access granted

i am so grateful and relieved

the monday thing was a mass of confusion to me and i KNEW something couldn't be right... like i said, he had been so solid

i told him what i thought and what he said and how it all came out and how upset i had been and then how i had tried to cope but was over my head

it was a NEW thing that i was still hanging on to the idea that he wouldn't hurt me on purpose... i wrote it out over and over

he wouldn't just hurt me

he wouldn't just hurt me

he wouldn't just hurt me

he wouldn't just hurt me

and he said "you're right"

he said he was impressed with how hard i had worked... he knew i had... and he was most impressed with how much i had worked through on my own

he said that no one could have just jumped to the finish line from my point

i think something got lost in the conversation on Monday, and he was talking about call backs in general... that they weren't the best thing.. and he's right, but he didn't complete that, he didn't add the part ".. but you aren't there yet.." When i asked he had said i was focussing on what i couldn't do for myself and so i didn't get an answer

i think its easy to have gotten to the point of despair i did

but we clarified everything... i told him i needed reassurance today and he gave it... he was very receptive and gentle... he was perfect (well, except for the fact that we aren't going to hang out or anything - phooey)

i told him i had been so overwhelmed and so lost.

he said that in the stuff i wrote to him i had gotten to some HUGE points we need to work on... and i told him that in two weeks he managed to hit not one, but TWO big fissures in my brain

he was so good with me today... he understood

SO... bottom line

i can leave messages to my heart's content (his words)

He will ALWAYS call me back if i ASK - ALWAYS

but i need to learn how not to ask except when i really, need that and i can't help myself first

he said when i am in crisis he will ALWAYS call back

he said nothing has changed except i need to help myself FIRST before i call him

and i asked to be sure and yes, there is room for me to %#@&#! up and get it wrong... WITHOUT "consequences"

he said " we are on the same page again"

and something he said was that yes, he was withdrawing something... by making me do something for myself first.... but he emphasized that in no way was he withdrawing from me emotionally

(which of course, is the same as saying he is there emotionally too right?)

I LOVE YOU GUYS FOR BEING THERE FOR ME

Yey!!!! that is really good news, and a lot of hard work on your part!! I am glad it has been repaired and that you know he is there for you!!!

(((((((((((mz fluff!!!))))))))))))

That is great Fluff.

Fluff....

AWESOME!

You seemed so down and it is great to see you feeling better. Sounds like you and T are ok.

PS: Did you sign the Tibetan petition?????? I can give you the link if you want.

There is one main point that I want to make.....YOU EARNED THIS....
You left the safety zone of his care and you spent untold hours thinking, writing and trying to figure out what had happened and what you could do. This is called "Helping Yourself, & Finding Resources Within Yourself". I cannot tell you how proud I am of you. You didn't have H. to turn to or much of anything except what you already possessed.....the desire to be better and stronger and to understand how to go about it tapping into those. I know your t. has to be sooo proud of you fluff.

I am so relieved for you that you have talked this thru and now understand that he was never withdrawing from you. You know have his support, strength and safety. You also have the knowledge that you may have a lot more internal resources than you imagined.

love, tulips

well.. the internal resource part is kinda sketchy but ya ya.. i am feeling pretty pleased too.. mostly because he was so pleased. i told him that too, that a lot of the motivation behind the work i did was to regain his good graces. He said at this point it didn't matter... he said "... i don't really care what your motivations were.. if you came here to learn guitar and you practiced just to make me happy, you'd still end up learning guitar.."

it touches me whenever someone says they are proud of me... its one of those special things

relief? omg yes.. yes... YES

i know some will think i am too dependent on how he feels or thinks or whatever and to that i say YES I AM! i know that, i accepted that a long time agao.. as a transitionary state. It will be a long transition but that's ok. i don't cling to people, i never let people get close and i never trust like this.... i fully accepted that in doing that with him i was going to need to be very vulnerable and that would open up a LOT of neediness that had not been exposed and met before.

i told him that during H's visit he had given me quite a lot of solid support and that was so valuable, i was still the one who said i needed to leave... that was ALL me, but i felt suddenly like i had a sound base to do it from.. that when that emotional base was filled in, i was able to do something HUGE

THANK YOU

THANK YOU to all of you who helped and listened... omg, i really leaned on you all

(YES riptide.. post the link here so anyone else who wishes to can go sign as well The link i posted is the official exhile government site)

(((( Jello )))))

I love happy endings! I'm so glad for you.

((((((((((( fluff ))))))))))))

YAY FLUFF!!!!

i have you-know-what grin from ear to ear

i want to hold onto this good feeling... but i know i can't

at some point he will push me a bit harder and i will probably stumble harder too... i hate knowing that. i want to hold onto this so bad. But until i can feel secure about the relationship from the inside i will always stumble.

you guys are the best

...and like little kids, first they stumble and it doesn't hurt cuz they're padded all over in baby fat and diapers... then as toddlers they stumble more and cry a little... then as 3-4s they fall and really cry. and evenually stop falling/stumbling (unless you're me who stopped falling and crashing into things around 12). Point being, eventually you'll have security and grace that comes with ease, even through the painful parts. Yes?

yes kiya.. a very good analogy My T would like it

Maybe the whole therapy process is simply about learning to tolerate falling and getting back up, again and again and again. And of course learning how to enjoy our successes without worrying about what is coming next.

Therapy is soooo much fun :-)

Enjoy the high Jello.

ya... fun.. just like a home lobotomy kit