Chasing my tail?

Since last week's sessions my emotions have run the gamut from feeling that T is rejecting me to knowing in my heart that is not a possibility. I feel like I a dog chasing her tail because no matter how hard I work to try and sort this out, I can't resolve it. I have been emotionally taxed. I am tired. I haven't slept well for four nights now. I am stuck in an obsessive-compulsive thinking cycle and my mind is working overtime.

And yeah, although I can write these things out, when it comes time for therapy I can't articulate them well at all and some kind of garbage comes out of my mouth.

I have been thinking about how I may be repeating a long ago pattern from my childhood and how alone I always was. I became used to problem solving on my own. So, now that I have this wonderfully compassionate person to share my pain with, I have to work hard at not seeing him as an intruder in my life but a helper. The interactions in-session feel so intense because I never developed an intimate relationship with anyone--at least not to that degree. So I think my mind is protecting me somehow by creating this exit strategy. Sometimes no matter what he says I interpret it with a negative view. But why? I don't want to stop. I just feel so sad right now, as if this means that my therapy with T has ended because I am not capable of holding onto the relationship now and I don't know how to continue and he probably is tossing my *** out.

Which came first--the chicken or the egg?

I see him later today. Wish me luck.

(((((((((((((((( MissCharlotte )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Good luck at your appointment later today. Is there anyway that you can print this post out to show to your T? Sometimes something written out is easier to share for me.

Miss Charlotte, I feel exactly the same as you do ! Only thing is you are able to put it into words! You just did and done a great job saying it! I'd print this out and bring it with you. Best Luck.

Hugs

I quite often chase my tail before going to therapy. Hope it goes well for you.

((((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))))))))

MissC,
I'm in the same obessive-compulsive cycle. In my case, my nervous system is in overdrive and has not calmed down in awhile. This "hypervigilance" causes me to focus on the negative (even if I try otherwise) because my body thinks there is a threat. It makes sense to me that when the body feels that there is a threat, that the negative cues are the important focus as they are the ones you need to protect yourself. The positive or neutral signals seem to be thrown to the wayside so all of your focus is on detecting potential harm. I think this must be subconscious as I have immense difficulty changing my "negative" view even when I try. So, Miss, I guess what I'm trying to say is that what you are going through is definitely a result of your past and not a choice you are making in the present. Being aware of this is the first step, but I guess the next step includes your T being consistent over time so you can replace your old schema with new experience, and you (and me, too) taking what your T says and even though you "feel" that the negative is true, at this point, just construct some possible positive/supportive meanings (as you showed in your last post). I say this because I've heard if you start thinking it even if you don't feel it, then your emotions will follow. I'm giving you this advice because this is what I'm trying to do at the moment, so I'm not sure it will work. Just know that I'm also extremely frustrated at this point. Sometimes I feel things will get better, sometimes I doubt it. I've had these rollercoaster feelings even though we were attuned last session. Even though my T has promised me that I will stay at once a week until I choose otherwise, I can't shake the feeling that my anger fragment and neediness fragment are going to chase him away. As always, I wish you the best of luck! Let us know how it goes.

In the meantime, here is a horrible childhood joke memory that was triggered by your title, LOL.

Why does a dog chase his tail? To make ends "meat".
Ha ha. I told you it was horrible. Maybe you should put the trigger sign on your post, hee hee. Love you!

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Sometimes no matter what he says I interpret it with a negative view.

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Could this be a pattern of making sure you are mentally prepared for the worst. I think sometime I find myself assuming a negative perspective because I don't want to risk feeling let down, stupid, or unprepared if/when the worst case scenario turns out to be reality.

