Where are these intense emotions coming from? My anger has reached unbelievable levels and I can't keep up the facade at work or elsewhere. Seeing my T has really been upsetting me. I guess it has to do with abandonment fears, but it's happening in my unconscious mind. After each session, I end up emailing him my horrible thoughts. It's like I'm out of control. I don't want to not go to sessions, but I'm terrified of him, afraid that he will say the slightest thing that triggers my anger.

I feel so bad for him, though. How does he withstand my @#$@? We keep getting in a power struggle and it is really disturbing. He tells me that I'm upset because he won't tell me what I want to hear, but I what I want to hear will rid me of my anxiety/anger. So, it's not as simple as me just wanting my way - there is a reason. Or maybe I am selfish and childish but just can't see it. I just want to stop feeling these intense emotions, is that so bad? I feel like a monster.

I told him that I feel like he is in his fortress and refuses to let down the drawbridge to let me in. And I said that he at least could stop shooting arrows at me. Ughhhh. When will this end? How long does it take to work through this? I feel physically and mentally drained and don't know if I'm going to make it.

[ECHOES]

If you haven't already read it, read this book: "get me out of here" by Rachel Reiland. You might relate to her story.

You will get through this.

[splitimage]

Sometimes therapy stirs up really intense old emotions that we don't even know we had, especially if you have a life time of learning to supress your feelings behind you. But being angry isn't necessarily a bad thing - as long as you can learn to express it appropriately.

Can you talk to your T about using the last 10 minutes or so of your time to practice containment exercises, so that you're not so overwhelmed by your emotions between sessions. I sometimes do that with my T and find it really helpful.

Good luck.

--splitimage

[MissCharlotte]

(((Sol)))

Keep working through the hard stuff. One step at a time and you will get there. Focus on the now. Breathe and listen to your breath. You are okay and will be okay. (((((((((safe hugs)))))))))

[Kiya]

i really like everyone's suggestions!! ((((((((((Sol))))))))))

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Soliaree said:
Where are these intense emotions coming from? My anger has reached unbelievable levels

I don't want to not go to sessions, but I'm terrified of him, afraid that he will say the slightest thing that triggers my anger.

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Are you terrified of him or are you terrified of your own anger?

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He tells me that I'm upset because he won't tell me what I want to hear, but I what I want to hear will rid me of my anxiety/anger. So, it's not as simple as me just wanting my way - there is a reason.

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I think you should place more value on the work YOU are doing in therapy. I find myself identifying very closely with what you are saying in that I place so much value on what T does or doesn't say in order to alleviate or cause feelings. I realized that I really needed to work on identifying my sense of self because I was placing so much value on what T does and absolutely nothing on what I do-- It's really hard and I've just started to really work at it.

Feelings those intense emotions are exhausting, painful, and a million other things. I really feel for you and understand what you are going through.

omg pink.. you been chatting with scuff behind my back?

what pink said is the essence of a few conversations T and i have had recently... and what he said, which caused mass confusion in me if you were reading, was that he wanted to stop just instantly giving me what i needed right in that moment.. in favour of what i needed long term. He said giving me what i wanted would make me feel better, or like you said, make the anxiety/etc go away... but it comes back, over and over... and sometimes it worsens the next time and i want more from him. i am horrified that this is the case because i believed so strongly that just getting something at all would help.. but it was like smelling food when you're hungry.. i became painfully aware of needing food more than anything.

its a horrible feeling

i am so sorry soli... this is painful... i wish i could take it all away.

Thanks for the help everyone I do need help with not totally losing it after sessions. I sent him some horrible emails and feel terrible about it. I go from angry to resigned to a very short lived I can do this to regret/remorse and then the cycle starts again. I do need to focus more on me than on what T thinks but don't know when that will successfully happen. Right now I'm dreading Tuesday's session. I have no idea how he will react to my continued attacks. And I have no idea if he will say something to trigger my anger which I am starting to totally fear. I've started thinking about how to avoid it. But now I really want to call T but I hate doing that. He told me that it was fine if it was during the day when he was working but if I called him after hours he would make sure that I knew it wasn't a good thing (or something to that effect). He is only working one day this week, Tuesday. So I guess I have to sit with all of this. This sucks. I've never been through anything so painful in my life.

soli.. do you write? can you write out everything about how you are feeling? It is evern more effective if you can write down the thoughts while you are actively upset... not the longer explanations, just the thoughts and feelings: i am angry. i think he doesn't care...etc etc

when you not in an active upset... write out everything else you can. Explore it, question yourself. Ask the tough questions that you are afraid to let T ask... ask yourself what-if questions... what if T is right about everything.. then what does that mean? Challenge what you can and see what falls out.

what if you went in and let all that anger trun into sadness and let it all pour out? T's are human afterall, and no matter how professional they are, it's easier to show compassion to deep tears than to anger.

im not saying to fake it, that would be bad.. i'm saying to let the pain out... sob your heart out because it's broken.
i know this is hard babe....

you can do this... find things that make you smile or laugh until Tuesday.. be gentle with yourself

roughly 48 hrs right? (-16 for sleeping, -8 for work and its 24 waking hours)