[sunrise]

I saw T for the first time in 2 weeks yesterday and dumped a mountain of anxiety in his office. Things are heating up for another legal meeting tomorrow and there's been some recent "not good" interactions between me and my H. This makes me dread tomorrow. I asked T what I should do at the meeting when H says c**p and it makes me feel like c**p. It is so hard for me to have contentious stuff going on with strangers present--the lawyers, the coach, etc. How do I handle it? I can't walk out the door. Do I show emotion? (not sure how much I can control it... -- embarrassing!) Do I become aggressive? Really, I just can't handle what is going on inside me when this happens. Too many strong emotions--feeling taken advantage of, stomped on, treated like I'm stupid, etc. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And there are these "onlookers" there, watching me.

T switched roles when I said this and said he was going to give me some coaching on what to do at the meeting. (T is both my therapist and my coach.) He kind of leaned forward toward me, rested his elbows on his thighs, and began speaking so earnestly. I remember the tone of his voice, he was basically telling me what to do and how to handle myself, and I really liked it. I have a hard time remembering what all he said. I do remember some of it, but mostly I just liked his earnest and confident tone and the image of him leaning forward. Sometimes I wonder if T's know that their words are lost as the client focuses on something like their tone of voice? (Or is it just me?) I didn't mean to do it, but the combination of his earnestness, tone, and leaning forward were very powerful so that's what I got from that interaction.

One thing I do remember T saying was that I need to "stay present" at the meeting. S-T-A-Y P-R-E-S-E-N-T. He really stressed that. In retrospect, I wonder, what does that even mean? Does it mean to really focus and pay attention to what is going on? I do tend to dissociate sometimes--maybe he's referring to that? T catches me at it sometimes and will say "where did you go?" if it happens in session, and I'm kind of embarrassed by it, as I didn't realize it happens so much. When things get too painful with H, I do sometimes "go elsewhere" in my mind. It's just a defense mechanism. The bad thing is when I do that and then "come back" I have missed a lot of the conversation. Then I have to sit there and listen and fake understanding what is going on until I can manage to pick up on the conversation. Or not. This is not good to do during discussion of a divorce settlement. It's very involuntary and I have no idea how not to do it or how to even know I'm about to do it.

Yesterday I also saw my PNP and she recommended some Xanax for my situational anxiety. She suggested I could take some X before this meeting. Is that a good idea? Won't taking a benzo make me kind of zone out and make it harder to "stay present"?

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

I love that about your T leaning forward. There have been a couple of times when T has been kind of stern and directive with me (in a nice way) and I loved it, because I felt like he was taking care of me and looking out for my best interest.

About the xanax - for me (I only take 1/2 of one) it doesn't really zone me out - it just makes the anxiety go away. It's so strange - I can be in a situation that I KNOW would normally cause me anxiety (like being alone in the house at night) and I pretty much feel like "ho hum". I know I "should" feel anxious, but I just don't.

I don't know if I would take it for the first time before a big meeting though, since you don't know how you're going to react to it. That is totally just my opinion, and it's coming from someone who knows nothing about psych meds, so you can take it or leave it.

I'm so glad that in the middle of all of this, you have your T to lean on. (((((((((((( sunrise ))))))))))))))

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,
I am glad your T seem to help you today. Maybe by saying stay present he is also suggesting that you try not to allow yourself to be pushed back in time or pulled off track by your husband's comments. I can think of times when a comment is made and it causes me to drift off on a tangent (...did I say that....Am I really a cold hearted *****....did I really do that..? ) Meanwhile, as my mind is floating off topic, present conversation is still progressing and I totally miss what is going on. Maybe your T was trying to get you to stay alert to what is being discussed and simply dismiss the digs and distractor comments your husband commonly throws out.

Maybe tomorrow before your meeting do some positive mental imagery or self talk into a mirror. Tell yourself how great you are going to do, how well you are going to stand your ground on key issues,... etc. Is there any time before the meeting when you can go for a walk or at least sit outside somewhere and soak up some positive vibes. Catch the sunrise.

Good luck tomorrow. You are going to surprise yourself and your husband by being confident and clear about what you want and deserve in this meeting.

