I went through a really connected period with T. I mean REALLY connected and safe... I was even able to hold multiple feelings for him at the same time. I was able to get angry at him for something, but still feel safe and secure at the same time. He was constant. I could say, "I'm pissed at you, but I still love you. I know you'll be there. I know that the feelings don't have to be one or the other."

For the first time, I was able to say that the benefit of therapy definitely outweighs the pain of it. I felt so confident, accomplished, and pleased at this transition. It seemed as though my relationship with him had reached a new level and I had matured in my way of relating.

Then it all fell apart.

One day-- BAM. I hated him again. There were too many things he wasn't hearing. There were too many things he wasn't conveying to me. Then he informed me of an upcoming change in schedule, which will be very unaccommodating to my schedule, once I start doctoral school.

I was so disappointed in myself. I really thought I crossed a major hurdle. I spent a great deal of time looking for that part of me that could still feel safe and secure while despising him. I searched for the feeling of constancy-- the feeling that he is "in this" with me, no matter where he is. Couldn't find it.

I told him all of this. I told him how childish and ashamed I feel. I told him how sometimes I have to laugh at my own therapy because it is like a joke to me-- I am so "sure" that I crossed a hurdle... yes, that's it.. this time it's real... and then there I am, the next day, back to acting like a four-year old.

T said not to invalidate the fact that it DID exist. No, it did not last like I thought it would, but it happened. It was real. I did feel that constancy. I did hang on to him for awhile. I was able to feel mulitple feelings for him at the same time.

I understand what he is saying, but seriously... it has been three years. I thought that by now I would stop the black and white swinging. I went back to the idea that the benefit of therapy DOES NOT outweigh the pain. I am very confused right now. Will it always be like this?

T was so gentle on the phone yesterday. I started to cry a bit and he said, "Okay... it's okay." Of course it wasn't okay, but who cares? It was okay at that moment, to hear his voice, and for him to say that. I felt taken care of. I see him tomorrow. I don't know what the hell I feel.

I have always been afraid of rollercoasters. Ever since I was a child. I have only been on a roller coaster once, and it wasn't even a major one-- it didn't go upside down or anything. I hated them before that, and I hated them even more after. I feel like my fear of rollercoasters can be translated to my relationship with T. Much deeper than the ride itself. So scary. Too many dips and curves and loops. What if I get thrown out of the car?

[MissCharlotte]

You know PInk, if there is anything I have learned in my meagre life it is that nothing stays the same, and I mean NOTHING. As we grow and change our experiences grow and change. It's why marriages require so much work, if you want them to last over the years.

Here I was living a happy middle class life and BAM, life inruded. My parents both died suddenly and young, and two of my children got very sick. All of these events conspired to trigger the reliving of my childhood trauma. I am only now getting my feet back on the earth occasionally.

I guess why I am telling you this is because right now you have a lot going on in your life. You graduated, you are beginning your professional life, and you are starting doctoral school in September. Those are HUGE events. And the fact that your are coping with all of these things would mean there is bound to be some fallout in your major interpersonal relationships. So, I guess that would mean with T.

So, for now, maybe benefits of therapy don't outweigh the pain. Maybe that's where the pain is held at this time. As you said, the pain didn't simply disappear because of your accomplishments. Your experience is real and the pain is still there. And because on some level (probably unconscious right now) you do feel safe with T, so it is there that the pain resides, for you to visit and negotiate.

Give yourself a break if you can. Pull out all those things that you used for your inner child, your therapy bear, crayons, pencils and whatever else you have used. Take care of her. Maybe she feels neglected because the adult you has been stealing the show!

Be good to yourself and if you can, let T be good to her.

PS I write this as I am totally stoned on the medications they gave me to go home with after my surgery today. la de da I wax proilfic...........................

[Flowerb]

What would you say to your own patient who said "I should...three years, after all..." I bet you'd say, "it takes as long as it takes. How long did it take for you to get here?"

Earned attachments have to be reearned over and over again. Therapist-constancy is very hard and it can be shaken by so many things, in and out of our awareness. Even dates can trigger a mood-swing with regards to the relationship -we aren't even conscious that it is an anniversary of some kind but our body knows.

What impresses me is that you have awareness of what was found and then lost again. You grieve for it, so it obviously meant a great deal. That tells me you will work hard to rediscover it.

And I think we must not forget that Therapy is about reworking, over and over again - those damaged muscles, those damaged feelings. Keep at it. You are doing great.

[Kiya]

"Much deeper than the ride itself. So scary. Too many dips and curves and loops. What if I get thrown out of the car? "

Maybe t is the parachute?

[kim_johnson]

wow. sounds like things felt pretty good there for a time :-)

i hate it how life can be so up and down :-( things can be so good sometimes... sometimes i think that i really have moved on and i'm alright now. and then something happens (hard to know what) and feels like i've been kicked in the guts again and i think that i really haven't moved on and i never will.

hang in there. i think... i think the idea is that the hard times will become less frequent and more managable when they are around (so they don't last as long). eventually... gradually... hang in there.