[MissCharlotte]

I remember last year I believe I shared my fear/fantasy that when I round the corner in the hallway at T's, his nameplate will be gone from the door.

I was finally able to discuss this with T and he said it was my lack of object constancy. By now, it's old news for me. After his winter break in December I told him he only exists in his chair!

Now I believe I have internalized him to some degree. His nameplate continues to be on the door and I always expect to see it when I round the corner along with the smaller nameplate of another therapist who works in the suite. Her nameplate is rectangular as well and is underneath his on the door.

My most recent fantasy has my name on an even smaller rectangle underneath theirs.

Sort of like Papa bear, Momma bear and baby bear.

Sigh.

Do you have a fantasy to share?

[Perna]

I still remember how one always wishes to sit and eat/live with T like a normal person? Until she forgot her keys to the suite and we had to go to a little cafe and sit and eat together! I'm ordering a sandwich and soda and she only ordered tea (oops :-) and I'm fretting about who's going to pay (they only took cash for bills under $10 and it turned out that together we didn't have enough! So they finally had to take T's credit card) and I think as we were leaving or the next week (that felt really weird, going back to meeting in an office) T apologized to me for having not taken the lead (she let me find the place, I knew the little town better from always being early and driving around but neither of us lived near there). But the hardest part was wondering what to do if I had to cry. There I was in a public restaurant, trying desperately to stay away from any topics that might be too intense and yet still be honest/do therapy.

So watch what you fantasize about! LOL

Yeah I have fantasies. No, they are not appropriate to share here, lol. BUT for the sake of the post, I will dig up some of my lovely, more appropriate fantasies.

The hug fantasty never goes away. Even today when he was holding my hand, I was completely fantasizing that he would reach out and just hold me.

You know how T always gives me stuff like books and CDs and essays and all that? Well I have this ongoing fantasy that one day he will say, "I have something for you" and reaches into his bag and takes out a teddy bear.

Last session T mentioned something to the effect of, "I want to go to your doctoral graduation and....." I don't know if he was serious or not, but I imagine myself in 6 or so years, graduating with my Psy.D. (still his patient of course) with T in the audience, all proud. Part of that fantasy includes at some point being able to tell him how much I owe where I have gotten, to him. I literally do not think I would have even been able to sit through my doctoral interview explaining my understanding of the therapeutic process, if it hadn't been for my work with him. I would like to tell him that someday.

MissCharlotte, I think your fantasy is absolutely precious. Now that you see him as constant (knowing that his nameplate will always be there) you would like to see yourself as a constant part of him-- with your name always there, too. Don't worry-- name or not, you have done a much bigger thing by internalizing him and taking the risk to tell him some of those fantasies.

[Kiya]

um.... *gulp*. my first thought is No-i can't share it. but maybe if i do i can gain some perspective on it?

(knees rattling, hands shaking).... ok so as a kid i always fantisized every night as i fell asleep that instead of living at home, i lived in a hospital. all us kids were permanent members and had little houses and drove around in those little power wheel cars =) naturally, i was the "ring leader" and was looked up to by the other kids and respected. even though i got into trouble, really i could do no wrong.

these days that fantasy has since changed (and of course for the past several decade or more) into being that i SIed really badly and was placed IP. but am really mistreated there because my wild alter comes out (who really is animalistic and fights ppl - old t called her "little feral wolf pup). and that t finally comes to check on me and finds me in a horrible state; restrained to the bed due to hissing and fighting, lashing out at ppl, biting and scratching. and t rescues me from there; demands that i be released from the restraints and stays with me until i am me again, then demands my release from there and takes me away....
i have envisioned this with my past 3 t's....and it is nothing romantic or anything like that and i can't come up with what happens after my release.

[sunrise]

That's a really nice fantasy, MissCharlotte.

I have an ongoing fantasy that I give something really special back to T in return and gratitude for all he has done for me. I would give this gift anonymously but I would really enjoy seeing him experience it and not knowing where it came from. I would give him back his hair. He has gone bald, and is one of those guys who shaves his head (what is left of the hair). I have seen pictures of him when he was younger and he had very long (ponytail) hair, well past the time when it was fashionable. So in my fantasy I somehow have magical powers (or maybe I get a wish granted) and I make it so his hair grows back. I imagine seeing him each week in therapy and noticing that his hair is gradually growing in the places where it didn't use to. And he stops shaving his head and he gets a full head of hair again. And I ask him what happened?, and he is dumbfounded, but he loves it. I never tell him it was I who gave him back his hair, but I really enjoy his pleasure at getting it back again. Is that strange or what?

[dalila]

<font color="green">My fantasies? about my therapist???
Since I know she has a cat, I have fantasized that I am a cat - a stray sitting on her stoop when she comes home. At first I am shy but she coaxes and brings me in and feeds me. We end up on her sofa with me in her lap all snuggly and purring.

Lately I have been dreaming that I am 4 or 5 again and having gotten hurt - skinned knee, splinter, bee sting or some such thing, I run into the house crying for Mommy; guess who Mommy is?!? Yup, my therapist. </font>

I used to have a similar kind of fantasy, Kiya. I had a fantasy about my mother getting hit by a bus and one of my teachers looking after me... And later... When I was in hospital... I had a fantasy that I would be dx'd with something 'serious' and that the clinicians would really want to help me and spend time with me... Trying to talk to me and stuff...

I used to have a similar kind of fantasy, Kiya. I had a fantasy about my mother getting hit by a bus and one of my teachers looking after me... And later... When I was in hospital... I had a fantasy that I would be dx'd with something 'serious' and that the clinicians would really want to help me and spend time with me... Trying to talk to me and stuff...

I used to have a similar kind of fantasy, Kiya. I had a fantasy about my mother getting hit by a bus and one of my teachers looking after me... And later... When I was in hospital... I had a fantasy that I would be dx'd with something 'serious' and that the clinicians would really want to help me and spend time with me... Trying to talk to me and stuff...

[Mouse_]

That I'm naked in bed with T and shes naked, but then I can't hold that for to long and it suddenly feels wrong or feels like another thought is trying to express itself but can only do it in simple terms as you naked with me naked...then its lost, its gone, it gets taken away and I'm left with trying to content myself with T in her chair and me on the couch...and suddenly having T back in clothes again feels right....feels like I dont want to see her naked really,..so what is this part that for short moment thinks it does?...I think I may need therapy : (

[ECHOES]

I have fantasies that happen in session too.

Growing up I had fantasies about nearly every teacher I had that they could see I wasn't wanted in my family so they would want to adopt me where finally I would be loved and nurtured.

About T.. I still sometimes have the little girl fantasy that I shared here and shared with T, of me as a toddler in a white dress toddling up to where she is and laying my head in her lap and feeling so peaceful; she looks down lovingly and strokes my hair, my cheek.

What I haven't and probably couldn't share with T is so vague I don't even know what to call it. She used to wear a lot of dresses that showed a lot of cleavage. She doesn't now but maybe it's a seasonal thing. When I'm having an in-session fantasy about sitting next to her with her holding me and my head on her shoulder.. well, they would be right there, lol, and it isn't an unpleasant thought. That's the best I can put it into words.