I have no idea what to name this post. T and I have been having sessions once a week, and the ruptures appear to have been silenced and are healing for the moment.

For some reason, I just don't feel settled. I feel constantly on edge. I continue to have that "pulling" feeling to see T MORE than once a week and have to fight to get to the next session. Of course, when the session arrives, I disappears as fast as it comes. Also, I am having so much difficulty thinking that he doesn't resent me after sessions, even when sessions have gone well. I'm starting to feel hopeless, like this is never going to end. I hate it when my anger is flared here and there. I have no energy at the moment. So, while I'm complaining I'm just going to go for it. WHY ME? Why do I have to have this attachment ISSUE that makes me want to leech onto others, which in turn makes them want to run away? Why do I have to have this ego dystonic disorder? I intellectually observe everything I do wrong. How %#@&#! up is that? It's just plain and simple torture and I AM SICK TO DEATH OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Does my T realize that yes, I am making progress, but that I am afraid as hell that this is my fate? Yes, I've told him this a few times. However, he is at home now with his family, and they are safe and sound. I know, I know I can't depend on him, but it hurts so much.

What if I (or any of us) could find a T (in addition to the one I have, of course) that had an attachment disorder that closely was equivalent to mine? We could use each other as a secure base, call as needed, and work our way to exploring the environment. For the nay sayers, I know it wouldn't work. Please allow me to avoid reality for just a little bit. Reality is not exactly my best friend at the moment as he is securely attached.

Thanks for listening to my incessant rant

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( Soliaree )))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Soliaree )))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((( Soliaree ))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. It must be really hard to see T only once a week when you feel like you need him twice. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, but I really don't. I just get how much that would hurt. So I'll send you some of these -

Hang in there.

[Kiya]

Soliaree - totally get it. I feel like i need so much more from t and my dr's than i will ever be allowed. This goes beyond attachment - it is like an infant's need of a mother - 24/7 if i am to actually succeed (i need it, and hate it, too).

things seem so very hopeless. I don't want to continue living like this! I don't want to be a burden to my dr's! I don't want to live with mom another year!! But i don't know how to fix it. ...well, not in a manner that is acceptable. I want to give up and call it done. Or really get some severe help- even though i know i would fight it to pretend i am normal that much longer, to deny what i need and fake ok-ness.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
((((((((((soli))))))))))

[Mouse_]

Soliaree, Yeah I know that "place" too.

It's not enough to be hopeless, unsettled, and angry. My H and I are having difficulties. He is angry and feels like he has to hold up everything when I get SO stressed that I sleep for three days to bring my anxious nervous system back down to "normal". He has told me that he knows how hard I have it (and how hard he has it) and that he will do extra as long as I continue to work. Previously, working has made a massive toll on me - it has really overstressed me out, made my moods impossible, and more.

It's a situation in which I can't win. I can't promise that I'll never be insane again. It's like a cycle. I get massively stressed, make horrible decisions, have NO energy, and when I start getting better, I have to clean up the mess, which in turn sends me back through the cycle.

I'll talk to T about this next week. I just want this all to end. I want the stress to lift so I can act normally and feel a little peace. I keep getting bombarded from each side. It makes me feel so hopeless. I feel so bad for my family, so guilty. Is it not enough that I am tortured by my chronic internal battle? I hate it when troops are called from the external world. I'm fighting a losing battle.

[Kiya]

" Is it not enough that I am tortured by my chronic internal battle? I hate it when troops are called from the external world. I'm fighting a losing battle. "

((((((((((soliaree))))))))))))))

my poor soli

we can share the dwindling rations in our little life raft called therapy while we bob around on someone else's ocean. i feel pretty frustrated as well.

if it helps even a bit, please know that your strength and courage are beautiful to see... even in the worst of times you keep trying to find a way to get out of this.

i know the stuff you have been reading, so i'll give you a quote from Chogyam Trungpa:
"The practice of meditation does not involve... searching for the possibilities of reforming oneself and becoming a better person. [It] is a way of continuing one's confusion, chaos, aggression, and passion - but working with it, seeing it from the enlightened point of view. There is a Sanskrit term for basic meditation practice,* shamatha, which means "development of peace."

i know how inteligent and inquisative you are soli... keep going. Don't doubt your strength, you need not worry about that.

*btw, just a side note for others, meditation comes in different "flavours" and the sort to which i refer here is of the mindfulness variety, specifically the sort taught in Buddhist practice. It isn't the same as deep relaxation, the sorts taught in yoga or the sorts that go with things such as imagery. Those other types have nothing wrong with them, any meditation is good, but there is a real difference in the objectives and the results.

[lauren_helene]

I understand Solairee, my T won't see me twice a week. He offered initially, insurance complained and we went back right away to once per week.

Had many difficult discussions about that one and my rejection/abandonment button.

When I do bring this up he says I can come again just call. Yeah, I've done that before and he says "oh I feel like I just saw you"...

I hate inconsistency...I don't remember how did you end up going down from twice a week?

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
lauren_helene said:
I understand Solairee, my T won't see me twice a week. He offered initially, insurance complained and we went back right away to once per week.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">If that is his reason, could you pay one session per week out of pocket and one session submit to insurance?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Yeah, I've done that before and he says "oh I feel like I just saw you"...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I would find that very hurtful. Ouch! My T has tried to get me to notice when something hurts me and tells me to say "ouch" inside, to acknowledge that I have been hurt. I don't know how to do this yet (been working on it 20 months) but if my T said what yours said, I would say "ouch."

Soliaree, I hope that in the future you will find peace with once a week. Have you shared with your T how hopeless this makes you feel? I don't know if it will help at all to know this, but I used to really want to go twice a week to therapy (but didn't) and now I am content with one. So those feelings passed. Now it is hard for me when I skip a week, though. Whatever we are used to is hard to say good-bye to.

Thanks everyone for your replies and kind words. Lauren, I went to my Pdoc and he recommended that I go to once a week instead of twice because I was experiencing negative transference with T. The next session with T, T asked about it. I told him I wanted to wait until the summer. He said okay. The closer summer came, the more I knew I didn't want to do this. So, I told T I didn't want to go to once a week and he said, "Well when do you plan to?" Can you tell that he is uncomfortable with people who have attachment issues? This scares the hell out of me. Anyway, the session after he came back from vacation, I told him I would go to once a week. I didn't want him to make me do it, so I did it. Honestly, I'm really frustrated about this but there's nothing I can do. I've told him. He says nothing. He told me that he would not make me go to once every other week, that it would be my decision. I just don't know what to think. Sometimes I feel like he resents me for wanting to see him more. Those could be my feelings, but they are still excruciating. I see him tomorrow.