[little*rhino]

i am seriously afraid to go to T today. Last week he was so gentle and so good with me... it really touched me... but when i saw him Tuesday i was really out of it. A series of bad events happened (again.. how much can one person take?) and i had to miss a couple med doses. i was really unfocused, scared, spacey and not myself. i was blank.. i didn't know what to talk about.. i was drifting and he let me drift. i didn't and don't understand. Why would he do that? i was obviously floundering... and i kept saying i felt pressured and frustrated, like i needed to talk about something and couldn't.. like i couldn't connect and articulate. i was distressed about this. Why didn't he step in and help direct or guide me? Isn't that what he is for?

i feel like i wasted $140 that i cannot afford to waste. i don't feel mad at him about that part.. i feel like I wasted the session. i'm conflicted, on one hand i don't understand why he let me sort of drown.. and on the other i feel responsible too.

so today i am afraid... afraid of wasting money, wasting his time. i am afraid of going blank and being disconnected. And.. to be honest, i feel afraid of him. i'm not sure about that last part.. why i mean. i just am.

In order to step back, regain my footing and stand on my own, in the face of all the life events recently, i have had to really pull in and erect walls - strong ones. i feel the need to push hard against everyone and everything. How can i maintain attachment and work with him if i feel afraid of him and like he has to be pushed away?

i don't know what to do.

any ideas appreciated. i need feedback.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Today's affirmations:

Every day, think as you wake up,
today I am fortunate to be alive,
I have a precious human life,
I am not going to waste it.
I am going to use all my energies to develop myself,
to expand my heart out to others;
to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.
I am going to have kind thoughts towards others,
I am not going to get angry or think badly about others.
I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.

- His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[SpottedOwl]

(((Candika)))

I've had many sessions where I felt like I wasted them -- I let myself down and I let T down. Then I'll start to wonder if my sessions are really helping me, and maybe I should just cut down.

*Every time* I go to the next session and I end up feeling different when I walk out. Granted, it can sometimes be uncomfortable as I tell T how disappointed I was in the last session, but it is worth the short period of discomfort. Often times I'll end up with a mini-breakthrough as a result.

I'd strongly encourage you to go to the session and tell T you were afraid to go. Explain to him why, and take it from there.

Many

Oh, yeah. I am so there- the walls, everything.

Of course, the thing to do it to fight the fear, go, and tell T how you are feeling. I'm sure it's one of those "the only way out is through" situations. As hard as that is.

I know you've been having a rough time. Go, let T in, let yourself be cared for a bit.

And let us know how it goes.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

I've had more than my share of "wasted sessions" in my opinion, but T feels no session is wasted. Good or bad session some thing is exchanged and the relationship continues. This is how relationships are, the ups and the downs.
Good luck-Angel

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Candika ))))))))))))))

[itspeaks]

Maybe he was trying to see if you could help yourself out of the situation? They are not here to help us, but to help us help ourselves. When you go to therapy today, tell your T how you felt about the last session so you can talk about what happened.

[Kiya]

"In order to step back, regain my footing and stand on my own, in the face of all the life events recently, i have had to really pull in and erect walls - strong ones. i feel the need to push hard against everyone and everything. How can i maintain attachment and work with him if i feel afraid of him and like he has to be pushed away? "

right there with you - but in regards to MD on monday.
maybe we are all going through this s*** together...? Does that help to think it is a humanity phase and not just you? no probably not - because it will be just you and T. TOday. I hope it goes ok.

[little*rhino]

i went. i told him almost immediately. We talked about what i felt and why i thought that was.. what i felt he could have done differently. At first he said he didn't know he could have done anything differently, but then he corrected himself and said that there was, but he chose not to bc he felt it really wasn't the time. He said he felt i was just not able to handle more than i did... and we talked about how pressured i had felt.

but then the most amazing session i think i have had happened. Omg Owl.. so right.. i felt so different.

i feel HEARD, i feel UNDERSTOOD... probably the first time in my life - ever, at least to this degree.

we started talking about anger.. and that guarded stuff i mention above.. and it opened up some of the deepest discussion we have had.. the concepts were dead on and i felt so comfortable with him, very deeply connected.

at some point he said (paraphrased badly) that i was never told or taught how to understand, identify or deal with feelings... that none of them make sense to me. YES! He used some weird example... but basically he said that i might feel something and i know i do, i know it does not feel good, but other than that i can't seem to differentiate. YES! He said a lot of anger is secondary to some other emotions... and he said that i just can't decipher those. YES YES YES! That's dead on. What i feel most often feels like a giant mush ball of something.. i just don't know what. i can tell somethings, sometimes.. like being afraid, sort of... but when i try to look at it, it doesn't make sense.

his example? ok.. this is so weird.. he said to imagine that you didn't understand what the need to pee meant... that you'd feel really uncomfortable and not be able to even explain what was wrong.. you might not even understand enough to be able to say something was wrong, you'd just think that was the same for everyone. And yeah... he admitted it was a weird example that starts to fall apart, but i got the idea really quick.

this was an AH HA day... i love insight.

thank you for the support guys... you guys help me so much

((((((((((((((((((((((( candika )))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad you went and so glad you had such an insightful session. Thanks for sharing with us - I've been wondering how it went for you today!!

[skeksi]

I'm glad you were able to communicate your frustration and go on to have a really helpful session!

[SpottedOwl]

(((Candika)))

How wonderful! Thank you for sharing the results of the session with us.

I'm also thrilled that you went and faced the feelings -- great work!!!

[Sannah]

Awesome!