[Mouse_]

Yesterday I actually felt myself getting angry, thinking about T taking a break and me not being able to control her...Unyet I knew that apart from the anger I felt toward her, I also knew there must be love because I woudn't go back each week if all I felt was hate...so thsi wasn't making sense to me?.,..I was then getting angrier because I was thinking about the anger and thinking about how T would be if she had been in front of me whilst this was going on in me...I played the anger tape forward and asked myself what is it I hoped in my fantasy that my being angry at T would do? Get her to say "oh I am sorry, I shouldn't take a break, your needs and desires are so much more important than mine"...of course this isnt what T would ever say or think...its proberbly what I am thinking.....I know I grew up watching my adoptive parents argue with each other then after 2 weeks when my father would begin to speak again...all would be love and light and It appeared to me that they had both got something good because then they would be happy...so I guess I'd learnt to get what you want you throw tantrums and with-hold yourself presence as punishment then you get what you want...the anger inside of me yesterday felt red hot, felt like I needed to give it to someone, to make someone else hurt like I was hurting..but then I realised I dont really want to hurt T because she is a kind gentle person, but its like I didnt know any other way to handle the feelings inside of me, that just talking about them would not be enought..that I neesded action there and then...but there was no one I coulsd talk about it with because T's on a break, so I wrot3e and wrote and self talked and self talked....and realised that its a case of taking resposilbity for my own feelings.. to work through them...and not just act on them....its easier to accuse others of being the course of your pain then it is to see them as a humanbeing with needs like myself...perhaps thats what adult hood is??

when needs are frustrated then a natural response is anger. frustration. stuff like that.

i think it is meant to be helped by soothing... can you close your eyes and really remember a time when you felt very connected to her? use rememberings and fantasy and stuff... daydream about the reunion... chat away to her in your head.

feel the rage sometimes to be sure. you are allowed :-)

but if the rage gets a little scary... might be time to soothe...

[Mouse_]

yuh I did work through it in the end....self soothing to me though always feels like I'm supressing the feelings....this time I want to experience them and work through them then I think the soothing comes in the result...

[Perna]

I think anger is meant to be a motivator. It's strong enough to get through to us and let us know there's a problem. It's like the guages on machinery that tell the operator somethings gonna blow if corrective action isn't taken.

I really like how you played the movie ahead on fast forward to see what you were doing, how you expected your T to respond. Good trick that.

I think we can give the anger, as red hot "rocks" kind of like you describe to our T's and their "gentle" coolness, etc. will help soothe and quench it like Alexandra suggests. Don't confuse "gentle" with "weak". Your T has a lot of iron in her too, as I'm sure you know Your feelings aren't going to hurt your T, she won't let you/them.

I like too how you associated the anger with your adoptive parents style of anger usage. The book I read on anger, the author was continuously humiliated by a boss who would put her down because she didn't have enough education, couldn't do "that" job, etc. so she got angry enough she back to school and got more education and a better job than her boss had and made more of herself (wrote books, etc.). She was really greatful to the boss for making her angry :-) Sounds like you are using your anger well too, to get more healthy and grow into the kind of adult you wish to be.

well... i think there is a value to feeling the anger, yeah. to acknowledging it. accepting it. feeling it.

but then sometimes it can be a hole that sucks us in and we are in danger of getting lost... thats how it can be for me sometimes, at any rate. and when that happens... then focusing on things that help me feel soothed and loved and cared for really help me not lose the plot completely.

its hard... finding the balance.

you know i used to do mindfulness meditation exercises. started out doing it by focusing on how my breathing felt. but then... sometimes i'd do it by focusing on how i was feeling. just observing the feelings and neither clinging to them nor pushing them away.

got to experience anger coming and going in waves... i never knew emotions ebbed and flowed like that. other emotions too. pain. sadness / grief. sometimes a wave of intense anger followed by a wave of intense grief. followed by a mental image of something soothing and a touch of soothing and then back to the anger again. an emotional roller coaster indeed.

sometimes its like... i'm alright in the backseat of the car if i keep my eyes on the horizon and kind of internally pretend to drive such that i'm anticipating turning and brakeing. if i'm not attending to the horizon... then it feels so much more out of control and unpredictable and i just want to throw up.

hang in there.

[chaotic13]

I think anger is a good motivator, at times. Recently, the few times I have reached a boiling point, acknowledged my anger, and let it out (not always in the nicest way; but with adult maturity), I was able to change my situation for the better. Unfortunately, for me I also have a tendency not to realize/admit I'm angry and it creates a BIG obstacle in healing my relationships. I also sometimes feel anger when what I am actually feeling is really something else. I'm not always good at finding the root problem.

[Mouse_]

alex yes its a hole that is sucking me in...

I'm i'm sititing wtih fear so big now that its hurting me to move and everything out there in the world is about to kill me i see killers everywhere there is no one about that i recognise where have they all gone i want to just stop breathing now let teh light go out

[MissCharlotte]

Maybe yes. Adulthood, true mature adulthood is difficult for us because of our models. We didn't witness give and take so we didn't internalize it, right? My model in parenting was an immature violent one as well. Both parents threw tantrums and my father was physically violent. So, to work through difficult feelings is something I don't know about. I am also trying to accept my feelings as being uniquely mine and know that it is okay to own them, to have them and to just be. Someone here told me it's tolerance (I think it was Echoes).

Sigh. Such a big mountain to climb.

The thing that has been such a huge help to me is my realization that I don't have to be mad at T to hold onto him. I wonder where I learned that? You have given me food for thought.

Peace