at all with his point of view? Can you at all imagine what his perspective is?

im nto suggesting you've been wrong in any way... i have no idea.. but i am throwing that stuff out as maybe a means of trying out new ways of looking at it... maybe in pretending that you have a different point of view.. perhaps you can find common ground..??

have you asked him specifically why he wont say the exact thing you want? what did he say?

im feeling frustrated for you... power struggles dont help a damn. He should know that. i dont think there can be 100% equality.. i mean if there were then why would you need him at all? But you shouldn't have to struggle with him over it... sometimes you should "win" too...

i am thinking soli... you have parental transference with him right? maybe you can think about your relationship and your H's relationship with your daughter (daughter yes?thinks hard..scratches head)... how do you or would you handle power struggles with her? Can you put yourself in the "child" standpoint?

its a tough call really... i mean you are NOT a child and he is NOT your parent... but in any ways the therapeutic relationship must function as such...no?

i hope you find some peace about this soon sweet pea.. you've had such a hard time. i am sorry i have not been the friend i should have been

much love

Upon furthur analysis, I have figured out what is going on with me.

The woman T was right, I totally felt abandoned when he told me he was angry. To add to that, he told me that he was angry how it affected his staff. I perceived that as him rubbing in my face what I'll never have - him protecting me. One has to care deeply about others to want to protect them.

The hippo was symbolic. When he took it back, it was total abandonment. Not too good for one with fears of abandonment.

This is why I can't let this go. If he doesn't recant his position, then he continues to remain emotionally withdrawn. He kept telling me that I was angry because he was not telling me what I wanted to hear. That characterization of my feelings felt so condescending. HE was wrong. I really was/am trying to pull him back. I didn't realize my fears of abandonment were so intense, so desperate. I just want him back. I'm so needy and clingy, it makes me feel like a worthless nothing. This has to end soon. How long can one take such devastation? My facade is cracking, I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. T, where are you? Please come back to me.

[Kiya]

Honey, I can't help but think there has to be a middle way.
T said this is a power struggle... so there's his way (and I am still not clear what that is - if he needs something, or wants something from you) and there's your way (you need to know t hasn't abandoned you and is there for you emotionally) and.... what is the middle way? where can you both meet and go forward? We know he doesn't want you cutting or od-ing in the building (guess is that is a respect issue) and we know you did because you couldn't use words to convey what you needed (because it felt like t abandoned you from the start which is what brought on the si. But what is beneath all this? You wanted him to say he loves you - he can't because he (i'm guessing) doesn't want there to be any miscongrued words or thinking that will mar th relationship - yet the relationship has been marred. perhaps you can both go back to before that happened and redo that day? TAKE 2
=( kiya