I admitted it. Ugh.

So, I admitted my erotic transference to T today. Why did I feel compelled to do that? Somehow, I thought it would be a lighthearted conversation (?????) but it SO was not. I could barely stay present, and he kept saying "please stay here. I want you to stay here". I think I was there for most of it.

Obviously, his reaction was just total acceptance. He's not scared of me, he's not disgusted, why wouldn't I feel that way?, etc., etc.

It was pretty intense. He said he was worried I would pull away now (me too) and that I would be stuck with a bunch of shame over the weekend (uh, yeah). I said I was worried that he would redraw the boundaries. He says he won't. Although I did ask "will things change now?" and he said "I don't think so". I don't THINK so?! That's not quite the level of reassurance I was looking for.

Once I left and could think more clearly, I called and left him a message that I'm left more with fear than with shame (right now). And that the ET feelings are like 10% of what I feel for him. We play and laugh a lot in therapy - I'm scared that will be taken away. I want to explain to him that all of the OTHER feelings are the same.

Honestly, just talking about it seems to have cut it WAY WAY down for right now. Don't know if that's because I'm kind of shut down, or if it's because now that the feelings are out of my head, out in the open, they are just less BIG.

Oh - at the end of the session, he asked how I want to end. I asked him if he was scared to come over (to the couch, our usual ending). He was like "of course not" and came and sat. I gave him one hand to hold and didn't look at him. He asked "can I have a glance?" - so I peeked at him. He didn't look scared.

I hope when he calls me later I feel a little more okay with all of this after we talk. I feel pretty certain this will be easier to talk about on the phone than face to face!

Ugh.

Another one bites the dust to erotic transference. Sigh. lol.

Of course I think you are very brave. But you already knew that.

When I had an ET talk with T awhile back, I too, was afraid he would be scared of me (still am afraid of that), and that's when he took my hands to show me he was not afraid.

I really like that you recognized that eroticism is only ONE PART of what you feel towards him-- and that you left a message so that you can tell him.

I think that is part of what I am trying to figure out. I find that our intimacy and connection exists on these levels:
intellectual
professional
emotional (encompassing a lot of different sub-connections)
creative
playful
anger
caring
love
(and I'm sure there is a lot more)
And then there is the sexual stuff. So I guess I'm trying to figure out how that fits in, where it comes from, how it impacts the other stuff, and how the other stuff impacts that.

(((((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))))
yes you are very brave!
This is one field i don't have to play in! *whew*
But I am taking good notes insace I ever do.
Kiya

Sorry this was sooo very difficult for you. You're braver than I. Please keep posting so I know how this ends up. I too am taking notes in case I'm ever in this situation (I hope not any way).
Hugs-Angel

((((((((((( pink ))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))
(((((((((((( angel ))))))))))))

Thanks.

The short version of how today turned out is that we talked on the phone for a while this afternoon, and I am feeling WAY better.

I sent him an e-mail and told him that I usually bring "young me" to session - she gets nurtured, she gets the marble, it's okay for her to have needs and have them met. It felt like today "grown up me" showed up, and she's the one with the erotic feelings. I told him I'm just not ready to go there yet - I am afraid that "young me" will lose all of the caring and nurturing she gets there. We talked about the e-mail on the phone. He totally got what I was saying, and said whoever shows up for session is absolutely fine. Young me will still be nurtured and cared for. I told him I am NOT going to be bringing "grown up me" back anytime soon. Tried it out, didn't like it. At all. He said that was fine. He reassured me that nothing between us has changed. I could feel our normal connection on the phone, and it felt really good.

He was worried I would "spiral down" this weekend thinking about this, so he called back and left me a voice mail to listen to if I need reassurance over the weekend.

I feel better. I feel like it's moved our connection to an even deeper level, and like everything is going to be okay.

Still feels a little awkward to me but I'll take your word for it. Hugs-Angel

((EM)) I think it is cool that you are feeling confident enough to raise this issue in your therapy.