I just spent 5 days at a very natural beach with my three boys and a bunch of friends (mine and theirs). We just played on the beach for the first two days and then went to a 4H center for an environmental education program for the last three.

Before I left, I was REALLY anxious. I had been working through trauma stuff with T and just had a lot of anxiety. I was all messed up - my eating disorder was flaring up, I was having to take xanax....I was able to function and get through the day, but I just was feeling bad. Right before I left, I e-mailed T about three times and then left a phone message while I was driving to the beach - just a lot of anxiety about everything.

The thing is, time outside ALWAYS makes me feel better. Tent camping is when I feel the best, in fact. So, this beach vacation, where I was outside all day every day, in the sand and surf and forest and marsh (we were on an island)...it just made me feel WORLDS better.

I have T on Tuesday and I really, really don't want to go. In fact, I'm tempted to quit T altogether. I don't WANT to go back and start this stuff again. I don't WANT to need him. I don't WANT to be lost in transference. I don't know what to do. Before I started T, I was really sick for about a year....and I know it was from emotional stuff - unprocessed traumas, etc. I've felt physically healthy since starting T, and I don't want to be sick again. But right now, after this vacation, I feel independent and healthy and strong.

I think part of it is that I was SO NEEDY right before I left. I don't like me when I'm needy. I don't want to need T. I think part of why I don't want to go back is to say "look at me, I don't need you after all".

Has anyone felt like this? What did you do?

[(JD)]

This is normal. But you do need to return. The reasoning behind your not wanting to return are many, imo. You have done well in taking a true vacation... a vacation from the stress of your disorder too. But now you need to return to your daily life, and that needs psychological attention too.

Since you now have a "norm" to shoot for, you can better gauge how fast or slow you need to go in therapy. If you begin to become ill again, then you are going too fast (covering too much material to work on.)

Good wishes!

[foreverlost]

I can at least relate. I just returned from an easy trip up the coast with 2 very close family/friends. Lots of outdoor time. I had such a great time that I started to think that maybe there's nothing wrong with me at all except that going to a T makes me obsess about my problems. Yet, because of timing, I would not see him for 3 weeks, and I am embarassed at being so scared of that. I'm a very independent person and to have to rely on a relative stranger for acceptance pisses me off. I often think about quitting altogether. Only, now that the trip is over, I'm not feeling so strong again. (Sorry, didn't mean to make this my story). And so, I will see him at least once more.
I don't have any answers, but in my humble opinion, I think you should at least return once more and discuss your concerns with T. Good luck.

[Kiya]

((((EM)))))
You know the drill =) go back to t. it will work itself out
((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))
we know trauma work sucks. but you are this healthy and free just from the work you've done - imagine later, with more work, how much more free you will be.
you've been my inspiration and courage and i started trauma work last session.
THinking of you, kiya

[Mouse_]

Yes its hard to reconnect again. Perhaps though you were more able to enjoy your vacation because of the work you have been doing?

[ECHOES]

That's great that your vacation was so calming and fun for you and that you're holding on to the good feelings.

Therapy is a process for the whole of life's experiences.. the highs and lows, and there's something to learn from all kinds of experiences.

[Fuzzybear]

[sunrise]

earthmama and foreverlost, as I read your experiences, I thought of something I read once about a treatment for depression that involves going with a group into the wilderness and living for several weeks in the forest, beach, sun, wind, sand--eating lots of natural foods, cooking own meals over fires, etc. It's said to be helpful to some with their depression. I think it would be helpful to me. The trick is making time to incorporate more "outdoor" experiences into everyday life.

[Kiya]

Sunrise, that reminds me, someone told me i needed "wildnerness therapy".

Thought I'd post an update after returning to T today!

It was an awesome session - one of those magical sessions when the connection between us is so easy to feel. He seemed genuinely happy to see me when I got there, and I managed to stay present, and not put up any walls, and tell him how I really feel about things - my fear of being too needy, my fear of him rejecting me, etc. He made it very clear that he cares about me, that he likes me, and that that's not going to suddenly change. He made it very clear that he was happy I was back, and that I'm not "too needy". He pointed out that I did SO well on my vacation, and that that shows I *can* be independent....so I don't have to be afraid of letting myself need him. I won't get lost in it. And we talked about my fear that underneath my anxiety, there might be depression....he had some other ideas about what might be underneath the anxiety....my authentic self, and who she might be....and it made me see that he sees really wonderful things in me that I don't see in myself - things that have never even occurred to me.

I really opened myself up and was super vulnerable, and he did everything right in return. I felt heard and safe and nurtured.

AND, for anyone who read my other thread about wanting to play cards in T....I told him that I really, REALLY want to sit on the floor with him and play cards....so we're going to play Uno on Friday

Thanks for listening and helping me in this thread. I'm so grateful to have this board!!

[foreverlost]

So happy for you, earthmama! It is something you can hold on to when things get rough.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I felt heard and safe and nurtured

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is so awesome earthmama!! Congrats. It is amazing and wonderful when we can connect with T in that way, isn't it?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
so we're going to play Uno on Friday

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That sounds like so much fun.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((((((((Earthmama!!!))))))))))))))))))))

Yay!!! What a great session!!!! That is teriffic!!!!!
Kiya

[Mouse_]

Earthmama, Thats great!