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MissCharlotte said:

I have been thinking about how I may be repeating a long ago pattern from my childhood and how alone I always was. I became used to problem solving on my own. So, now that I have this wonderfully compassionate person to share my pain with, I have to work hard at not seeing him as an intruder in my life but a helper. The interactions in-session feel so intense because I never developed an intimate relationship with anyone--at least not to that degree. So I think my mind is protecting me somehow by creating this exit strategy.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">This is a really good inisght. Particularly if your relationships in your childhood did not have appropriate boundaries, I think it would be difficult to let someone in this close without seeing him as an "intruder."
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Sometimes no matter what he says I interpret it with a negative view. But why?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> One reason could be-- a history of invalidation. If we are constantly invalidated, then it makes sense that we would interpret negativity from what our therapists say. It's almost like-- how could this possible be real? Can he really mean that? I am reminded of my own sessions, in which I can sometimes handle some pretty painful stuff and stay grounded-- but as soon as he pulls out the "nice" stuff-- the compliments on my progress, the disclosure that he is connected to me-- off I go.
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I don't want to stop. I just feel so sad right now, as if this means that my therapy with T has ended because I am not capable of holding onto the relationship now and I don't know how to continue and he probably is tossing my *** out.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think you are holding onto the relationship. I have been thinking about that a lot lately, how we can feel disconnected, but still hold onto the relationship. I feel like since you are doing the work outside of session to process your relationship, then you must be holding on in some small way. There is no way he is tossing your *** out. Besides, if he did, I would toss his *** out a 7th story window. He's not tossing you out. He is as committed to this as you are.

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Which came first--the chicken or the egg?

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The goat. :____

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I see him later today. Wish me luck.

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GOOD LUCK. Work that assprint. Oh wait, that's on Thursdays, right? Then create your own assprint, so deep, that no one will ever be able to sit in the chair again without completely sinking-- and T will be reminded of you every time he looks at the chair. In order to do this, you may have to wear metal (or concrete) underwear-- you know, something really heavy to make that print.

XOXOXOXO

"which came first - the chicken or the egg"
-i would have said 'the dinosaur .... which evolved." which means we can all evolve too into ppl who can articulate what we need from t.
((((((((Miss!))))))))
good luck!!!

(((Kiya, Pink, Missboots, Gimmeice, Peg, Chaotic, Soli)))
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT!!

Here's what I did. Naturally got all worked up prior to appt. time and even looked at his face as I walked in and imagined he was getting ready to drop the bomb.

I had prepared a letter to read to him and I wanted to read a new poem I wrote.
So, instead of reading the letter I decided to engage with him as best I could and tell him how difficult last week was for me. We had an amazing talk. I told him about how I was worried about the statement he made about people staying in bad marriages all the time and he said he stands behind that statement. LOL I also told him how it bothered me for four days and I had trouble sleeping.

But then I got serious and we talked more about how therapy was so difficult for me. He hates that it is so hard and painful for me. I tried hard to tell him exactly how I was feeling. I reminded him that he made the statement about bad marriages within the context of our discussion of our ruptures and that although I have a tendency to gravitate toward pain as a means of self soothing to discuss the ruptures all in one lump didn't do justice and that laying it all on my doorstep wasn't fair because there are two of us in the room and he's grouchy sometimes. He received this well and we both laughed.

He invited me to join a talk group he's putting together for this fall. This is different from the process group he mentioned prior and frankly I'm not sure I'm ready for talk group therapy. He said he knows it might be too painful for me just now because of how intense it is for me to connect, and said that he didn't want me to feel left out.
I'll have to think about it.

I changed gears and read him a poem about my therapy and our relationship that I worked on this weekend. He said he was keeping it in his file in case I get famous, so he will have the original.

OMG I love him!

What a difference a session makes........

=) AWESOME!!!!!!!

MissC,
I'm so glad you had a good session! My session also went well. My next session is not for another week and one day, I hope I am able to hold onto positive thoughts at least until Thursday, LOL. We shall see.

((((((((((((((((((((( Miss )))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm so glad you had such a great session. You do such hard work between sessions, you deserve it to be good when you get there!

Love,
Captain Connection

Miss C that sounds like a great session.

I am Glad it is working out. Totally, Awesome.

ahh.... therapy-marriage is tough ain't it? i am glad he was able to receive some flack about his bad moments too... it really is a dance with two people and not just one. i hate it when T has a bad day (mental note: add this to rules for therapists ).

what you said about taking negative things in what he says or does and protecting yourself inside... that really struck a chord with me. It really IS hard... but give yourself credit for working on this with an open mind. How can you know how to function perfectly in a trusting relationship if you've never really had one? You are akin to someone learning a second language... why raise the bar so high?

give yourself a big hug Miss.. you work so hard and have done so well