[MissCharlotte]

Another difficult session yesterday. Sometimes during session T repeats back to me some of the painful things I have told him from my childhood. I think this is part of the integration work. It's always in relation to something that is happening now in my life, but he gives it back to me over and over. Yesterday he gave back some feelings related to abuse and the way he said it made me feel invisible. The words he chose diminished the pain I felt, but I didn't notice it right away. What I was actually feeling was my mother's failure to react or rescue me from my father's drunken rages, or even acknowledge them afterward.

As I was leaving I felt really lousy and T asked what was going on. I said that I didn't feel so well, but that I would be okay. I felt about to cry/explode. I drove around the corner and had to pull into the parking lot of a supermarket where I began to cry. I realized that something T said triggered the terrifying feeling of invisibility that I experienced with my mother. In my transference reaction I was feeling invisible. Yet, the adult me felt invisible as well--he should have realized how deeply hurt I was when I told him this originally. If you are giving something back, return it in it's original condition!

So feeling disappointed yet again, I left him a message that we needed to talk. But it is so hard to state what I need in case he can't give me that. Last night I didn't hear from him and decided I hated him. Today, he called me and I could not stop crying on the phone. I had to hang up and pull myself together because I was at work. Finally I left work early and T called me back while I was in the car. He does this thing where he asks me questions and gently pulls me back to present. I needed to hear his voice to pull myself together.

I realize now that he took my current disappointment and validated my feelings. Yet, the child within still feels invisible. Maybe I will let her color.

[Kiya]

=( How is the child part (and yourself) doing now??

hugs to both!

[DePressMe]

...MissCharlotte...therapy is a lot of hard work. I am glad you are working through this....yes, give your little one a break and color...

[Fuzzybear]

Take care of both your adult self and your little girl. Definitely let her color. Give her time to be her little girl self.

[chaotic13]

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Sometimes during session T repeats back to me some of the painful things I have told him from my childhood.

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I guess this is a standard therapy technique. My T seems to do this too.

I think it is good that you are able to go back through your session and figure out what it was that upset or triggered you. I'm not always able to figure it out. I also think is it cool that you are aware enough to separate your adult feelings from your child feelings. Did you and your T work specifically on this skill? I know you've posted several times about your T talking specifically to your little girl. Is this how you got to the point where you an separate what feelings go with each ego state?

Now that you kind of understand what he was doing, do you feel better about the overall session (both the adult and the child you)?

(((Miss C)))

(((((((((((((((((( Miss C ))))))))))))))))))))

My T does that as well - bringing up a specific trauma over and over again. I actually got really angry at him last session about it. It's hard to hear out of the blue like that - and especially when you feel, like you did, like it isn't being handled right.

I really hope you are feeling better. Did you get to color?

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks all.

I didn't get to color

I was just too exhausted, so I crashed and here I am at 3 a.m. wide awake! LOL.

I have so much going on with school endiing for the year and all. Tomorrow I am going to take out my pastels and color my heart out.

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'm not always able to figure it out. I also think it is cool that you are aware enough to separate your adult feelings from your child feelings. Did you and your T work specifically on this skill?

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Chaotic, I cannot always figure it out either but just last week I said to T that I knew it was important to give her a voice. I have only begun to access the growing awareness needed to separate those feelings. And, no it was't a practicing of a skill--rather I think it is the result of the continued work and raising awareness of what we are doing in therapy.

The truth is, when I was in that parking lot, I heard her crying and screaming inside of me.

Peace friends.