[kessa19]

Regarding the xanax...Part of my job requires me to testify in court and I get EXTREMELY anxious. I have taken one pill and it helped take the edge off and I still felt clear headed, however, my coworker told me one xanax puts her to sleep so I agree with Earthmama about maybe waiting until you know what your reaction may be.
I wish you all the best tomorrow. And it sure looks like a lot of people rooting for you!

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
focuses on something like their tone of voice? (Or is it just me?)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Nah, I do this all the time! I love T's voice. It soothes me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"stay present"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sunny, I think it means to try and stay with each moment separating current emotional response from past trauma -- in addition to not dissociating, if possible!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Won't taking a benzo make me kind of zone out and make it harder to "stay present"?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Actually, I think it will make it easier because it will take the edge off the old feelings that come up during the interactions with T.

Good luck Sunny.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
focuses on something like their tone of voice? (Or is it just me?)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Nah, I do this all the time! I love T's voice. It soothes me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"stay present"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sunny, I think it means to try and stay with each moment separating current emotional response from past trauma -- in addition to not dissociating, if possible!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Won't taking a benzo make me kind of zone out and make it harder to "stay present"?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Actually, I think it will make it easier because it will take the edge off the old feelings that come up during the interactions with T.

Good luck Sunny.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
focuses on something like their tone of voice? (Or is it just me?)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Nah, I do this all the time! I love T's voice. It soothes me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"stay present"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sunny, I think it means to try and stay with each moment separating current emotional response from past trauma -- in addition to not dissociating, if possible!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Won't taking a benzo make me kind of zone out and make it harder to "stay present"?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Actually, I think it will make it easier because it will take the edge off the old feelings that come up during the interactions with T.

Good luck Sunny.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
focuses on something like their tone of voice? (Or is it just me?)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Nah, I do this all the time! I love T's voice. It soothes me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"stay present"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sunny, I think it means to try and stay with each moment separating current emotional response from past trauma -- in addition to not dissociating, if possible!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Won't taking a benzo make me kind of zone out and make it harder to "stay present"?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Actually, I think it will make it easier because it will take the edge off the old feelings that come up during the interactions with T.

Good luck Sunny.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
focuses on something like their tone of voice? (Or is it just me?)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Nah, I do this all the time! I love T's voice. It soothes me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"stay present"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sunny, I think it means to try and stay with each moment separating current emotional response from past trauma -- in addition to not dissociating, if possible!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Won't taking a benzo make me kind of zone out and make it harder to "stay present"?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Actually, I think it will make it easier because it will take the edge off the old feelings that come up during the interactions with T.

Good luck Sunny.

[sunrise]

Thank you, everyone. Very helpful--your aid in interpreting "stay present." (And thanks to MissC for bumping the thread's post count up. )

The meeting is over and the outcome was GREAT!

I didn't take Xanax even though I was very anxious as I was afraid it would make me more passive and diminish my power (not sure if that is true, but it worried me). I felt like I wanted to be as powerful as possible at this meeting.

I did not have trouble staying present, at least I don't think I did. And I communicated a lot of stuff to H successfully, although I was clearly upset at times. But I think I communicated that I am not a pushover and that the way we approach these problems makes a big difference in our progress.

T brought a huge armload of flowers from his garden and two vases for us. He used them as an icebreaker activity to get things going and start us off on the right foot. We each got to take some of his lovely flowers home. So right now I have flowers from T sitting on my kitchen table. I imagine him getting up early this morning, prowling his yard, and snipping flowers here and there, with us in mind.



Anyway, the outcome today was great. We were at an impasse on one particular topic that was hanging us up, and today we finally came to agreement on it. Hallelujah!! This should make the rest go more smoothly.

It's so helpful to be able to post here and get support and advice.

[Fuzzybear]

WOW, Sunrise. I'm really happy for you!

And what a cool gift, to have T's flowers on your table

Good for you, for standing up for yourself and allowing yourself to feel powerful!!!!!!!!

[(JD)]

[lauren_helene]

Aw that is great sunny!! Make sure you dry the flowers out and preserve them! Oh wait, that is obsessive me that would do that!

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,
So glad to hear your meeting went well.

[Edahn]

Stay present: very confusing, but very simple, too. It means listen to what's going on. Participate in your experience as if you were an observer, watching it unfold, rather than doing what people normally do which is trying to steer your experience into certain moods. In the case of a meeting, that mood would probably be away from anxiety and into something a bit calmer. To be present, just watch all that ***** unfold on its own without your interference.