Functioning............almost at zero.

**Trigger icon for mention of SI**

Another day called out sick from work.

I only have like 2 and a half weeks left before I'm done with classes. That means: 6 more times of internship, one presentation, and one paper. T is doing everything he can to help me function enough to get through these last 2 and a half weeks.

I am going on an interview tonight for a full-time therapist position. I don't even know if I can work full-time. I am starting doctoral school soon, I don't even know if it's possible. I'm so confused and under so much pressure because of our financial situation.

For months, I have been SI'ing every single night without fail. Pdoc is talking about having me decide whether I would benefit from a few days in the hospital-- in 2 and a half weeks after I am done with internship and school.

I barely ever want to leave the house. My moods are cycling so rapidly. Agitation, intense anxiety, impusivity, depression, hypomania. All I want to do is sleep or sit on the couch and write.

I spoke with T on phone three times yesterday. Today I am nto going to call him because I am tired of being a burden to him.

I am living under so much emotional pain, but I don't know exactly where it is coming from or why it is so intense now.

(((((((((((( pink ))))))))))))

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I hope things get better for you soon.

I do understand the pressure regarding the job. I was that way a while ago - we were having severe financial problems because of some really poor spending habits on my end, and I had trouble finding a job. Yet at the same time I was having trouble even functioning enough to take care of daily life...let alone spend 40-60 hours a week working. It's a catch 22 kind of thing.

I'm sorry. We're here for you. And if it helps boost your confidence a bit - I think you will make an EXCELLENT therapist simply because you know what it's like. Empathy is a wonderful thing that many therapists lack.

Good luck.

Thanks guys-- and yes, my financial problems come from poor spending habits and an inability to keep track of my money-- I just keep spending and I don't even check to see what I have to spend. Sigh.

(((((((((( pinksoil )))))))))))

When I first started with T he spent at least a year on coping strategies so that we were able to delve into the yucky stuff and also cope with stress in a better way. Have you got some ways to get through this?

You are not a burden on your T, it's his job to help you.

Thinking of you.

Pinksoil,

Sorry things are so overwhelming right now and awful. Just take deep breaths and try to take it one day at a time. I know that sounds simplistic, but it's gotten me through lots.

Some time in the hospital once you're done school might not be a bad idea, assuming your insurance will cover it. I went IP last summer, for 7 weeks and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. It let me focus entirely on myself and getting well.

--spltimage

Thanks, Split-- yes my insurance does cover it. My insurance covers four IP hospitals: 2 are nightmares, 1 is my internship (don't think I wanna stay there, lol) and the remaining 1 isn't so bad-- they have a special unit for women and the rooms are private. I have been there before for outpatient psych. treatment and the grounds are absolutely gorgeous. People actually go there to get married or have their wedding photos taken. Maybe they honeymoon there as well, hahahahah. Okay, anyway. Yeah. I have a lot of thinking to do. Gotta get going to the interview now and pretend I'm normal.

((( pinksoil )))

Which part of:

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pinksoil said:
I am going on an interview tonight for a full-time therapist position. I don't even know if I can work full-time. I am starting doctoral school soon, I don't even know if it's possible. I'm so confused and under so much pressure because of our financial situation.

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Don't you know where it's coming from?

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I am living under so much emotional pain, but I don't know exactly where it is coming from or why it is so intense now.

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You have a heck of a lot of stress happening and I'd be mighty worried about "failure" and disappointing someone/anyone/everyone? But we and your T won't be disappointed in you, no matter what the outcomes.

{{{Pink}}}

Just wanted to wish you the best and let you know I'm thinking of you.

pink, it hurts to see you hurting so much.

truly we ought to form the financially sinking/needing work/not surviving well enough to work group. that's the pickle of fish i'm in, too.

Good luck on your interview!!! I have one on thursday also

Pink - sorry things seem so overwhelming right now. I hope the interview went well and gave you some hope. For what it is worth, I think you should call your T tonight. He always tells you it is ok. I think he'd like to hear from you and hear how the interview went. Take care

Pink....

Hang in there. If possible try and think of taking baby steps. I know it is hard, but maybe prioritize things and only focus on what is the most important.

It is so hard, but call your T. He wants to help you. I definitely don't think you are a bother, because when you write about him, you two have such an amazing relationship. Trust in him to help you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pink}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry you're going through such a bad time. Please do call your T. That's what he's there for.

Wish I had something wise to tell you but who am I to suggest anything. LOL

Please take care of YOU.

Just want you to know that there are many of us here that can truly empathize with you. Please add me to the group that have sent their love and thoughts. All we can do is to keep hanging in there.

tulips

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I only have like 2 and a half weeks left before I'm done with classes.

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You are amazing. You are function at much more than zero in this plane and it is wonderful. Congratulations.

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I am going on an interview tonight for a full-time therapist position.

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Is it necessary to work full time? Can you take a bit of time to take care of yourself a little? I think you deserve it and you have earned it!

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I spoke with T on phone three times yesterday.

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I love how your T holds you so close when he knows you need it. It's a testament to your honesty and ability to tell him your needs.

I am sorry your are in so much pain. I want to wave my magic wand and make it all go away. I can't but I will give you my wand so you can take care of yourself.

pink - were you able to call t?

Are you feeling better pinksoil?

((((((((((((((((((((((Pink))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Just checking in on you.

BB

((( pinksoil )))

Thinking of you today and hoping you're feeling better.

((((((( pink ))))))))

Pinksoil,

I am hoping you are okay.

I read your posts and admire your honesty and the sessions you write about with your T, which is part of the reason I am returning to therapy myself.

Thank you for sharing your self with us. You make a difference. You are important.

You helped me by helping yourself.
Funny how that works, huh?

Feel better soon,
nightbird

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Thank you everyone, so much, for your concern. The last week has been an extremely difficult one. I have been cycling rapidly and have been going through two manic cycles per day. The episodes are obviously short, but they move quick to different moods, and it is exhausting. I am waiting patiently for the end of school and internship which comes to me the week after this upcoming one. April 17th, to be exact. My pdoc took me off the Lexapro to try and calm down the 'ups' and just left the Lithium and Klonopin. The SI is the same. I came home from T yesterday and slept, literally, almost the entire day and night-- until 10 PM. Then I went back to sleep at 3 AM and slept until 11 AM. I think I have crashed from the exhaustion of all this cycling combined with a very intense therapy session. The worst part is, my husband is trying his hardest to understand, he really is-- but yesterday I felt the distance emanating from both of us.... and felt so awful and uncomfortable. The truth is, I hid in bed all day because I was scared of my mood swings. I figured if I just hid and slept, I wouldn't have to deal with them.

Pink I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I know how it feels to want to hide in bed for awhile.

(((((((((pink))))))))))))
and that can be healing to - give everything time to calm down for a bit. hoping things get better for you soon!!!
Kiya