i was worried about being detached and not feeling deeper things... and now, two days later i am in so much emotional pain. Things with T have hit a major obstacle and i don't know what to do. i can't talk to him about something that is upsetting me... makes me feel like walking away. Everyone will say to just talk to him.. but this is so very important to me.. walking away without taking the risk is better than what i would suffer if i took it and things did not go as i need them to.. i can't really explain it here, but it won't even help to explain what i just said to him because it wouldn't help.. things have changed, the "rules" have changed

i need something from him and i cannot ask.. without this i don't see how therapy can continue.. this is a really bad day

[nightbird]

honesty is the best way to go - in almost every situation, especially therapy.

what have you got to lose?

did you go back with your husband? is that why things, the rules, have changed, or did a medication get early retirement?

what do you mean jello?

if you could be more specific, taking it into the light of day, it may not be as bad as first thought, yes?

nightbird

[chaotic13]

Jello,

I'm glad to hear you are no longer feeling like you are an emotionally numb zombie, but sadden to hear that you are now struggling with intense emotions. I hope you find a happy medium soon!

I don't know what the issue is that you are unable to talk about with your T. But I can relate to your stress over not being able to talk about it. Although I've made some significant progress in raising issues in therapy that I thought I could never talk about. However, I still have a major issue that is causing me a lot of anxiety and mental noise. I simply cannot form words to explain it. I just keep hoping that like some of the other issues, I will eventually have a break through at some point.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
..walking away without taking the risk is better than what i would suffer if i took it and things did not go as i need them to

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I do not have this issue however. This sounds like a really tough place to be.

I hope you can find some way to get what you need from someone else. If this is not possible then I hope you can work through this issue so that 1) you can find another way to achieve what you want, 2) you can find something else to replace it, or 3) you can make not having [i]it [/b]more manageable.

[Kiya]

Fluff... can u call t and tell t what you need PRIOR to your telling t what you're upset about. it may be a new growth boundary - one that needs to happen?

was really worried about you last night - and today.
hugs, kiya

i know Kiya.. i'm worried about me too.

the "rules" changing means T has changed what i am allowed or not allowed to do.
1. not allowed to ask for him to call me back unless it is an extreme emergency (in which case he and i both know the ER or my pdoc would make better sense to call)
2. not allowed to ask for voicemails anymore... even though they have been so very helpful to me
3. not allowed to ask for reassurance of any kind

these changes have really broken me down... they were all i had to stay connected.. i am ok with the first one.. generally.. i still think an occasional call is not too much to ask though.

what i need to talk about has an element of reassurance to it.. but that reassurance is connected to larger ideas.. and it is THOSE that i can't talk about. i had trouble enough trying to work up to talking about it before.. now its impossible. i cannot take the risk that he will turn me down due to the reassurance aspect.. i just can't.

he is unwittingly repeating a pattern that others have perpetrated every since i was a small child... and that of course is the larger issue that i can't talk about

the only reason i cannot take the chance is because i don't know for sure what he will do in response.. the ONLY reason. If i felt secure in how he would act, i would force myself to talk about it. The recent changes have left me not understanding anything anymore.

i did try to tell him that this risk was too big.. tried to tell him i would rather walk than get the slap in the face i am expecting. His response? "...it would depend on the type of reassurance you were asking for..."

NO

NO IT SHOULD NOT

it should be a given that when i desperately NEED him or something from him i can just KNOW it's there. Period.

[Kiya]

i agree with you. people who have been through crap need consistancy to heal. no consistancy - no trust.

((((((((((fluff)))))))))))))
might tell him that....

[sunrise]

Wow, Jello, that sounds like a lot of new rules to take in all at once.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MzJelloFluff said:
3. not allowed to ask for reassurance of any kind

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Do you mean you are not allowed to ask for reassurance during your sessions, when you are face to face with your T? Why not? What kind of therapy is that? Aren't you supposed to be learning to ask for what you need (within reason)? Asking for reassurance sounds pretty reasonable to me. According to his weird rules, is he allowed to give you reassurance as long as you don't ask for it?

I'm trying to think if I ever overtly ask T for reassurance in my sessions. I know he often gives it, but I'm not sure I ask. Like I will say, "the divorce is going so slowly!" And he will offer reassurance, "you're doing fine, there is no timetable." Or I will say, "I feel so abnormal because I do X," and he will reassure me, "lots of people feel the same way, that is a common response." So he gives lots of reassurance, just about little statements I make. But I don't ask him for reassurance, he just provides it naturally.

Jello, are you asking T to provide a type of reassurance he does not feel is therapeutic and does not provide of his own volitoin in therapy? Reassurance that is fundamentally different from the little examples I gave above? Because if it's just stuff like I wrote above, I think he is being really withholding.

I'm afraid I can't understand this at all, Jello, so all I can offer are hugs.

I'm confused. Didn't he try this a couple of months ago? And then everything worked out ok and these rules did not happen?

Is he trying this again?

be confused... be very confused.. i often am.

this whole thing has been a mish-mashed mess...

the rules have changed, no lie.. but my understanding of the rule surrounding asking for reassurance is part of the problem apparently. a lot of things he said have had me not understanding where i stood.

but i did talk to him about this... firstly about the feeling of not being able to talk to him

that took a lot of time... and in the end he said that my idea that i could never ask for reassurance was completely incorrect... he said that he might not answer certain types of questions or requests, he might direct me to look inside myself. For this request i couldn't bear having him tell me to do that, not this time.

i told him about the stuff i felt i couldn't say.. the stuff from my history.. told him that first

then at some point i tackled the dreaded BIG question.. and he gave me what i asked for.. he gave me what i needed.. i felt like i was going to cry from relief

he and i are a "we" again

riptide... the incident you're referring to was when the rules began changing.. each change sets off my whole network of schemata (schema/schemata?)... it's not that what i think is not real.. it is very real... but the feelings become a mix of past and current times.. thoughts can't be sorted... it's hell. Pure hell.

for now i hope i can just cling to a safer shore

[Kiya]

"i told him about the stuff i felt i couldn't say.. the stuff from my history.. told him that first

then at some point i tackled the dreaded BIG question.. and he gave me what i asked for.. he gave me what i needed.. i felt like i was going to cry from relief

he and i are a "we" again "

*Whew*! Oh soooooooo good!!!! So very good. So glad you were able to talk to him. ((((((((((FLUFF)))))))))))))))!

I'm so glad T gave you what you needed. *I* breathed a sigh of relief just reading that!

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MzJelloFluff said:
he and i are a "we" again

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm so glad you got clarification on the seeking reassurance issue. Yay!

you guys.. you all just make me have the biggest smile..

sssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. but i bought him a litte prezzie.. un petit cadeaux shhh

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( fluff ))))))))))))